SSome people are fans of the Washington Redskins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Redskins. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the 2013 NFL previews so far right here.
Your team: Washington Redskins. I know many sites have decided to not use the term "Redskins," but I feel like they're doing the Redskins a favor that way. If anything, people in the media should refer to the Skins with an even MORE offensive nickname, to really emphasize how stupid it is to use the name REDSKINS in 2013. Here are some options I'm toying with.
- Savage Beasts
- Savage Beasts Who Must Be Brought To Heel By The White Man
- Dirt Worshippers
- Buffalo Jockeys
- Pipe-Smokin' Alkies
- Card Shufflers
- Big Chief No Fart
- Cowboy Killers
- Torn ACLs
That feels more effective to me.
Your 2012 record: 10-6. And it's amazing how meaningless a 10-6 comeback season feels when it ends like this:
SNAP CRACKLE POP.
Your coach: Leatherfaced dictocrat Mike Shanahan. You need Mike Shanahan to schedule a practice? He will schedule the SHIT out of a practice. Need Mike Shanahan to get medical clearance for his visibly injured QB before sending him onto FedEx Field's hallowed mangrove swamp turf? That's where he falls a wee bit short.
Please note that the greater DC area has been arguing about how Shanahan handled the Seattle game now for eight straight months. This is why Congress hasn't gotten any laws passed.
Your quarterback: Robert Griffin III, who has all the athleticism of Cam Newton and none of the durability.
Only the Redskins could fuck this up. Only the Redskins could draft such a brilliant young talent, let him get slaughtered on a rec softball league-quality playing surface, and then spend the entire offseason passive aggressively sniping with both him and his doctor. RGIII is the most exciting player in football, yet he is exceptionally fragile, unsurprisingly pigheaded, and is flanked by WTA-quality stage parents. The Redskins—who suck at public relations more than any company has sucked at anything—have mishandled Griffin to the point where I'm now excited for him to finally lose it and tweet out FUCK SHANNY and then delete the tweet five seconds later.
Redskins fan worship RGIII the way a stalker worships a woman he's about to stab to death. They love him so much that they get SO VERY ANGRY when RGIII does something to disappoint them, like accepting gifts from fans on his wedding registry. WE LOVE YOU RGIII BUT NOW YOU MUST DIE FOR NOT BEING PERFECT. WE SHALL WEAR YOUR SKIN AT NIGHT. If I were RGIII, I would be terrified.
Your fantasy player everyone will hate: Alfred Morris, who was a reliable fantasy back every week last season. Mike Shanahan will never allow something like that to happen again. It's more goal line swing passes to Evan Royster for everyone!
Why your team sucks: People who defend the Redskins' decision to keep their name like to cite polls that overwhelmingly support the franchise's stance. They will tell you that, like steroids in baseball, this is purely a media-driven story and that the average person doesn't care about it. And they're correct. Most people don't care, possibly because most people are not Native Americans because we killed all the Native Americans. But I am in favor of continually harping on this team to change their name because the Redskins organization deserves to have PILES of shit thrown at them. Frankly, they could be named the Tigers and I'd still demand they change it just to be a dick to them.
They are the most tone-deaf franchise in the history of organized sport. To keep their lucrative, racist brand going, they trotted out an Indian chief (who wasn't even a chief and probably wasn't even an Indian) to "support" them as part of a series of team-issued press releases that read like a fucking missive from the North Korean government. "Everyone is happy with our name! WE ARE A PROUD PEOPLE. Dan Snyder has never killed anyone!" I'm surprised Dennis Rodman hasn't been invited into Snyder's luxury box.
It's ironic that Dan Snyder is the kind of fellow who supports the name Redskins but will happily cry anti-semitism anytime someone dares to criticize him. He is a repulsive, disgusting man who has spent over a decade ruining this team and steadily surrounding himself on all sides with boot-licking toadies. He only allows shiteaters like Larry Michael to interview him. Here's a sample question from Michael:
A rainy day here in Richmond, and Dan Snyder, the crowds have been record-breaking, and I would think for the Redskins this has just been an outstanding camp.
