This is BALLS DEEP With Drew Magary (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100 percent all-new material, is available here.
You can email him here.
It's been graduation time all across the country lately, which means that star-fucking class chairs from every college around have invited whatever famous people they can throw $30,000 at to come on in and give some bullshit commencement speech in 12,000-degree heat. I graduated from college once. Our speaker was Supreme Court Justice Stephen BreyjesuschristI'mboredjusttypinghisname.
I'm sure the guy was accomplished and had lots of valuable advice. But it was fucking hot out, and I was hung over, and all I wanted was for the roll call to begin so that I could get the fuck outta dodge. Because the fucking roll call takes long enough. Hey, people whose last names begin with A: Go die in a fire. There are WAYYYY too many of you. I'm surprised all the Z students didn't die of heat stroke. You got some nerve, Adam Aaronson, Amelia Aaaziz, and company.
I've found most graduation speeches unnecessarily lofty and annoying. Particularly the ones given by the class valedictorian ("Look at us! Wasn't it just yesterday that we were nervous young freshmen walking through the quad?! GO US!"). Speakers tell you to seize the day. They tell you that the world is full of challenges but, by gar, you've got the potential to face them head on! They tell you to help your fellow man. They quote that goddamn Kurt Vonnegut sunscreen speech that Kurt Vonnegut didn't write. They tell you that you represent all our brightest hopes and dreams. It's like an Obama speech, only far less convincing.
All of this shit is useless. If you're a member of the Class of '08, you're gonna need basic, realistic advice about just what the fuck is waiting out there for you. And no one is more qualified to give out the hard, hot, throbbing truth than a privileged white guy like me, who has barely worked a day in his life.
You think you're gonna make a difference? You got some nerve, asshole. You're just part of another class going through the same routine as the class before you. You're no different. You're just as full of douchebags and shitheads as any other class. In fact, given the rising popularity of lacrosse, your class is probably even worse. The rest of us eventually had our dreams crushed by the cruel realties of the world. I see no reason not to burst your bubble right here and now. Heed these words, then fall in line like the rest of us.
Quit Nose-Greasing Your Beer It's disgusting. Stop that right now. Besides, rubbing your nose and then sticking your finger in a Solo cup barely gets the foam dissolving any faster. You're an adult now. Pour the foam out and top it off, goddammit.
Watch all the sports you can NOW. Hey, that Lakers-Celtics series looks pretty sweet doesn't it? Well, watch it while you can, you spring chickens. Soon, you'll have a job, and kids, and the idea of staying up past 10 o'clock on a weekday will be about as appealing as baby porn. Because the next day, the kid's up at 6, and if you've only got 5 hours of sleep, you're gonna want to down a tall glass of Liquid Cascade.
But you don't have to worry about that now, do you? No, you're so young and carefree! Why, you even watch the game, and then go out AFTERWARDS! You can just watch TV, and get drunk, and hook up with any number of random people any time you please. Oh, isn't your life just peachy keen, Polly Perfect? YOU LITTLE BASTARD. You take that tassle on your mortarboard and cram it right where your head is.
It ain't always gonna be that way, kiddo. Pretty soon, you're gonna have a mortgage, and a water bill. That's right. They actually charge you for fucking WATER. Can you fucking believe that shit? It's disgusting. Wanted to watch Game 4 tonight? Oops! Sorry, buddy! Looks like you have to prepare a PowerPoint deck for a 7 a.m. offsite the next day! No hot basketball action for you! You've got bullets to format! And changing the presentation template just fucked up all the slides. Why doesn't Microsoft make formatting easier? Because Microsoft is fucking EVIL, that's why.
Think about THAT shit when you're relaxing during the game tonight. Because pretty soon, there's gonna be a 20-year stretch where you can't watch SHIT. No sports, no first-run movies, no peep shows. NOTHING. I finally saw "Zodiac" the other week. It was awesome. Know who wants to discuss it with me by the water cooler? No one. Grrrrr.
What? You got a job already? You fucking idiot. The average child now leaves his parents' house at age 26 (46 if you blog). Why are you heading out the door so soon? Where you gotta be? Your parents could already afford American college, the most ludicrous expense on Planet Earth. Milk that fucking teat a little more. If you can't finagle a year backpacking in Europe when you get out of school, or a year "tutoring" 18-year-old ski bunnies at Breckenridge, or a year scooping ice cream in Hilton Head, YOU HAVE FUCKING FAILED LIFE.
Exploit your folks for all they're worth. Modern American parents always spoil their kids. They won't get mad at you. How can they get mad at their little wubbzy zubbzy? If anything, YOU can grow to resent them for all their help and not letting you grow up and be independent. It's a win-win.
Your first job will suck, and you will not work for a cool company. Hey, I heard Google feeds all their employees for free. And the DVD extras on "The Incredibles" tell me that working at Pixar is fucking awesome. They wear Hawaiian shirts to work! They have toys in their offices! And they all play air hockey tournaments together! Sweet! Well, guess who else wants to work at those places? EVERYONE. You won't be getting a job there.
