Some people are fans of the New England Patriots. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New England Patriots. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all of the team previews here.
Your team: the New England Patriots. Well well well. Looks like we’ve finally reached the top of SUCK MOUNTAIN.
We’re definitely ending on a low note here.
Your 2014 record: 12-4*. Super Bowl champions*. Saved at the last minute by future Raider Malcolm Butler.
Your coach: Bill Belichick, shown here eating your mom’s brain matter to bring about sexual arousal:
With one more Super Bowl win*, Belichick will have more Super Bowl victories* than any other head coach, and will likely cement his legacy* as the greatest coach in NFL history*. Also, he adores long walks and standing next to lighthouses.
In case you were wondering, there is a child being murdered off camera. That’s why he’s looking away and smiling. No one, not even Nick Saban, looks more awkward being happy than this man. I’m creeped out just looking at him attempt to smile. I really am. It sends bad vibes all through my house. I remain firmly convinced that, despite the victory* over Seattle, Belichick’s favorite moment from last season was spite-benching Jonas Gray, just to be a cock.
This Preppy Bill photo was taken from something called Improper Bostonian magazine, which actually exists. I hate its name with the gale force of a thousand seastorms. By the way, Belichick’s girlfriend is on Instagram. Here’s a photo of her boyfriend trying to pull her soul out of her body:
Jeez, get a room, you two. And then have that room bugged.
Your quarterback: Tom Brady. BALLS.
Brady (if that is his real name) is also seeking a fifth championship* to secure his legacy* as the greatest quarterback in NFL history*, even though he is probably just Chris Redman with a crib sheet. Now that his Ballghazi suspension has been overturned (appeal pending!), Brady has a chance to win his fourth Super Bowl MVP award* and his third League MVP award*. Pretty impressive*!
Also: If you are friends with Brady, he will gladly lend out his Super Bowl ring* to your nanny sidepiece. Too bad he destroyed that cell phone: we might have actually uncovered evidence of him being an interesting person. Let’s check his emails!
Nope. The search goes on. MAKE THAT BALL A FUCKING BALLOON!
By the way, I don’t buy any of you Boston fans sticking up for Brady after you were ready to run his ass out of town after the Chiefs loss last season. It’s never enough for Boston fans to win. They must win ON BRAND. Look at this:
According to Alan Siegel, a sportswriter who did a tour at a suburban Boston paper, Deflategate reconnected Boston fans with the “old,” lovable Brady. “He dated a supermodel,” Siegel said. “Then he started getting statistically great. It was almost like Pats fans held that against him, that he became properly rated instead of underrated. ‘He’s Hollywood, not in touch with us anymore.’ Now, the wagons are circling: He’s our guy. The world is out to get him. It’s perfect Boston paranoia.”
I mean, really: these people belong at the bottom of a river.
What’s new that sucks: Congratulations, Boston! You did it! No, I’m not talking about winning a fourth**** Super Bowl. I think we all know you won only because A) Pete Carroll is a moron, and B) You cheated like a bunch of sorry assholes, again, and are unfathomably lucky that the man tasked with holding you accountable for it also happened to be the single worst chief executive in the history of sports.
No, I’m congratulating you because, at long last, you and the NFL conspired to figure out a way for you sorry, miserable, LOATHESOME bags of shit to remain in the sports world spotlight in perpetuity. God forbid the rest of the universe spend ONE FUCKING SECOND not talking about your shitty teams. All those titles* are irrelevant now that you’ve secured the ultimate Boston nocturnal emission: a chance to wallow in your own self-victimization for time eternal. Great fucking job. You are now the worst, forever.
I thought that the St. Louis Cardinals might challenge you for suck supremacy, but no. That was naïve. You will never not be the ass end of sports fandom. If you think that Roger Goodell has somehow helped you become the good guys here, or sympathetic in any way, you are wrong. You have never been more wrong. In fact, you suck even harder if you believe I’m coming to your side. No one outside of Boston wants you to be absolved:
Secretly, I wish Goodell had gotten away with it and stripped your asshole team down to its raw bones. I wish he had nuked the joint. And I bet you do too, just so you could mewl about it over and over again.
