Photo credit: Ezequiel Becerra/Getty

The young boys on the USMNT U20 team won their age group’s CONCACAF Championship this weekend. Which, for diehard American soccer fans, should be great, being a good omen for the future and all. But fuck that. I never want to root for anyone with one of these nearly universally terrible names.

Seriously, can you see yourself pulling for someone called Coy Craft, a forward in the FC Dallas system? Can you even envision a world where you hear the name Brooks Lennon and not reflexively want to vomit? Or one where Luca De La Torre is not just some stereotypical Italian name you dreamt up for the annoyingly chatty guy behind the counter at the pizza place down the street who insists on asking you how your mother is every time you stop in for a slice (buddy, you’ve never met my mom, why do you even care how she is?!?!), and instead is a starting USMNT midfielder for a World Cup? The answer to all of these questions is no.

Here are some more of the garbage names on the U20 roster that American fans may be stuck cheering for in the nearish future:

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  • Eryk Williamson
  • Erik Palmer-Brown
  • Jeremiah Gutjahr
  • Marlon Fossey
  • Justen Glad
  • Auston Trusty
  • JT Marcinkowski

Christ, is this soccer or hockey? Our one hope for redemption is that Sebastian Saucedo comes good at the expense of the others. Don’t let us down, Saucy.