Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here.
Chip Kelly is probably gonna get fired or run screaming out of Philly sometime in the next month, perhaps to the relative stability (hahahahaha) of college football, where he will be free to sign all the terrible quarterbacks and running backs he could ever possibly want to fit his offensive scheme—a scheme perfectly suited for running up the score on non-conference Christian military academies. Or perhaps he’ll end up trading himself to the Titans and fulfill his wet hot fantasy of getting Marcus Mariota hurt.
Either way, Kelly will leave the Eagles with a winning record, regardless if they lose every game left on their schedule (don’t put it past them). But even so, his tenure will be noted as a failure. Most of that is on Chip, of course. It’s strange that the man in charge of such a fun offense seems to have no idea which players would be best suited to play IN that offense. Given full control over personnel, he basically traded one expensive running back for another and then grabbed every injured linebacker and QB he could get his hands on, settling on a completely mystifying collection of players that seemingly had no business working together. Also, he ended Taco Tuesday. You don’t just end Taco Tuesday like that. That’s all on Chip. He fucked up and his players hate him for it.
But as much as I like to joke about firing coaches, the truth is that the NFL is worse off with Chip Kelly failing. Chip did a lot of stupid shit, but he was also a guy who was also genuinely interested in bringing new strategies and training techniques (urine monitoring!) to football. And he had fun sideline placards! I still remember that first game the Kelly Eagles played against Washington, in which Mike Shanahan sat there completely taken off guard by the fact that the Eagles were running plays quickly. HEY THEY CAN’T DO THAT! You can go back and find any number of instant OMG CHIP IS REVOLUTIONIZING THE GAME! takes in the wake of that win. And I was probably among the converted because it’s fun watching teams score lots of points and because it’s genuinely more fun to see innovative football people succeed than it is to see them fail.
But fail they do. For as long as I’ve watched football, I’ve seen big swinging dick gurus like Steve Spurrier walk into the league and then get laughed out of the joint. Any real attempt to revolutionize the game of football tends to get crushed by a league that PRIDES itself on laughing in the face of new ideas. Again, most of these guys have themselves to blame for thinking far too highly of their own strategic acumen, but it would be nice if one of them finally DID revolutionize what has become—at times—a highly stultifying sport. You shouldn’t be pleased that Chip is going down in flames. You shouldn’t want an NFL where even Bill Belichick gets shit for taking the occasional risk.
Because every time someone like Kelly washes out, that only sends a message to everyone else that change is bad and can never work. Better for the average pud coach to fail quietly than to fail as spectacularly as Kelly has in this third season. We’re as far away as we’ve ever been from coaches never punting, and always going for two, and doing all kinds of newfangled shit that ought to be welcome in the sport. And that’s not good. All I want is a mad scientist coach who does NOT turn out to be an egomaniacal fraud who can’t stay around long enough to make his concepts work. That’s not too much to ask.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Seahawks at Vikings: We usually dump on things here at Deadspin because we are a collection of angry BUTTHURT loners, and Lord knows I’ve goofed on Peter King over the years. But I have to say it… Peter King’s vanity site is pretty good! For one thing, it’s divorced from SI.com, which remains unreadable thanks to Richard Deitsch, Thayer Evans and a hilariously incompetent layout, as evidenced here…
King’s site layout isn’t monkey-fucked the way the mothership is. Plus, Robert Klemko and Jenny Vrentas and a handful of other people at the site are fun to read, which is a HUGE accomplishment given that the average football column consists of Woody Paige going DURRRR I LIKE HOW HUNGRY BROCK OSWEILER IS DURRRRRR. They also get good first-person essays from active and former players, AND I still get to hate-read Peter every week…
j. Beernerdness: Now this was an odd one, but very interesting. I sampled Citrus Ninja Exchange by Westbrook Brewing Company (Mount Pleasant, S.C.) on the Thanksgiving holiday and thought it was really, really good.
Ninjas AND citrus? In one beer? Oh, Peter. Oh, I know I can always count on YOU to entertain me.