On the field, this team lost Darrelle Revis, Brandon Browner, and Vince Wilfork to free agency. That kickass defense that finally ended poor little Tommy’s 10-year title drought? POOF! It’s gone. You’re back to giving up 25 points a game and hoping Brady can make a championship* offense out of discarded fantasy scrap like Brandon Gibson, Fred Davis, and Scott Chandler. I’m hoping for a Reche Caldwell cameo somewhere down the line.
Also, your old tight end was convicted of murder. I blame you fans. You are the reason murder happens.
What has always sucked: You fucking dirty cheating lying scumbag racist asswipe fuckface toilet people. Forget the stupid ballboy sneaking footballs into the shitter just so Brady could have a saggy tit to throw around against the Colts. Now we know for certain that this whole fiasco went down because the rest of the NFL wanted this team punished for cheating in a THOUSAND different ways: spying, hacking, scuffing, pine tarring, stealing play sheets, cribbing notes, shredded evidence, embezzling, suspiciously preventing fumbles, racketeering, cooked books, cut brakes, arson, pipe bombs, booby traps, bear traps, trap doors, illegal formations, secret fuck dungeons, satellite reconnaissance, visitor’s room glory hole cameras, x-ray playsheet analysis, Clomid planted in Robert Mathis’s glove box, MURDER. Tell me a way in which the Patriots have engaged in deliberate subterfuge, and I will believe it.
You can win as many titles* as you like. I will never believe they were won legitimately, because you all SUCK and don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. When confronted with raw evidence of your team’s shitbaggery, you alternate between pathetic gloating, outright paranoia, and Chris Brown-levels of comical defensiveness. Even if there was no air of scandal around this putrid franchise, you would STILL find a way to bitch about your titles anyway. WAHHHHH I WISH WE HAD WON THIS FACKIN’ SUPAH BOWL AT FENWAY!
The worst part of this whole Ballghazi debacle as how idiot Pats fans like Bill Simmons have put on their little detective beanies and truthered the whole affair to the point of comedy. Oh yeah, I’m sure Tommy from Quinzee’s careful parsing of all the legal documents will crack the case against Goodell wide open. IT WAS A FACKIN’ CONSPIRACY! COUNT THE RINGS! God, you discount Wahlbergs just make it impossible for anyone to ever like you. No one is coming with you on your little quest for vengeance.
For the rest of time, any time you win a championship*, that title* should be marked with an asterisk. And the asterisk won’t denote any kind of tactical skullduggery or triumph through sabotage. No no, what this asterisk will denote is the eternal TAINT upon this fanbase… a cloud of joylessness that spreads across the Earth any time you win anything. Maybe you’ll win another ring*. But you should always know this: The rest of us will never, in a million years, be happy for you. Ever. Shit, win a THOUSAND more rings*. It doesn’t matter, because you are Boston, and you are the deepest, sorriest trench of human filth. It’s not simply the balls you deflated. You have deflated HUMANITY with your sick, pathetic ways. Fuck you. Take a brick to the face.
Also: fuck Gronk. Gronk is over. It was fun back when he was a jolly idiot and didn’t KNOW he was a jolly idiot. But now he’s like Charlie Sheen after realizing that people thought tiger blood rants were amusing. Football was better off when Gronk had ebola in his forearm.
And fuck Josh McDaniels.
What might not suck: Julian Edelman is gonna catch 120 balls and have sex with a thousand women on Tinder this season and won’t remember any of it.
Hear it from Patriots fans!
A group of about 15 of my friends were watching the Super Bowl at a friend’s house. During the brawl in the fourth quarter this group of about 14 Sullys proceeded to yell every racial slur imaginable at the TV. Did I mention I’m half black?
About 90% of my fellow fans have been nailing themselves to a cross along with Brady this offseason.
I’m such a spoiled baby that I don’t watch the Super Bowl unless the Patriots are in it.
We refer to our owner as “Mr. Kraft”, coincidentally the same thing his current 19 year old girlfriend calls him.
Tom Brady deflated those goddamn footballs. There, I said it.
