This is the mug shot of a man who had a rough weekend. Austin Hill is accused of getting blindingly drunk at Epcot Center, trying to sneak into Disney's underground tunnels, trying to steal a motorized cart, punching two employees, and hitting a third with a pipe.
Ensign Hill, a 24-year-old naval aviator-in-training, served as long snapper on the Midshipmen football team a few years back. Years of the best physical and mental discipline our nation can provide prepared him for Saturday's mission. Each one of these paragraphs, from the Orlando Sentinel's description of the police report, is more amazing than the last:
The victims told deputies Hill entered a backstage office area in the East Innoventions attraction area when he punched Michael Connelly. He suffered a large gash to his forehead and was taken to Celebration Hospital for treatment.
Hill then encountered cast member Timothy Beltley in the tunnels workers use to get around the theme park. Beltley tried to stop Hill from taking a cargo work cart but was punched in the face. He was also treated at the hospital.
Jessica Brown was struck in the left cheek and neck when she came across Hill after he grabbed a 3-foot-long PVC pipe. The injured area swelled but she was treated at the scene.
Disney security held Hill to the ground at the Flavors of Club Cool attraction, a variety soda pop fountain, until deputies arrived. He was bleeding from the knees, wrists and hands when they deputies found him.
Though the article describes the victims as "cast members," it does not say if they were in costume, and if so which Disney characters they were portraying. So use your imagination to picture whatever would be funniest.
At one point, Hill broke free while being escorted to the security office, fell to the concrete and injured his chin and face, the report said.
Hill was charged with battery, aggravated battery, and felony battery. He bonded out of jail Sunday morning.