Packers at Lions: Every team on Thursday Night Football gets some phony-ass “local” to rep them in the promo spot, like the Cincy vendor selling butthole chili to unsuspecting tourists. Anyway, for the Packers/Lions promo, Detroit is repped by a headless child jumping on a trampoline. They couldn’t even give the Lions an adult fan with a job. They had to use an unsuspecting little boy who is mere months away from realizing that his organization is a rotting shithole. It’s not fair. They should have found a Kid Rock tribute band or something.
Colts at Steelers: Quick Big Ben concussion timeline:
1. Big Ben gets concussed
2. Big Ben asks for a concussion test
3. Big Ben says he ACES the concussion test but has a “traumatic ocular migraine,” which is clearly an injury he invented. “Guys, I don’t have a concussion. I just have Saddle Brain. Very common.”
4. Concussion test says Big Ben is concussed
5. NEXT concussion test says he’s okay to play!
And the best part of this whole stupid episode was this Ed Werder tweet:
The whole reason there’s a concussion protocol is BECAUSE a player who got KTFO barely knows what his mom’s name is. You really gonna put it on some oak-brain like Big Ben to ask for a CAT scan every time? Like that guy knows his way around a self-diagnosis. DURRRRR MY KNEE IS BLEEDIN’ SO THAT’S A KNEE LEAK DURRRRR.
I like that the concussion protocol is so loosey-goosey that sometimes players have to put THEMSELVES in it. Every team has one concussion dude on the sideline and I guess if that dude is busy eating a sandwich anyone else can submit Big Ben into the program. Maybe they could have blind submissions, like at a silent auction. Who put me in this protocol? Was it Billy?
Chiefs at Raiders: In the grand tradition of fighting with myself in the mirror, I inhaled a piece of toilet paper this week. I got real sick over Thanksgiving, and I was all stuffed up. So I went to the shitter and grabbed a wad of TP to blow my nose. Only I held the TP too close to my face prior to my windup, and when I breathed in, I SUCKED the TP into my mouth, and then it got caught at the back of my throat, and then I nearly choked to death. I told my co-workers about this incident. Here now are their replies:
“drew needs to be saved from himself”
“how are you a father”
“i brushed my teeth with diaper cream once”
Anyway, if you’re blowing your nose, keep the tissue away from your face UNTIL you begin blowin’. Otherwise, bad things can happen.
Jets at Giants: Ever drink yourself INTO getting the flu? I went to my in-laws’ house for Thanksgiving and ate too much and drank too much. By the end of the night, I was already bloated and miserable. At 11 p.m., I booted a gallon of used stuffing into the toilet. By the next day, I was legitimately ill. Somehow I had parlayed a standard drinking illness into a REAL illness. It can happen! The booze hurts your immune system and stuff. THAT IS SCIENCE. So watch your shit.
Also, I spent five days hacking and wheezing before taking any type of decongestant. Then, when I finally did, I stopped being congested. FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS. I have a college degree.
Texans at Bills: I think the ad where J.J. Watt weightlifts a slice of pizza is funny. I don’t feel good about liking it. You’re really a dad if some Papa John’s ad amuses you. It’s a gateway drug to watching full episodes of CBS sitcoms. I may have to put vinyl coverings on the furniture.
Falcons at Bucs
Eagles at Patriots: We’ve reached the Great Threshold people. It’s happened: Patriots Twitter has surpassed FSU Twitter for Worst Twitter. You could make the most innocuous joke about spying or headset problems or Belichick hunting for MILFs and they come SWARMING, in a coordinated assault of defensive whininess. It’s like they’re all huddled in a shitty bar somewhere in Revere, listening to Dropkick Murphys and waiting for someone on Twitter to aggrieve them.
And what makes it funny that this team wins ALL THE TIME! Look at Simmons howling during that crooked Broncos game…
YOU HAVE FOUR SUPER BOWLS YOU FUCKING BRAT! FOUR! Give my team four Super Bowls and you can let the ref run them over with a fucking road grader for all I care. What more could you possibly want? Give these people the fucking MOON and they’d bitch about it. Do you realize you could be rooting for the Browns? Speaking of which…
Bengals at Browns: Every time I think the Browns have hit a new low, they prove me wrong…
That game was the meanest thing that has ever happened. Were the past 16 years of getting kicked in the nuts not enough? What an awful thing to watch, and against the fucking RAVENS no less. Here, good people, is a team that truly deserves its pity party. You guys can cry from the rooftops anytime you want, far as I’m concerned. I can’t get that one guy’s voice out of my head. “I fucking hate the Browns! I fucking hate the Browns!” Only Cleveland people can hit that particular mix of anger and self-loathing and black humor. That is the voice of the damned.