Because the fans have a persecution complex that would make fundamentalist Christians blush.
People react to my fandom like I’m actively trying to molest their children.
Going to Gillette Stadium is like visiting an attempt by Connecticut to colonize Massachusetts.
The worst thing about Brady is that it is impossible to defend him and the Pats without turning into a walking hot take. One minute it’s a rational discussion, the next I’m screaming that everyone videotaped each other, everyone fucks with the balls, and The Tuck Rule was called correctly (it was, everyone else can fuck right out of here).
I have multiple friends that have already told me they’re switching teams when Brady retires.
They are the “Homophobic Preacher Caught With A Male Masseuse” of the NFL: preaching to everyone else on the Patriot Way but cutting corners and cheating at every turn.
People who think Boston is the best city in the world have only been there and Akron.
Over the past year, many Patriot fans have been using the “They Hate Us Cuz They Ain’t Us” tagline. Not true. As a Patriots fan living in DC for the past 15 years, I can tell you that they HATE us for the entitled, obnoxious, snot-nosed bandwagon fans we have become.
If Belichick is such a genius, how could he let Eli Manning and his bag of magic beans snooker him out of two SB victories?
Here’s a list of CBs the Patriots drafted and developed into reliable contributors under current secondary coach Josh Boyer:
How do you get a Pats fan to shut up? Ask them their favorite player pre-2002 (Bledsoe excluded).
If they’re miraculously in contention for the Super Bowl again, we can expect some story about Brady/Belichick/Kraft feeding brownie batter to shelter puppies.
I wear a Patriots hoodie to the gym every day (grew up in New England, currently living in Nashville), and every time I do something non-douchy like hold the door for someone or say “Hi!”, people stare at me like I have three heads. This cannot be a coincidence.
Remember when the Patriots won the Super Bowl by the skin of their teeth? Remember how they won it? With a great secondary, that’s how. What happened to that secondary? Run the fuck out of town in typical Belichickian fashion.
The Patriots are the only team that can make winning a Super Bowl as joyless as they have.
Most Pats fans are bandwagoning wine and cheese eaters who turn Gillette into a funeral service when the Pats are losing.
Also, fuck Goodell in his ginger asshole.
New England fans just don’t seem to be happy unless we can be insufferably smug AND publicly flagellate ourselves over taking shit for the sins of our team.
There are still a lot of shitty things about Gillette Stadium. They still have the 2nd highest ticket prices in the NFL. Standing room 50 yards from the end zone costs Fifty Fucking Dollars. And it takes 30 minutes to get to the 3rd deck because are no escalators or elevators.
It’s now surrounded by a mall/entertainment center where the cheapest place to eat is a Red Robin. Most of the other restaurants are high-priced sports bars and 4 star restaurants. Parking is now more expensive because the mall/entertainment center takes up 1/2 the spaces on game day for whatever idiot feels that they need to buy a fishing rod or go see a movie (yes, there is a movie theater next door to the stadium and yes they show movies all day before during and after the game) so you end up spending $60 to park a mile down the street in a dirt lot.
Public Transportation? There is ONE train that comes from Boston and ONE train that comes from Providence that go to the Stadium and is 1/2 mile from the gate. That’s it. Both trains, as you can imagine, are crowded beyond belief and leave promptly 30 minutes after the game so if you are in the upper deck you have to start heading out at the 2 minute warning or get a $100 taxi home.
The Pats have a Hall of Fame museum. Is it open on Game Day to take the family before or after the game? Fuck no. It doubles as a reception area for one-percenters and corporate sponsors. Crowd noise sucks because the entire 2nd level is nothing buy luxury boxes and the 3rd level is too fucking far from the field.
So I root for the Pats but hate the fucking stadium. Kraft might have paid for it with his own money but it’s more for his rich buddies more than the fan base.
Remember last season when the Pats shit the bed in week 4 against the Chiefs? And every fucking Sully, Murph and McDonald came out of the woodwork to say how Brady’s washed up, he’s done, he’s old, blah blah blah? That’s New England fans for you. Have one bad week and they go from fellating you 24/7 to saying how your dick isn’t that big to begin with. Then we win the Super Bowl and all of a sudden there’s a line down Newbury over who gets to blow Edelman at Daisy Buchanan’s first.
