Curt Schilling is being sued by the state of Rhode Island as a result of that whole video game company going bankrupt and defaulting on $75 million in loans thing. In an attempt to satisfy his creditors, Schilling's putting the contents of his Medfield home up for estate auction, enabling you (or somebody else) to buy his crap for pennies on the dollar!
And what crap there is. The listing features all manner of furniture, sundries, and home decor, but we're gonna focus on stuff you'd actually want. We narrowed it down to eleven lots we endorse for your bidding.
1. A Fake Plant
The auction description notes that sadly, Schilling's bloody sock is not for sale. (It went separately for $92,000.) But you can get something equally ersatz! This fake fern in Lot #2 will go perfectly in your foyer or dorm room, and unlike certain Rhode Island-based video game companies, it won't die as a result of neglect or mismanagement.
2. A Pile Of Crap
Lot #38 is a pile of Curt Schilling's crap. Just look at what you could buy! A combination lock to which you do not possess the combination! A deck of playing cards that he apparently received as the shittiest birthday gift ever! A Phiten necklace, the efficacy of which is as disreputable as Curt Schilling's business decisions! USB CABLES!
3. A Hummer Golf Cart
Want to roll like a big spender but lack the cash to make do with the real thing? Well, sorry, 38 Studios has closed its doors. But you can still get by in this custom diamond-plated Hummer golf cart! Lot #61 will make you a terror on the fairways no matter how bad your slice!
4. A Pink Christmas Tree
Art Deco? More like Art DECOY, with this hot-pink tannenbaum that doubles as an in-a-pinch traffic cone for your toddler's Barbie Power Wheels car. Or use it as an enormous buttplug and do to yourself what Schilling's company did to Rhode Island taxpayers.
5. Several Giant Spiders
6. The Ice Mower
This custom Craftsman mower comes with tire chains, in case you find yourself with the urge to engage in lawn maintenance while crossing Parley's Summit. Also, ice cannot be mowed.
7. Two Custom Nintendogs Nintendo DSes
Feel like people are taking you too seriously as you tap away at Animal Crossing on the subway? Up your douche quotient with Lot #78, featuring these two customized DSes that broadcast your love for Nintendo's Most Dangerous Game.
8. A DJ Hero Controller
Believe it or not this is a very important and valuable artifact, as it's proof someone actually bought DJ Hero. Now you, too, can slap your hand back and forth while staring at a screen, because you totally, totally weren't doing that several times a day already.
9. A Custom Curt Schilling Robe
You know what? That's actually pretty awesome. I'd pay money for that.
10. Several Dozen Copies Of 100 Questions & Answers About Melanoma
For the discerning collector who has many, many friends averse to sunblock, Lot #142 is your ticket to education via the SHADE Foundation of America. Who is the president of the SHADE Foundation of America? Leave your answers below.
(Curt Schilling not included.)