Listen, this whole idea is ludicrous, BUUUUUT just hear me out …
It’s an idea that’s been pretty universally blasted on social media, but that shouldn’t stop us from having a little fun with it. So let’s! After all, any opportunity to re-site the Dodgers in Brooklyn is worth conjuring up 14 other crazy ideas to justify it. I’d also like to give a huge nod to author and Newsday editorial board member Mark Chiusano who called this Gov. Cuomo pipedream a day before it happened.
And so, I present to you the Deadspin All-New York State MLB. Straight from Cuomo’s loud mouth, via my keyboard, onto your screen. There are 12 major and minor league parks in the state and each of them is going to host two home teams. Then we will have, ahem, a few wild cards. It’s a dream come true that absolutely no one asked for. Aka, my jam.
Here we go — let’s start with the obvious:
Foldable Camping Cot
Adjustable and portable
Set the backrest to any position to fit your needs so you can relax out under the sun this summer.
Yankees and Cubs
Mets and Red Sox
Our two home teams get the perk of their own park and we pair them with the biggest national fanbases from the opposing leagues. Not that they NEED a bigger capacity, since, you know, no non-cardboard fans will be in attendance, but popularity comes with benefits. Now let’s go nuts.
Brooklyn’s MCU Park
Dodgers and Padres
The demonity of the Dodgers’ exodus from Brooklyn after the 1957 season is finally exorcised. Who could not love this move? Get an egg cream, ride the coaster, and go see the Dem Bums just like they did in yesteryear. Since this is probably our closest park to a beach, I also dumped the Pods there, since the whole SoCal mood is very beachy, dude.
Robertson Field at Satow Stadium (aka Columbia U’s park up in Inwood):
Giants and Pirates
This works on two levels: It returns the Giants to upper Manhattan (having played at the Polo Grounds for decades) and plucks two teams with waterside home stadiums and drops them into a similarly-situated park. The outfield fence abuts the Spuyten-Duyvil Creek, meaning we could see a monstrous homer splash down just like in San Fran and Pittsburgh.
Staten Island’s Richmond County Bank Ballpark
Mariners and Orioles
Another waterside park, though it would take a Roy Hobbsian blast to be sure, so we will house two “water city” teams here, in the Mariners and O’s. Puget Sound and the Inner Harbor are definitely the backdrops of those towns, so hopefully fans watching on TV feel sorta, kinda at home.
Buffalo’s Sahlen Field
Blue Jays and Indians
Hey we get to be right once! The Jays are already set to make their debut here, assuming baseball lasts long enough for this article to post. And since Buffalo is basically a 193-mile-away suburb of Cleveland (just a joke, geeeeez!) that’s an easy call, so fans can at least be within spitting distance of their squad. But please no one spit right now, k thanks.
Rochester’s Frontier Field
Twins and Brewers
We now veer into sitting teams where their minor league affiliates are anyway. It’s like a reverse, “See them before they become stars!” So the Twins go “home” to Rochester, and since Genesee Brewery (makers of the delicious Genny Cream Ale) is right across the river, the Brew Crew seems appropriate.
Auburn’s Leo Pinckney Field at Falcon Park
Nationals and Reds
The Nats are the true home team here with their Penn League squad the Doubledays here. And since their mascot is Abner Doubleday and looks kinda like what Mr. Red would look like if he had a people head and not a baseball head, they get to join Washington here. Yes, that really is all it takes in an endeavor like this to make such a call. I do it so you don’t have to.
Binghamton’s NYSEG Stadium
Cardinals and Rockies
Syracuse’s NBT Stadium
White Sox and Tigers
We’re playing the next two pairings geographically, moving teams in the middle of the country to the middle of the Empire State. The Tigers are merely stuck here because they have orange as one of their colors, and that’s a nod to The ‘Cuse, the university in town.
Hudson Valley’s Dutchess Stadium
Phillies and Braves
Fun Fact: This park is actually closer to Citi Field than Citizens Bank Park in Philly. So we keep both Mets rivals within eyeshot by lumping Atlanta in here. Another fun fact: Sun Trust Park is so far out of Atlanta this also seems appropriate placement for them.
Tri-City’s Joseph L. Bruno Stadium
Astros and Diamondbacks
It is certainly a weird flex to have a park named after a politician who was once convicted on corruption charges and I’m sure team owners were overjoyed when that got overturned on appeal. Name aside, the ’Stros are here because their Penn League affiliate ValleyCats are the home squad, but if any team plays in a stadium named after a cheat it must be the Astros. The D-Backs playing here is a reach: capital area city stadium (Troy, just across river from Albany) gets capital city (Phoenix, Arizona) team. Don’t worry, some funny ones are coming up — you’ve made it this far.
The Bush Leagues
Batavia’s Dwyer Stadium
[nearly lifelong New Yorker asks self] Where the hell is Batavia?
[looks at a map]
45 minutes outside Buffalo?! In the middle of nowhere, completely isolated from humanity?
Perfect, stick the three remaining active Marlins there. They have to walk up from Philly though — no cars, buses or planes for them. Get moving, guys. Masks on.
Central Islip’s Bethpage Ballpark
A’s, Angels and Rangers
Well, you see, I ran out of actual minor league parks and had to get creative. And I also needed to look up which teams I neglected to give a home to yet, and the poor A’s, Angels and Rangers were looking at me like, “Hello?! 👋” So … congratulations Strong Island: you get … all of them. Of note, Suffolk County Exec Steve Bellone tweeted out the welcome mat to MLB after Cuomo’s schtick.
West New York, N.J.’s Miller Stadium
You laugh, but this is an actual park that exists and in one form or another once hosted Babe Ruth. So don’t you tell me I didn’t dig deep for this effort! And why the Royals? Well, they play in Kansas City, which is not in Kansas but Missouri, so they are being forced to play in a city named for a state that it is not in — hence, West New York, New Jersey. Our one out-of-state team in this ridiculous thing that somehow is still going on. With just one more entry to go. And no more parks.
Any random hangar at LaGuardia Airport
Have you ever been to Tropicana Field in Tampa? No? Trust me, the Rays should feel right at home here.