What a deeply probing interrogation you're laying on there, fella. This is how it is in DC. There is a toxic, denial-laden officiousness to this franchise that only the New York Yankees can hope to match. And it trickles down from ownership to the coaching staff, to ex-players, to beat reporters, to radio hosts like Kevin Sheehan who spend all day gargling Shanny's ball sweat, to drunk Dead Tree Crew members in the FedEx parking lot doing bellyflops on the roof of their minivans. The Redskins are so transparently phony that they can barely hide their contempt for the general public. They use their fans for money. They use the media to push their shitty in-stadium experience. They use everyone and spit in your face when you dare to call them on it. They're repugnant.
Oh, and they suck too! Every year, the Skins are forced to pray their tiny nest egg of core players—Griffin, Brian Orakpo, Trent Williams, Pierre Garcon, Fred Davis—stay healthy and/or don't get caught with 5,000 pounds of weed in the back of a rented ice cream truck. Once those guys go down, it's another year of limping to 6-10 with no healthy receiving threats and a nonexistent pass defense. They have the facade of a capable football team, but beyond that there's nothing but old plywood and boxes of lugnuts. Griffin will have to carry them on his little stick legs again, and those legs are bound to give out. I have Week 3 in my injury pool!
This is what Skins fans deserve, of course. I've lived in the DMV for 10 years and Redskins fans are the most humorless, bro-tastic, lecturing group of assholes you'll ever meet. They all act like CEOs and they treat players like they're their personal employees. They talk about Bruce Allen and Shanahan as if they're all somehow colleagues. "London Fletcher has done a LOT for us, but I'm wondering if it's time for us to move on." Picture a person with the arrogance of Joe Theismann and the self-seriousness of Mark Schlereth. Now imagine 60,000 of them in a single stadium. That's Redskins fans. Go ahead and take a cold shower thinking about that.
By the way, are you aware of how many insufferable media personalities this franchise has produced? Theismann, Mark May, LaVar Arrington... playing for the Skins is like an asshole training seminar.
Why your team doesn't suck: Ever have Griffin on your fantasy team? Oh God, when he's on, you feel like you're king of the world. It's worth having him even if he only ends up playing five games.
The 18 worst Redskins ever:
1) Snyder. More Crown Royal, Mr. Snyder?
2) Albert Haynesworth. The best part was that everyone knew he would tank the second he got paid, and yet the Skins couldn't WAIT to fly him in.
3) Bruce Smith/Deion Sanders/Jeff George/Mark Carrier. I miss the days of Snyder openly trying to buy a championship and then failing miserably.
7) Michael Westbrook
8) Malcolm Kelly. It's amazing how many teams have whiffed on wideouts in the second round. Drafting a wideout in the second round is like putting your hand in a coffee grinder.
9) Jim Zorn/Norv Turner/Steve Spurrier
12) Taylor Jacobs
13) Desmond Howard
14) Josh Morgan. That's some clutch taunting, right there.
15) Heath Shuler
16) Dana Stubblefield
17) Adam Archuleta. Say his name to any Skins fan and they will drive off a highway ramp.
18) Danny Wuerffel. Once upon a time, there existed a LESS talented Tim Tebow.
Emails from Redskins fans!
Remember that one kid in school who was popular only because he had money and nobody ACTUALLY enjoyed spending more than 30 seconds in his presence? And everyone was just about to wash their hands of him completely but then his folks got him a Camaro for his 16th birthday? And then everyone wanted to hang out with him again, right up until the point where he wrapped the Camaro around a telephone pole, at which point everyone felt justified in just writing him off as a complete dipshit for good?
The Redskins are that kid and Robert Griffin III is our Camaro.
Last season RG3 made me forget how much I hate Dan Snyder. This offseason, Dan Snyder made me forget how much I liked RG3.
People who think that the Nationals' nascent fanbase will manage to mature and turn DC into a great American baseball town clearly haven't met a Redskins fan.
Josh fucking Morgan will be the direct cause of losing at least 2 games in the fourth quarter.
FedEx Field is a super dump. It's the reason you stay home to watch games in HD on your couch. Getting in and out of the place is a disaster that will take you hours. It's a giant corporate shit hole that ends up half full of Eagles or Cowboys fans even when they aren't fucking playing there. The 400 section is a nightmare level filled with drunken brawls, usually among Redskins fans. The field is the biggest embarrassment in the NFL. It looks like a fucking mine field. Snyder will spend a fortune on players (usually shitty) but probably not even $10 on the awful grounds crew this team has. We wait decades to get a franchise QB and our own fucking field helps injure him. Perfect.