No, it's paralegal work at some goddamn law firm for you. Oh, they'll promise you they're all about their employees. "You'll learn so much working for us!" Well, guess what? You won't learn shit, other than that the general counsel is nailing one of the summer associates and that file cabinets are shockingly heavy. You'll also learn that once they keep you past dinner, a kind of moral surrendering occurs, where you realize you're probably gonna be stuck at the office all night no matter what you do. So you just kick back, play a game of Scrabulous, and become resigned to your fate. Any time they let you out of work on time, you'll be fellating a margarita straw within seven minutes.
The older employees wherever you are will be the ones who get to do all the cool work. And they aren't eager to let you do any of it. You gotta wade through 5 to 10 years of complete and utter bullshit before you manage to start getting decent assignments. Only by then, you'll be so cynical and jaded that you'll take it all for granted. Welcome to your career, slapdick.
You're only allowed to join the Screen Actors Guild if you're already a member of the Screen Actors Guild. Same goes for any other labor union.
If you're writing a blog post, be sure to stick a picture of a hot chick at the top. Your hits will increase 400 percent. If men see a thumbnail of a hot click, much clicking to enlarge shall ensue. Because when you enlarge a picture of a girl, her boobs get bigger too. Nice.
Put a hot chick in your post, and no one will even notice whatever drivel you're writing. You can spout off whatever idiotic opinion you want. Women who use in vitro fertilization deserve to rot in Hell. See?
Do NOT go to law school. I've met dozens of lawyers in my life. Know how many of them liked being lawyers? None. Anyone who enjoys being a lawyer is sure to be a boring, emotionless bastard (See: Angelos, Peter). Hit up business school. It's only two years, and there's time for golf.
Live and work in New York for at least one year. You don't have to drive after drinking. It's nice. You'll also come to be both amazed and disgusted at how seemingly everyone in that town is swimming in money except for you. How the fuck can they all afford rent? Bastards. I hope they have troubled, ungrateful children.
Unless you work in the fashion industry, never wear a polo shirt with your company's emblem on it. I don't care if you got it for free. That shit will end your youth.
Never do your taxes by hand. The first time you do taxes, and you aren't using Turbotax or an accountant, you will cry. Nothing will make sense. You'll lose faith in your both your country and your ability to process information. You'll spend every April happily recreating the White House shot from "Independence Day" in your head. Ever wonder how conservative militia men got that way? Here you go.
The only pick-up line you should ever use at any time is "Hi, my name is (whatever your name is, likely Tyler or Taylor or something like that)." Any other kind of pick-up line is worthless and creepy. If you get laughed off simply for introducing yourself, then the person you're hitting on is a piece of shit. The kind of guy or girl who you'll want to hang out with will appreciate you putting yourself out there. Also, be sure to get the person you're hitting on drunk, so drunk she spends most of the night sitting at the bar with her head buried in her arms.
If everyone else is dancing, you should dance too. You look like a bigger fucking idiot NOT dancing than just going out there and making a fool of yourself. Standing around the floor watching other people dance is what Jersey steakheads do. You're only exempt from this rule if your name is Brady Quinn. Follow Jason Taylor's lead and DANCE, I tell you!
People are fucking idiots. Think you can change the world? Convince people to do the right thing? Of course you do. You just spent four years at college, around relatively smart, open-minded human beings, having civil theoretical arguments. The rest of the world is populated by morons like these. Think there's anything you can say to these people to get them to STOP being stupid? That's like telling Leitch to stop saying "Jeez" all the time. You stand no chance.
The fact is that, in this world, it's better to be self-centered. Look at Paris Hilton. She's a miserable, self-absorbed waste of life, and I hope she falls into a fucking vat of acid. But she's not starting any wars. Selfish people are too busy sticking their heads up their own asses to cause any real trouble. Know who starts wars? Assholes who believe in causes, assholes who are convinced everyone will come in line with their way of thinking. Like me. Don't you agree with everything I'm saying right now? Well, if you don't, I'll kick you in the cock.
People never uniformly see eye to eye, and they never will. If you simply look out for yourself and those closest to you, there's a good chance you aren't gonna turn into some prick who helps accelerate the end of the world. Because there's some shit out there that we have no control over. And the sooner you learn to accept it, the better. Keep to you and yours, mind your own business, say "please" and "thank you" to everyone, treat your family well, and don't go fucking the world up for everyone else. Don't be one of these people that goes starting some shit, like terrorists, or drunken Red Sox fans, or Maryland drivers. Those people are jackasses.
Also, if a girl playfully punches you during conversation, you can totally hit that shit.
I'm sure our commenters have plenty more real world advice for you. So take it in stride and quit being so goddamn inspired. Now get out there and be nobody.