Cowboys at Skins: The Giants have three winning teams left on their schedule and the Skins have NO winning teams left on their schedule. So I’m VERY excited for Kirkmania to come to crest in a home playoff game against the Seahawks, where the Skins will blow a 20-0 lead and Jay Gruden will leave Cousins in the game with two broken legs.
Jaguars at Titans: Somehow Doug Marrone’s agent got him listed on the WHO’S HOT list of viable head coaching candidates…
Whatever Marrone is paying his agent, it’s not enough. I wouldn’t hire Marrone to make a club sandwich.
Broncos at Chargers: Here’s a quick list of some notable people in football (mostly QBs and coaches, because they matter most) who, through either injury or sucking or other factors, have had a lost season, or are verging on having a lost season:
- Chip Kelly
- Peyton Manning
- Colin Kaepernick
- Johnny Manziel
- Robert Griffin III
- Ryan Tannehill
- Ken Whisenhunt
- John Harbaugh and Joe Flacco
- Sean Payton and Drew Brees
- Nick Foles
- DeMarco Murray
- Jamaal Charles
- Le’Veon Bell
- Keenan Allen and Melvin Gordon
- Matt Ryan
- Tony Romo
There’s been a lot of talk about the declining quality of the NFL onfield product this season, and that can be tied directly to both the officiating AND the struggles of every man up on that list. Up until a week or two ago, you probably could have also put Andrew Luck, Matt Stafford, and Russell Wilson somewhere up above. You can’t sustain a league with this many people all hurt or failing simultaneously. Anecdotally speaking, I’m not sure I remember a season where so many people have been ruined. And it’s not like anyone on this list has to succeed at the expense of anyone else. Kaep can excel at the same time as Johnny Football (in theory, mind you), and vice versa. Instead, thanks to a combination of injuries and organizational idiocy and some legitimate personal failings, both of those men went directly into the toilet, and their teams with it. I blame Thursday Night Football. And London. LOOK AT WHAT YOU COCKNEYS HAVE DONE TO MY BELOVED GAME. We need more players. We should keep an emergency supply in a mountain somewhere.
Cardinals at Rams: This L.A. thing is clearly going to end with all three teams—Rams, Raiders, Chargers—suing everyone in order to move. So get ready for THREE shitty NFL teams in your market, Los Angeles!
By the way, here’s an amusing tweet from Jim Trotter:
Imagine if, after all those other public fuckups, THIS is what brings about the downfall of Roger Goodell. “We were fine with the brain damage and the banana republic justice system for wife beaters, BUT YOU WOULDN’T LET THREE TEAMS DESERT THEIR FANBASES!”
Panthers at Saints
Niners at Bears
Ravens at Dolphins: I have two sons and any time I go to pee, they IMMEDIATELY remember that they have to pee as well, so they come and assault the bathroom door while I’m trying to do my business. You listen to me, kids: Going to pee was MY idea. Stop copying me. Have some damn originality and choose a different time to pee so I’m not rushing my shit. They’re like moths to a flame anytime I try to go #1.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Barbarian,” by The Darkness, as submitted by Steven. They’re back! Squeeze your nuts as hard as you can and sing eight octaves too high, because the time has come to fucking RAWK.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s suicide picks of Arizona, Cincy, and Cleveland (why did I do that) went 2-1. That makes me 21-15 on the season. Again, we now pick three teams for your suicide pool, along with one thing that makes me want to commit suicide. This week, the picks are Chicago, Washington, the Jets, and athletes liking bad movies. Panthers CB Josh Norman likes to prepare for games by playing characters from shitty movies like Troy. Here’s the great Kevin Clark at the WSJ:
In a September game against New Orleans, he decided to reprise Brad Pitt’s portrayal of Achilles from the 2004 Trojan War movie “Troy.” After snagging a key interception in Carolina’s 27-22 win, Norman could be heard repeating the character’s famous maxim: “There are no pacts between lions and men.”