Then there’s the Patriot Way. Kraft made his money by getting a job at his father-in-law’s and then buying his company from him in a leveraged buyout. He married into the money. He’s the John Kerry of football owners, only probably more boring.
I made it to a game at Gillette, a free ticket to watch the regular-season yawnfest against Buffalo, and realized that it was more difficult to get to the stadium than it was to find good parking anywhere near Fenway Park. I left my home at 8 a.m. and got back at 10 p.m. The guy I was with directed me to a parking lot where we then paid to ride a fan special train that ran on tracks last repaired maybe 30 years ago and threatened to derail the car at any moment. Also, even though there were at least 10 PA announcements before we started to move that the train was headed south, several passengers realized too late they were on the wrong train.
Belichick has proceeded to do everything he fucking can to make this team worse as the stupefied fanbase basks in the pent-up post-championship orgasmic glory and pretends everything’s fine.
Growing up a Patriots fan in California, I never had to deal with the true core of our fanbase. Then I went to college. On my floor was a true Masshole. Boston suburb born and bred. This guy had it all—permanent sneer on his face, advanced stage dadbod at 19, Patriots cap on his head nine days a week. Any time I tried to talk to him about the team it was like a message board came to life. “We need another deep threat, gotta go out and get another Randy.” “Other teams don’t win with class.” When we won the Super Bowl I hugged this fucking guy.
I am why this team sucks because when Ryan Mallett was traded for a sixth round pick, I was indignant, feeling that he should have commanded at least a second rounder after having cleaned Tom’s jock for the past three years.
Fuck Albert Haynesworth, David Tyree, David Tyree’s whole family and ancestors, Mercury Morris, and Charlie Weis, and triple quantumfuck Laurence Fucking Maroney with the mandibles of everybody he’s ever fucking loved.
Because as recently as two years ago my aunt and uncle were still complaining that Doug Flutie never got a fair shake from the team and that they didn’t trust pretty boy Tom Brady.
Because all of the assholes who jumped off the bandwagon after the Week 4 loss to Kansas City last year were bleating after losing to Green Bay that this team couldn’t beat anyone good. Of course by mid-February every Tom, Dick, and Sully knew all along this was a team of destiny.
Because even though he’s cold blooded in terms of roster decisions and a great coach, Belichick is a pretty shitty drafter who needs 50 million picks so he hits on more than one player a year.
Because even though I think most reasonable people can see that Ballghazi was blown out of proportion, the Patriots as a team, and we as fans, have done absolutely nothing to earn the benefit of the doubt from anyone.
Also fuck the Jets.
Chad Brown and Monty Beisel were human tackling sleds at ILB the year Ted Johnson retired and Bruschi had a stroke. Those are my expectations for how this Bradley Fletcher/Robert McClain experiment is going to play out at CB.
A friend of mine actually said this to me once, in complete seriousness:
“End of The Road by Boyz II Men came on during my Pandora shuffle and I sang along word for word. When the song was over I was sweating, my voice was hoarse, my eyes were teary and I realized I’m still not over the fact that Revis left my Patriots.”
Because every single Patriots fan on the planet actually believes that the following things are true: (1) “deflator” means “lose weight,” (2) the Tuck Rule play wasn’t a fumble, (3) the Snow Plow game was awesome and something to be proud of and not blatant cheating, (4) fuck Darrelle Revis for leaving don’t let the door hit you on the way out YOU DO NOT REPRESENT THE PATRIOT WAY LIKE TOM BRADY DOES, (5) we deserve your pity because you don’t know what it’s like to go only 18-1 instead of 19-0, and (6) Bill Simmons is a gifted writer. I hate myself sometimes.
Take every negative stereotype of NFL fans, from entitlement to racism to drug- addled women-beating, and Patriots fans embody it. We are everything hateable. We make excuses for cheating. We pollute the airwaves and the Internet with our ill-informed nonsense. We’re evil.