A Panicky Column About The Scandalous Thing Serena Williams Just Did

Serena Williams did a scandalous thing recently. That she did something scandalous is no surprise; that she did something this scandalous is truly shocking.

Are you shocked yet? Take a look at the scandalous photo at the top of the page, and then decide for yourself if this is the most scandalous thing that the scandal-ridden celebrity tennis player has ever done. But don't admire the scandalous photo because that is like admiring the scandalous thing that she did, which we certainly can't do because if you do, then it is giving credit to scandal, which definitely is not what we're in the business of doing and which is definitely going to ruin America's chances of ever winning a tennis match ever again.

Serena's latest scandal is drawing more scrutiny than ever before, possibly because with it, she may have crossed a line that is different and probably worse than the last line that I decided she had crossed, and also different from that other time I decided that she had crossed multiple lines. Sometimes I think that Serena has crossed so many lines, there can't be any more lines to cross, and yet she always finds a way to cross a new line with a new line-crossing scandal.

Look at the photo. Did she cross the line? Decide for yourself. (She did.)

But also, don't look at the photo, please, because that gives Serena attention for doing something as outrageous and scandalous as the thing that she did. So, stop looking at the photo. Instead, let's concentrate on what she could have been doing instead of taking that photo that you should not be looking at right now. Here are some ideas: She could have been practicing groundstrokes in a classic clean white polo shirt and a pleated white skirt of appropriate length and she could have been wearing American-made K-Swiss shoes. She could have been giving baby-sized tennis rackets made in America to American babies. She could have been writing John McEnroe thank-you letters for spearheading the Great American Tennis Crusade and for spending every hour of his time not spent announcing American tennis matches to training American 12-year-olds how to get topspin on their forehands.

Instead, she went and did something scandalous, again, and now America will never win another tennis match again, because Serena Williams did another scandalous thing that we had to look at and talk about while being careful not to further scandalize her scandal. What a bother, and what a shame. The only relief here is that I am pretty sure that are no more lines to for her to cross, until the next time that she crosses a line, in which case I will re-evaluate the statement that I just made.

Serena Williams' controversial Twitter picture: Was it over the line? [Yahoo!] Serena Williams' Message: Peep at me, but Don't Stalk me? Here's Reckless Twitter Pic, in Bra and Panties, she took down after Half Day [Greg Couch On Tennis]