There are NO famous lines from that movie. That was a shitty-ass movie. Time and again, these athletes prove that they cannot be trusted with your Netflix queue. Look at this old quote from Kevin Durant about Transformers 2:
“I didn’t think after the first one it could get any better. But the ending was better. The plot was great. And Megan Fox? What more do you need?”
What more do I need? How about coherent direction, Kevin? HMM?! And what about decent characters and ANY sign of competent editing? I think I need those. Raise your goddamn standards, men. Never ever ask an athlete for movie recommendations.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Do you miss the days when Rick Reilly mailed in his columns with recycled jokes about golf and teeth? Fear not. A reader would like to direct you to Bob Carney at Golf Digest, here to give your dad the kind of gentle, Ron Shelton-esque humor that he just can’t find anywhere these days…
A Baby Boomer’s 9-Step Guide to Millennial Golfers
Oh yes, I think we’ve come to the right place.
1) What are millennials, exactly?
Well Bob, they’re the ones listening to the Kenya West records and jammin’ on about working at the Fartbucks coffee house. And they don’t know ANY Caddyshack quotes! KIDS THESE DAYS.
The most important group of human beings in history, age 20 to 35, and thin. They’re the new guys at your club who say the course is too short and your dress code is prehistoric, meaning pre-Windows 10.
Who are these young scamps making a mockery of my plus-fours?! I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THESE GOT QUITE A FEW COMPLIMENTS FROM MY ACCOUNTING FOURSOME.
Entrepreneurial Millennials (EMs) are rich. They start and sell companies like Cub Scouts sell donuts.
“Everything I know about technology I learned from TV Guide preview notes for HBO’s Silicon Valley!”
4) How do I identify one?
The first place to look is your basement.
LOL IT’S YOUR KID! That little fucker! Bet he’s bloggin’ some blogs down there too. IN HIS UNDIES. How much did you pay to put him through Pomona? Now’s he’s a NERDY COMPUTER NERD. Unreal. And now he’s too old to get a pass from your club on greens fees!
The millennial is typically moody and communicates in clever, ironic bursts. I had one who disappeared after years in my home but left the television set on its video-game function. I have no idea how to get it back to Golf Channel.
It’s the INPUT button on your remote. Real fucking complex stuff.
5) Are these fellas snazzy dressers?
The commentator who said “Rickie Fowler dresses like Neville Chamberlain compared to most millennials” was only partly correct.
O HO HO! Oh, those Rickie Fowler/Neville Chamberlain jokes always get me right in my Baby Boomer sweet spot. Quick! Let’s goof on Jane Fonda!
I was recently paired with some millennials who asked if I minded “some tunes” as we played.
Oh god! NOT TUNES. Was there bass? Did they dab? Were all the kids Justin Bieber? They were, weren’t they? Just you and a bunch of Biebers, destroying the game of golf one videogame input at a time.
Emmitt Smith’s Lock Of The Week!
“This week I like JJ Wart and the Houston Textiles (+3) to win at Buttalo! I love what Biltong Brien has done with this Textiles team. They were a team in FREEBALL! They were absolutely left for deaf. STICK A FUCK IN THEM! Ryan Mallard got cut! But somehow, this team UNICYCLED and came together as lunch! That’s when you know a team has something specious goin’ on… when they dick deep and rise up like the ASSES OF THE FELIX!”
2014 Emmitt Smith record: 8-7
Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Demaryius Thomas! Hey Demaryius, I have some cool news for you: Your team won! You beat the unbeaten Patriots! I swear! THEY DID IT, MAN. You really should have been there. There was SNOW and everything. Really special night. Your teammates would have been so happy to share that moment with you.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2015 chopping block:
Joe Philbin - FIRED!
Ken Whisenhunt – FIRED!
Ooh, Tom Coughlin got formally put on notice this week by the Giants! CLEAR YOUR DOCKERS OUT, YA OLD BASTARD. We’re fumigating the joint and taking mushy peas off the cafeteria menu. TOUGH SHIT.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Dave sends in this story I call A POOP UNLIKE ANY OTHER:
November 2007. A friend of mine who is a huge Colts fan arranged a trip to Indy for the Colts-Pats game. I didn’t really care about either team, but was recently out of college and a long term relationship, and had a job and (very little) disposable income for the first time in my life, so sure, I’ll go drink and watch a football game in person with friends instead of doing so alone in my apartment on a TV that needed to be hit every 90 seconds to work.