The team's pass defense was 30th in the league so they finally cut DeAngelo Hall. To replace him they bring in - DeAngelo Hall!
The team finally avoided fucking itself with a lunchbox for five minutes and traded for the right to pick RGIII and promptly allowed him to tear his ligaments to a bloody pulp on a field that looks like it's been watered with the urinary trough at a horse race.
Hopefully somebody rubs smallpox on those old fucking Lombardi trophies.
How did the Cowboys become 'America's Team'? I'll tell you how: The Redskins.
On game days, FedEx Field is the world's largest truck stop. Nothing but dickheads from Dumfries and La Plata who have taken out a second mortgage on their trailer to pay for their season tickets (and a tasteful wedding gift for RGIII). If you're looking for a collection of every windshield sticker of Calvin pissing on something, look no further than the FedEx Field parking lot (or, you know, the $40 lot across the Beltway that you can take a shuttle from).
The cognitive dissonance of this bunch is astounding — on one hand, they'll despise the man-boy owner for suing season ticket holders and keeping a tight inventory on plastic cups, while on the other hand they bow down to his WE WILL NEVER CHANGE THE NAME WRITE IT DOWN IN CAPS bullshit.
We should just accept who we are and move to South Carolina and put the confederate flag on the helmet because we're "proud of our history."
There is a good chance there are no such thing as Washington sports fans. 98% of the calls into sports talk radio begin with "I'm actually a Cowboys fan, but let me tell you why your defensive line is terrible" or "It doesn't bother me because I'm a Giants fan, but RGIII with his dick out is a problem for everyone down in Ashburn."
FedEx field is a cheerless shrine to corporate expense accounts. It’s a concrete toilet in the middle of an asphalt wasteland. Despite being in the middle of nowhere, surrounded 360 degrees by parking lot, it’s still somehow difficult to access on gameday. The parking for the Gray Lot costs the same as the Green Lot at $40 a game. The Gray Lot is a dirt field that was purchased by Snyder in 2010. There are two ways out of the Gray Lot to the game - all the way out the back of the lot down the road to the stadium (about a mile walk), or through the woods with no real path and two makeshift bridges that span a creek. The last time we parked in the Gray Lot was opening day 2011 when a girl fell into the creek and suffered a compound fracture of her tibia.
The Redskins website once listed the standings of the NFC East in reverse order so that people that casually went to the site thought they were in 1st place.
This is the seventh-largest metro area in the US and Snyder keeps having to knock out sections of seats at FedEx to replace them with "party decks" in a useless attempt to act like our fanbase is larger than Jacksonville's. We're fucking pathetic.
All the bad things ever written and said about this stadium are understatements. It is the anti-stadium.
If Dan Snyder was drowning in the Anacostia River, I'd throw him a cinder block.
It is bad enough we have Dan Snyder as owner, and have endured him for almost 15 years already, but my god he is only 48 years old! This isn't a Jerry Jones, Ralph Wilson or Jerry Richardson situation- at least they will die soon. We're stuck with Snyder for like forty more years!
RGIII's knee will no doubt collapse into itself, creating a black hole and ending all life on Earth as we know it.
Rex Grossman is still somehow on the roster.
DC is America's Worst City. I've lived in fucking Memphis and Tampa, FL. I'd take out a subprime mortgage in both before I move back to DC. Want to pay NYC prices to be on a shitty busline in Fairfax County on a street that has been under repair since the Carter Administration? Move to DC!
You have to go to hellholes like Woodbridge, VA or PG County, MD to find Skins Country. Here, you'll identify the local Skins fan by their mating cry on 106.7 The Fan:
"'Sup LaVar and Dukes. Yo, I'm like 1/88th Cherokee Indian and I AIN'T OFFENDED BY THAT NAME!"
For one cold, late-season game one year, my family and I had the distinct pleasure of sitting in front of a man who looked to be homeless, though since he could pay the king's ransom to get in the stadium, he must not have been. He must have had 15 hot dogs and about 400 beers, because from the beginning of the first quarter he looked like he was about to vomit everywhere. He still hadn't by halftime, so we assumed the danger must have passed. Halfway through the third quarter, I see my sister jump out of her seat with the urgency of Chris Culliver accidentally walking into a gay bar. I look over and boom, dude is vomiting everywhere. She managed to get out of the way, but a little bit of that vomit got into my drink. I will never know how my sister developed the spider senses to dodge that waterfall of vomit and I will never, ever forget that chunk (yes, chunk) of puke floating around in my soda. Haunting.
