Update: Nah, this isn't happening. I wrote a post based on a satire website, which is just about the dumbest way to fuck up. Sorry. Fuck me. Woulda been cool though. Original post below.
The IOC has officially added a new half-court 3-on-3 basketball event to the competitions to be held in the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. This rules.
Right away, you'll have to throw a big bucket of calm down on your head because, as the IOC put it in a 2012 letter discussing its interest in 3-on-3, a large part of the impetus is to focus more on the amateurism of sports and get the event away from being "somewhat of an exhibition for the American NBA."
But forget that, the IOC is corrupt as shit and no one's turning down the revenue you'd see from NBA stars getting in on a 3-on-3 event, which would be downright pornographic for basketball nerds, if they were interested. So, how's this going to work?
Of the rumours surrounding the inclusion, Mr Bach made sure to clarify that the newly included competition would be listed in the program as "3-on-3″ – with IOC deciding against the proposals recommendation that suggested the variant be named "Streetball"
Uhhhhh, OK, well it's good that you guys didn't name it that and all, but I don't see why you'd be bringing that up now, given—
Similarly to the Equestrian and dressage events being hosted in the city's rural outskirts – Bach has been informed by Brazilian IOC representative, Carlos Arthur Nuzman, that the '3-on-3′ competition will be hosted in Rio's more disadvantaged basketball-ing hotspots.
Mr Nuzman had previously stated that while he too was opposed to naming the event 'Streetball' – he was very interested in creating an event that mirrored the 3-on-3 games that are most commonly played in urban ghetto environments.
Anyway, before this is ruined the rest of the way, as surely it will be before the year's out, let's talk our dream DR3AM TEAMS. (That's what it will be called, and you'll hate this before you even get to see it.)
I'm going with Steph, Klay, and AD. I can't defend this position at all. I have no idea what 3-on-3 with NBA and international pros will look like, but I think you're going to want shooting, range, and at least one great perimeter defender who can defend the NBA equivalent of stretch 4s. Klay's the best mix of shooting and versatile defending, Steph is in there because he's a great passer and shooter and also I'm massively biased and just putting him ahead of Durant for no reason, and AD is a space alien with a 15-footer.
This is a fun game before it's ruined; who ya got?