So the night before the game, we’re hitting it fairly hard. We had a decent dinner, then went to what seemed like a reasonable bar to pick up girls. While the picking up girls part of the plan failed spectacularly, we were there long enough to get fairly loaded. On the way out of the bar I see a familiar face, Mr. Forced Pun himself, Jim Nantz. Undaunted by striking out with the girls and emboldened by the booze, I decided to make contact. “Hey Jimmy! A tradition unlike any other!” was the best I could come up with in the moment as I stuck out my hand for a shake and slapped him on the back. To his credit, Nantz just smiled, chuckled and shook my hand before we both moved along.
After briefly stopping at another bar, we decided to call it a night, but not before hitting a White Castle prior to heading back to our hotel. The stop at White Castle was unremarkable other than my friend throwing our leftovers at a group of Pats fans on the way out. You can probably tell where this is going next. After not eating White Castle for the previous 23 years of my life, it did not take long for its sliders to live up to their name and work their way through my usually iron clad stomach. I wasn’t sure how much further the walk was to our hotel, but I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I peeled off from my friends and began aimlessly wandering around the streets of downtown Indianapolis looking for a place that would take in a drunken buffoon in the wee hours of the morning. At one point I vividly remember wandering around a bizarre warehouse* with a fake palm tree trying to find a can, but to no avail.
Eventually I tried to just suck it up and make it back to the hotel, but I was on my own now, and wasn’t exactly sure where I was going. Eventually I could tell the dam was about to break, and knew I had to take immediate action. I trotted straight legged into a surface parking lot and started to drop trow a few rows in, when I see a Indy PD squad car strolling down the street. I quickly pull up my pants and “act natural” which is preposterous given the circumstances. Luckily the cop car continued on, and I immediately assaulted the ground with the fiery soft serve that had been brewing since the moment I left the White Castle. I haphazardly wiped with a nearby leaf and went on about my way.
The next morning I woke up on the ground of the hotel room with my boxers dried onto my asshole with a layer of unwiped shit and a rash that lasted for a week. I never ate White Castle again.
*Epilogue: On a business trip years later I noticed that the hotel I was staying in, a Crown Point hotel that had been converted from an old train station, seemed quite familiar. It was the “warehouse” I wandered through back in 2007 trying to find a sympathetic toilet.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Pepperoncini potato chips! These exist! I am excited. I love pepperoncini. If we ever order a greek salad, my wife won’t eat them, so I grab one of those fuckers and eat it whole LIKE A REAL MAN. Then I pucker my lips and swallow the inside of my cheeks. It’s a cool moment.
Gametime Malt Liquor Of The Week
COCO NUTZ STRAWBERRY COLADA MIAMI VICE! Holy shit holy shit holy shit that can. My God. From Nick:
This neon-colored treasure piqued my curiosity while browsing at my local shitty liquor store. The usage of “Z” instead of “S” is always a major selling point in the world of cheap booze. Not to mention association with a popular 80s show/terrible 2006 movie. I still haven’t figured out if the “Colored with Fruits and Vegetables” note at the bottom is a good or bad thing. The drink itself tastes like Don Johnson’s gooch sweat muddled with strawberries and coconut extract. Which still tastes much better than 4 Loko or other malt beverages I’ve tried. I give it a C+.
Imagine making it through that whole can. What kind of headache would that give you? Would your head just surrender and DIE? Why are there vegetables in it? I want to meet the health nut who’s like, “Fruits AND vegetables? Sounds like breakfast to me!” I don’t want vegetables anywhere near my booze. I MUST AVOID THEM.
Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!
“You got a lint roller? Okay, a lint roller is the BEST investment a guy can make. You don’t need a vacuum OR flypaper if you got a lint roller. That’s why I keep a case of lint rollers in the back of my Oldsmobile.”
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans
Legend, featuring TWO Tom Hardys! That’s, like, double the Tom Hardy! SWOON. I’d watch Tom Hardy go out for bagels.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Oh, yeah, this is the life! Boy, next summer can you commit some fraud in Orlando, Florida?”
Enjoy the games, everyone.