We are the Dallas Cowboys' psychotic ex-girlfriend.
Go up to Northern Virginia and ask anyone to name their favorite player from the past 10 years and the answer is ALWAYS Chris Cooley.
I worked as a bartender in Richmond (where the Skins held their training camp), and I swear I got into this argument three times a night:
Drunken patron: "Kirk Cousins is the best quarterback on the team"
Me: "You're a fucking idiot and I'm cutting you off"
Our starting left tackle smoked so much weed during the 2011 lockout he was suspended for four games. He rebounds the next year to make the Pro-Bowl only to bitch slap Richard Sherman after losing to the Seahawks in the playoffs and then gets into a bar fight in Honolulu and is scratched from the Pro Bowl because a beer bottle was smashed over his head.
Nobody, fan or bandwagoner, knows all the words to the fight song and I fucking die every time it comes on and we all have to struggle through it together “Hail to the Redskins…blerh da da da…something da dooo da… fight for ol’ DC!”
My sports happiness level over the next 6 months (and likely many years on) is based on the health of a couple of inches of tendon that will be targeted harder than a Syrian chemical weapons plant.
Did you all know RGIII hurt his knee? We really haven't covered that enough.
As an actual member of the Shawnee Tribe, I don't know whether to be more offended at the fact that we're named the Redskins or the fact that I was not afforded the opportunity to sell out my heritage and support the name for a super sweet bribe.
Also, RGIII will not respond to my youtube videos inviting him to see my new puppy.
We are still owned by Dan Snyder. The man combines the satanic personality of Al Davis with the money-grubbing “get every god damned penny I can” attitude of Mike Brown.
Shannahan looks like a cartoon thermometer when it’s really hot out.
Fat Albert and the Junkyard gang is such a perfect nickname for the Skins lockeroom during the Zorn era but at least you only had Tight Ends posting pictures of there tiny pee-pees online instead of leaving purple bubblegum all over the interior of rental cars for one of your fans (who pays your salary btw) to clean up after you killed your pal.
And You just know Sean Taylor would not of gotten along well with Roger Goodell all these years
Since 2000 here are all the WRs I can remember off the top of my head: Taylor Jacobs, Rod Gardner, Mike Westbrook, James Thrash, Laveranues Coles, Darnerian McCants, Santana Moss, Jimmy Farris (scrap!), Sean Taylor, Brandon Lloyd (fun fact: I own possibly the only authentic Brandon Lloyd Redskins jersey that was ever sold to anyone who didn't have a job description involving decorating Lloyd's in-house recording studio), Antwaan Randle-El, David Patten, Anthony Armstrong, Aldrick Robinson, Josh Morgan, James Thrash again, Leonard Hankerson, Devin Thomas, Malcom Kelly, Niles Paul, Pierre Garcon. That's just about everyone. This is not a list of our number 2 receivers, these are our studs.
Daniel Snyder is the type of owner who may one day decide to kill babies for the hell of it after he spends 14 hours in his luxury box getting hammered and watching Mike Shanahan single-handedly give the game away to the other team. Snyder will kill these babies and proceed to sue any news publication/blog/twitter account/etc. that even mentions what he did. He will somehow get away with it and will do so all while Roger Goodell gives him fellatio while wearing a Native American headdress.
Also, fuck Steve Spurrier.
Even the road to their training facility is a fucking speed trap.
RG3 is football's Greg Oden.
Simply finding your car and leaving the stadium after the game is a Kafkaesque struggle of the mind.
Conversation between 2 dudes in RG3 jerseys at a shitty bar that caters to a bunch of kids right out of college:
"Hey man, weren't you a big Panthers fan last season? Where's your Newton jerz?"
"What? No... Well, I sorta was, but not, like, diehard, y'know? I mean, I'm from South Carolina. Panthers are in Charlotte. That's North Carolina. So, like, yeah, I was just like 'fuck it' and pulled the trigg."
"Yeah, I just moved here from Peek-town, K-S. RG3 is so sick."
No fanbase is more out of touch with reality when it comes to talent.
I literally heard Sonny Jurgensen say, "It's 4th down, they'll either go for it or punt the ball" on the Redskins radio broadcast. And Sam Huff once called our quarterback RD3.
