Last night’s offensively-, technologically-, and spermatozoaically-deficient 19-inning Red Sox-Yankees game officially clocked in at 6:49, but in reality the broadcast with festivities, anthems, et cetera lasted around seven hours. For viewers, though, the slogging despair of watching the longest Red Sox game in history (and second-longest for the Yankees) was akin to watching paint dry in slow motion. MLB Network broadcaster Bob Costas began openly pleading for Death’s arrival around the 12th inning, and when deprived such liberty began torturing listeners with his renditions of Steven Wright jokes and even the factoid from his Snapple bottle cap.
Here is a list of things that took longer to complete than last night’s Red Sox-Yankees game, but felt, at the time, way shorter.
11. The Order: 1886 (~7:04)
10. True Detective (7:20)
9. Delta flight 74 (Atlanta-Amsterdam) while sitting in seat 46D with a broken TV (8:24)
8. The 12 Hours of Sebring (12:00)
7. ESPN’s college basketball tip-off marathon (28:30)
6. Watching the movie 48 Hrs. on repeat 30 times with no breaks (48:00)
5. Bush v. Gore  (79:46)
4. My high school romance at theatre camp when I was 15 (~104:00)
3. The Spaghetti House Siege (137:17)
2. 500 Days of Kristin (12,000 hours [proj.])
1. The St. Burchardi performance of John Cage’s “Organ²/ASLSP(As SLow aS Possible)” (5,597,640 hours)