Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Remember that awful Notre Dame promotional video we wrote about yesterday? Well, it only seemed awful because everyone interpreted it wrong. Actually, it was kind of brilliant. My pal Nate Freeman, who knows nothing about sports, is here to explain.


If you've watched Notre Dame's latest attempt at self-promotion, featuring the musical stylings of something called Freekbass, you've probably come to the same conclusion as all other ear-bearing Americans: this song is perfect for Notre Dame Football. Clearly, the over-the-top axe he's rocking — a cross between Prince's purple Cloud Guitar and curylycued 78-year-old genitalia — symbolizes Touchdown Jesus, lurking behind Notre Dame Stadium on crisp autumn afternoons. That faux-funk-wa-wa pedal? The roar of the crowd when that little Irishman mascot person sprints out onto the field. Those bug-eyed-alien-looking white sunglasses? They're there for the glare that is the bright future of Brian Kelly's program.

Still, it's been argued — namely, well, everywhere — that Notre Dame could have done better. Much better. Perhaps the reception would have been kinder had they chosen any one of the following beats:

1. Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O'Connor. An Irishwoman herself, O'Connor is as big of a Notre Dame fan as they come, I'm sure. Those feisty Catholics in South Bend, however, may get peeved when she rips up a picture of Benny XVI on the 50-yard line halfway into the shoot. Oh, well.


2. I Love College, Asher Roth. Our Savior of Entitled-White-Boy Rap, Roth gives us a paean to the undergraduate experience, and with it the perfect backing track to a totally pumpin' Notre Dame pump-up video! And with it as the new soundtrack, all those jugtacular cheerleaders would have to be replaced by frat bros in lax pinnies shotgunning till they vom their brains out! Win.

3. The Heart of Rock 'n' Roll, Huey Lewis. This classic comes off an album called "Sports," so I can presuppose that it has some relation to football, right?


4. Lisztomania, Phoenix. Unquestionably the greatest rock song of the past few years about Hungarian piano virtuosos, this choice is all-too obvious. And here's a little-known fact: Liszt was actually a raw right tackle, recruited by the Irish in 1831. The music department wasn't to his liking.

5. Baby, Justin Bieber. The star recruit for the Class of 2016, tween-aged robot Bieber might be forced to make the tough decision between a scholarship offer from the Irish and his streak of consecutive days trending on Twitter. NCAA regulations, you know?


6. Beamer, Benz, or Bentley, Lloyd Banks ft. Juelz Santana. Banks penned this impassioned protest track to fight the proliferation of unethical recruiting practices that has become an increasingly pertinent problem amonGst NCAA programs. The line "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley?" is a direct quote from a text that a Notre Dame assistant coach might have sent to a hot high school safety. (Bet he chose the Bentley.)

7. Never Gonna Give You Up, Rick Astley. Astley, the meme-osphere's favorite songsmith and ginger par excellence, can ride that firecrotch of his all the way to the echelon of his similarly hued Irish brethren. So this one was a no-brainer!


8. We Will Rock You, Queen. I went to a sporting event with my dad, once, and I think they played this song. Or was it that one where you say "Hey" during the chorus? Or that one about hanging out with all the boys? Now I'm confused.

9. Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson.No real reason to put this one on here — no real reason not to, either.


10. Sweet Georgia Brown. The Harlem Globetrotters are America. And they play sports. The Harlem Globetrotters are both sports and America. And so is Notre Dame.

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