f Page 1525 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Boy, <i>Thursday Night Football</i> Is The Best, Isn't It?

We are blessed by the NFL’s benevolence in its grace to provide us the finest professional football every Thursday night. We aren’t worthy of witnessing the incredible talents of the Jacksonville Jaguars weekly—let alone in such a showcase as Thursday Night Football....

Oregon Militia Idiots Run Free

Back in January, a more innocent time, a bunch of misguided, chili-scarfing jamokes decided that the ideal way to start the uprising against the political leaders who dictated federal land policy was to occupy the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, which is an obscure bit of federal property out in s...

Ex-Penn State Assistant Mike McQueary Awarded $7.3 Million In Whistleblower Lawsuit Against School

Former Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary was one of the key witnesses in the prosecution of Jerry Sandusky. He claims that he saw Sandusky raping a boy in the Penn State locker room in 2001, and that he reported it quickly to Joe Paterno and other university officials. After he was not retain...

Smash Mouth Love Trent Baalke, Hate Chip Kelly

Smash Mouth—the house band from hit 2001 film Shrek—are prominent, prolific Twitter users who are unafraid to go to the mattresses to correct the record if you spread falsehoods online. The San Jose, Calif. natives are also, as it turns out, big 49ers fans who count themselves among the ever-dwindli...

Kyle Schwarber Has Not Been Cleared To Play In The Field

Well, goddamn it, our big brawny boy got some bad news today. After playing hero in the first two games of the World Series, Cubs slugger Kyle Schwarber was informed by doctors today that his surgically repaired knee is still not healthy enough for him to play in the field....

Las Vegas And The Raiders Are Still Trying To Manipulate Each Other

The deal to provide the Oakland Raiders with a record $750 million in public money toward a new stadium in Las Vegas is done. But the rich assholes who want to savor the spoils still have a lot to play for....

Chuck Pagano Really Loves To Chop

Desiigner Got Booed Off The Court By Sixers Fans

Desiigner, a popular rapper whose song “Panda” hit No. 1 on the charts despite having only one verse, performed at halftime of the Philadelphia 76ers’ season opener. He did what he does during all of his live performances—which is to say he made a lot of weird noises and spazzed out and never really...

The Writer Who Was Too Strong To Live

Jennifer Frey drank herself to death....

Making Football Safer Makes It Worse<em></em>

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here. ...

Bob Diaco Fails To Keep His Cool As He Defends UConn's Manufactured Football Rivalry

The Central Florida Knights beat the Connecticut Huskies Saturday in the college football rivalry game known as the Civil ConFLiCT, and earned the right to take home the trophy. UCF passed, instead leaving the prize on a bench. On Tuesday, UConn head coach Bob Diaco, who established the artificial e...

The Cubs Waited The Indians To Death

If Game 2 of the World Series, which took just over four hours to complete, felt like a slog to you at times, well, imagine how it felt for the Indians pitchers who spent a cold night getting five runs squeezed out of them by a relentlessly patient Cubs lineup....

Kyle Schwarber Is Locked In

The World Series is all even and headed to Chicago after the Cubs took Game 2, 5-1. Cleveland rode Corey Kluber until he started showing the first signs of wavering in Game 1, and tonight, a magnificent Jake Arrieta took a no-hitter into the sixth inning, then promptly got pulled after giving up a r...

This Is The Worst Indians Fan

When cutting to commercial after the end of the top of the seventh inning, Fox cameras found this Indians fan rocking a headdress and combo blackface and redface and lingered on him for a full ten seconds. Perhaps focusing on this sad-looking man in racist cosplay is their version of a silent protes...

Shameless Indians Fan Goes Full Butt [NSFW]

A tipster at the World Series sent us the following photo of a man operating in the men’s room with maximum mobility and minimum shame. As you can see, his fellow fans appreciated the entertainment and distraction from their team’s gloomy performance....

Your Dad Is Having A Great Time At The Sixers Game [Update: Not Anymore, They Kicked Him Out]

The Process is not without its acolytes, such as Your Dad here. ...

Trump Ally Alex Jones: I'm Not Anti-Semitic, It's Just That The Jews Control Everything

You see, it’s not that Alex Jones—whom Donald Trump has previously called a “nice guy” with an “amazing” reputation—hates the Jews. It’s just that he knows how how devious and money-hungry they really are. And also that they control the Ubers....

This Simple Trick Ensures You Never Have To Worry About Toasty Crumbs 

If you’re like most of us, you love eating toasted sandwiches for lunch. What you don’t like are all those toasty crumbs that end up scattered everywhere. The good news? You don’t need to live like this any longer. ...

College Football Coaches Are Getting Insane Buyout Clauses

Here’s a tip for college football fans whose favorite teams may or may not fall on hard times at some point in the near future: don’t bother ranting about how the coach needs to be fired, because there’s a good chance the school can’t afford to do so. ...

Trump Eventually Remembers Daughter<em></em>

As Donald Trump took some time off from the campaign trail to unveil his brand new D.C. hotel, he took a moment to bring his much beloved children on stage at the inaugural press conference, so he could show them off to the world. Tiffany Trump was also in attendance. ...