We're the only team that sues destitute widows in order to steal their dead husband's season tickets and then resell them.
I love my dog. She's really great and I'd do anything for her. I'd also put her in a burlap bag and beat her with a brick if it meant not seeing any more fucking wide receiver screens to Santana Moss for a two yard loss.
Fuck Larry Michael with a broom stick.
What has been the fan reaction to RG3 this offseason to thank him for being the franchise's savior? Tune into sports radio anytime over the last few months, and you will hear the hosts, and their idiot callers, calling RG3 a diva. At least the Eagles waited 7 or 8 years of postseason failures before they started turning on McNabb. It took us like a year.
As a Skins fan living in NYC, I pay DirecTV like $300 a year to watch the games at home. I'd pay five times that just to avoid encountering douchebag Skins fans at whatever bar while trying to watch my game in peace.
I've owned 3 Redskin jerseys in my lifetime. Within a year of buying them, they either:
A. Unceremoniously retired after a 19 year Hall of Fame career.
B. Got traded for Clinton fucking Portis.
C. Got shot and killed.
The only trade Bruce Allen's made so far is white pants for gold pants. What in the world does this guy do? His business card must say "I'm not Vinny Cerrato" on it, which is enough to give any Redskins fan a big ol' boner.
I come from a family of Skin fans and this past year we played the Cowboys on Thanksgiving. We are about to sit down to dinner during halftime of the game and my cousin sits at the table with a shirt that says "Cowboys suck" with a image of a cowboy giving head to an Indian. No one scolds him for wearing such a classless shirt but instead everyone joins together in a nice long laugh. Fuck our racist fans.
Because DC media sucks and has sucked saps like me into thinking they're the best squad every year since the late 1930s...I've done extensive research on the locals coverage of the Skins and I'd bet both of my pennies that the difference between the reports we get on the Skins and what the rest of the country gets on the Skins is wider than that given any other NFL market. It's absurd.
Look at how the local market treated the story about RGIII's alleged texting of photos to a girl in Virginia on or around his wedding day versus the rest of the country. Jay fucking Leno was making jokes about RG3's alleged behaviors — seriously! — yet far as I can tell the Washington Post refused to even mention the scandal existed. I remember hearing one reporter, I think it was John Keim, on radio being asked about RG3's scandals and he acted like he hadn't heard anything about it. Sure.
Whether RG3 sexts or not ain't the pentagon papers, obviously, but ignoring the murky chapters of his persona after blogging about every facet of his wedding preparation is symptomatic of what's always gone on here. (Chris Cooley got the same protections when he cheated on his cheerleader wife.)
Plus, Dan Snyder only gets interviewed by his own employees, which is really funny.
An embarrassing name that most of our fans don't want to change led by an owner who has flatly refused to consider it. A stadium that's in the middle of god damn Landover. Ugh.
In 2007 I snagged the Eagles game from my father's season tickets to bring a college friend from Philly. Two drunk morons decided they'd had enough arguing over Joe Gibbs's play calling, stood up and started some aggravated jawing. Sitting directly behind one, who sat behind the other, we had a front row view as the Redskins fan in the higher row, pushing three bills, decided to spear tackle the other, much skinnier, Redskins fan. They flew into the row below and broke off the plastic seat on impact before their wrestling crashed them down into the next row, crushing the people beneath them and scattering those nearby. After fighting down a few more rows of the upper deck, they landed on another drunk Redskins fan who, instead of getting out of the way, joined in. The melee, which began in the 15th row, turned into one of those cartoon fights where you only see fists sticking out of a tangle of bodies, eventually reaching the bottom of the section where a half dozen security guards showed up and restrained everyone.
Immediately after the fight began, McNabb tossed a screen pass to Brian Westbrook that resulted in a scrambling 57-yard touchdown run that put the Eagles up by one with three minutes left. I only saw a split second of the play as the stadium noise caused me to look up from the fight long enough to acknowledge the Redskins were blowing the game. The Eagles would go on to score another touchdown and win 33-25.
This was also the last game Sean Taylor (SEAN TAYLOR!!!!!!!11) played.
Fuck Dan Snyder.
Fuck Daniel Snyder.
Fuck Dan Snyder.
Fuck Dan Snyder.
Fuck Dan Snyder.
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