Dwight. Dwight, are you awake? Pick up, man. Dwight, man, I shouldn't be calling you. My buddy says it's too late to be calling anyone, but I just had to tell you. I..love you, Dwight. You're one of my best friends. You know that? I never told anyone that, but you are like the greatest guy.

[sound of glass breaking]

Oh man, Dwight, why do they make wine glasses so slippery? Someone should make a wine glass with a rubber grip. Oh man, Dwight! You and I should make it! We'll get rich. Let me call up the patent office now.

[sound of dialing]

Hello? Nevermind. Listen, here's why I called. I love you man, and I just needed to know that you know. Do you understand? You can't understand how much I love you and we all love you and we need you. Me and Otis and Stan, we don't want you to go anywhere. We suck without you. Everyone knows. We've got nothing else. Orlando is a terrible place, and we've got the Amway thing, but who the fuck cares, every arena looks the same on the inside. We've literally got nothing without you. You can't go. LA doesn't love you. They won't treat you right like you deserve. They won't—

[sound of sobbing]

I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so, so sorry. It's just that...Dwight, I don't know if I've ever told you this before, but I love you. I can't go on without you. You can't go. Please don't go. Is it me? What can I do? I'll buy you that Call of Duty game you wanted. I'll let you drive the Range Rover. You want to play point for a game? We can make this work. Just tell me what I have to do!

[sound of voicemail hanging up after going over allotted message time]


[sound of sobbing]

[more sobbing]

[more sobbing]

[BHSN, via SBNation]

UPDATE: Orlando Reporter Asks Resigning Magic CEO If He Really Said That Thing I Made Up