Shut Up About Tom Brady's Legacy

Here’s a true sentence packed with enough ridiculousness to blast a person across the room like a cannon: a U.S. District Court ruling is anticipated today or tomorrow on whether one of the NFL’s all-time greatest players can be penalized for having general knowledge that some footballs were at some point fractionally… » 9/01/15 2:10pm Yesterday 2:10pm

The NFL's Policy On Punishing Weed Smokers Is Arbitrary And Retrograde

Congratulations to Oday Aboushi on his one-game suspension for violating the NFL’s substances of abuse policy. Police arrested the Jets offensive lineman in January and charged him with driving while suspended, careless driving, and possession of a controlled dangerous substance after they found “a small amount” of… » 8/21/15 11:17am 8/21/15 11:17am

Tom Brady Settlement Talks Are Going Poorly

It’s Tom Brady Day again in a Manhattan federal courthouse, and you should expect nothing. Don’t expect a settlement; talks between the NFL and Brady broke down yesterday. Don’t expect Brady himself; though the Patriots quarterback was in court last week, and took part in the mediation hearing before a magistrate… » 8/19/15 9:28am 8/19/15 9:28am

Tom Brady Looks Like He's Melting In His Courtroom Sketch

Judge Richard Berman held a hearing in New York Federal Court today for Tom Brady’s civil case against Roger Goodell and the NFL, and Berman did his best to move the process along as both sides’ legal teams took shots at each other, but the best part of the whole event was the courtroom sketch of Brady, in which he… » 8/12/15 2:14pm 8/12/15 2:14pm

Roger Goodell On Why NFL Didn't Correct ESPN's Ballghazi Report: Uhhh

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference in Chicago today to announce the 2016 NFL Draft’s return to the city, and while he was taking questions, the Boston Globe’s Ben Volin took the chance to ask why the league didn’t correct Chris Mortensen’s “11 of 12 footballs” report when Ted Wells’s investigation… » 8/11/15 6:03pm 8/11/15 6:03pm

Roger Goodell Yuks It Up Over Ballghazi

You could do worse than picking your friends by their laughs. Not that someone’s laugh reveals whether they’re a good person or a bad person, but it’s a pretty great indicator of if you’d enjoy spending time with them. A good laugh is lovely and musical. An annoying laugh pries open your skull and grates your brain… » 8/07/15 12:55pm 8/07/15 12:55pm

The NFL Would Like To Have A Little Talk With You About Sex

Does the NFL give its players sex advice? Of course it does! This is a league that tells its players how to tuck in their uniforms, has an approximately 600-word definition of what a catch is, and has its employees sign an “integrity of the game” honor code. So why not give its players The Talk? » 8/05/15 5:39pm 8/05/15 5:39pm

The NFL's Dumbass Deflategate Science Report Is A Feature, Not A Bug

Last night, a mountain of documents and transcription emerged from Tom Brady’s late June appeal hearing before Roger Goodell. It’s been a circus, with a series of insults, emails, and sneaker requests to Tom Ford pouring out of the file cabinet, but the testimony most relevant to the case circles back to whether or… » 8/05/15 5:03pm 8/05/15 5:03pm

The Full Story Of Tom Brady's Destroyed Cell Phone

The biggest revelation from Roger Goodell’s decision upholding Tom Brady’s four-game suspension was that Brady’s cell phone was destroyed shortly before meeting with Ted Wells and his investigators, even though he knew Wells wanted access to the contents of his text messages. Here is how Wells described his request to… » 8/05/15 9:30am 8/05/15 9:30am

Here's The "Integrity Of The Game" Honor Code The NFL Says Brady Broke

For the first time—as far as we can tell—the NFL’s secret honor oath has become public, as part of the NFLPA’s lawsuit over Tom Brady’s suspension. It’s this “Integrity Of The Game Certification” upon which the NFL has hinged its four-game ban on the Patriots quarterback, and yet the text of this honor code was never… » 8/04/15 11:35pm 8/04/15 11:35pm

Tom Brady Lied And Killed Babies With His Lies

It’s the day after the NFL’s bombshell revelation—all revelations must be BOMBSHELL—that Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone before NFL investigators could get their hands on it and use it to expose his plots. But he destroyed more than just his cell phone that day, fair reader … HE DESTROYED OUR NATIONAL INNOCENCE. » 7/29/15 4:31pm 7/29/15 4:31pm

Taste Roger Goodell's Wrath With Our NFL Punishment Generator

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is a ruddy incompetent who draws out decisions on punishing league employees in order to soak up the most positive attention he can. Until now, fans have only been to take part in this experience as third parties. Thanks to the NFL Punishment Generator, though, you too can answer a… » 7/29/15 4:05pm 7/29/15 4:05pm

Here Are 20 Sentences From Roger Goodell's Tom Brady Decision

The NFL has issued a stirring 20-page decision on the issue of New England quarterback Tom Brady’s four-game suspension. In it, Roger Goodell makes the case for upholding his own decision by citing evidence gathered by the NFL’s investigatory arm and a nominally independent law firm. It reads about the way you’d… » 7/28/15 6:15pm 7/28/15 6:15pm

Report: "Influential" NFL Owners Pushing For Full Tom Brady Suspension

Roger Goodell is expected to hand down a decision on Tom Brady’s Ballghazi appeal any day now. (Whichever day it comes, it will almost certainly be announced at 5:30 p.m.) Here’s a Pro Football Talk report that claims Brady’s camp and the NFL have held talks on a potential settlement that would take the decision out… » 7/23/15 10:33am 7/23/15 10:33am

Looking For A Job? Apply To Be The NFL's New Director Of Investigations!

Want to aid the NFL in its quest to rid itself of the scourge that is player misconduct? Ever find yourself shaking your head at the bone-headed mistakes that ruin one of their innumerable faulty investigations? Think you can do better? Then by all means, apply here for the league’s newest position, Director of… » 6/27/15 4:16pm 6/27/15 4:16pm

Roger Goodell Has More To Lose Than Tom Brady

In just a few minutes, at the NFL office at 345 Park Avenue, Tom Brady will begin his appeal of his four-game suspension for his role in the Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal. And while drama and reality dictate that I say something like “he’ll be facing off against Roger Goodell,” that’s not technically true. Goodell… » 6/23/15 9:10am 6/23/15 9:10am