Your morning roundup for June 16. Happy Comp-Lit-Major Christmas, everyone! Amazing photo via Getty Images.
What we watched: Relive the Vancouver Canucks' run to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals with this sensationally metaphorical video of a rioter attempting to run over a burning car and failing to do so after the hometown hockey team attempted to shoot pucks past a burning Tim Thomas but failed to do so. (Brian Hickey)
What we're watching: That's an excellent question. Hockey's done, basketball's done. What the hell do we watch? Shitshitshit. There's nothing on, for like, three months. And that's if football comes back.
Baseball? Yeah, no. Watching baseball in July and August is better than watching nothing, but not by much. The first two months of the season are fine, and then they play 100 more games. Call us in October. College World Series? That's just more baseball, poorly played. Tennis? Nope. Aren't there any Olympics this year, or at least a World Cup? No? The Gold Cup? No thank you. Football's never coming back, the NBA's going to have a lockout, and we're all going to be forced to watch cricket and women's professional soccer and freestyle canoeing in order to distract us from our miserable existences, so we might as well kill ourselves now before we have to endure another summer with not a damn thing worth watching.
Deep breaths. We might be exaggerating matters somewhat. Baseball actually starts to get bearable again in mid-September.
Fuuuuck. (Barry Petchesky)
Tommy from Quinzee checks in: "We nevah thawt we'd see this day. A dahhhk cloud hung ovah us fahhh 39 yeee-ahs. And today, that cloud is finally gawn. The Curse is no longah with us! I feel like I could rape a THOUSAND dahhkie whore-ahs! This one is fah Cam Neely. This one is fah Ray fackin' Bahhhk. This one is fah… Well, I don't remember any othah Bruins BUT THAT WAS BECAWSE I WAS SO TRAWMATIZED! THIS IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH AMERICAH BECAWSE IT IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH BAWSTON! RED SOX IN FIRST PLACE! EAT SHIT AND DIE, LUAWGO! YOU WERE-AH OW-AHH FRENCH JETAH!" [KSK]
Dan Shaughnessy checks in: "They won it for every New England mom and dad who ever woke up to drive kids to the rink at 6 a.m., and drank hot chocolate while they waited in the cold. They won it for the Revere girls with the big hair and O'Reilly sweaters; for the shot-and-beer guys who pour every dollar of expendable income into the hockey budget. They won it to avenge losing Bobby Orr to Chicago, too many men on the ice in Montreal, free agents never signed, trades that went bad, unspeakable injuries, and Game 7 disappointments. They won it for you." [Boston Globe]
Can't forget Bob Ryan: "He was never the Golden Boy. You kidding? He didn't start a game in the NHL until he was 28 and he didn't become anyone's regular goalie until he was 31. Until very recently, he would have been recognized on the street in Finland more readily than in downtown Boston. Go back further. His parents hocked their wedding rings at one point to raise money in support of young Timmy's career... The Thomases even moved from Flint, Mich., to Detroit to aid his quest, with Tim selling apples door-to-door to make some money. So now here's the question: Will we spawn a new worldwide generation of flopping, diving, sprawling, swatting, generally pro-active goaltenders now that 37-year-old Tim Thomas has carried the Boston Bruins to a Stanley Cup championship?" [Boston Globe]
Cuuubes: Via FoodCourtLunch
Ow-ahh fanbase exegesis is bettah than yow-ahhs: "The Red Sox had 86 years of suffering. The Patriots were routinely a punching bag, and they were humiliated in the Super Bowl by the Bears. That legacy of misery allowed fans to assert, 'We deserve this. We deserve to crow.' And doubtless they did, for a while. But continued success and expansion of this attitude of both deserving trophies and being Deserving Fans has created a bizarre hybrid of beatified ugliness. Yankee fans don't bother with this; they're going to show up and humiliate you. Apologizing for it only suggests that you deserve an apology. Red Sox fans try to split the difference between being owed the credit for their suffering and being able to create your own: when they push the other guy around, the act is somehow noble." [Mr. Destructo]
We are all Dave McKenna CXXXII: Here's your daily link to Dave McKenna's brilliant "Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which we'll be posting until the death comet hits Dan Snyder's house. Today's essential reading: ESPN The Periodical ranked the Redskins 121st out of 122 North American pro franchises according to "how much [the franchises] give back to fans for the time, money and emotion they invest in them."
[D.C. Sports Bog]
Jose Reyes and the meaning of life: "And I can sit here now regretting that my brother never got to see this, knowing how much he would have loved it. But that's useless. Besides, I carry with me my brother's love of baseball. I carry him every day, and it's not traumatic; it's awesome. He exists now as an inextricable part of me, a part I can celebrate.
We are alive and we get to enjoy Jose Reyes playing baseball. It beats the alternative." [Tedquarters]
Your freestyle canoe interlude, silent edition:
Clay Travis's new website is going to be the Grantland of SEC football: "I'll be doing what I've done, writing about everything and nothing. But to be clear, we want to own college sports. Absolutely own it. In particular, college football. We won't just be covering games from the couch, either. The new site will be credentialed for big games. Will we always be able to afford to go out of town initially?" [Claynation, Outkick The Coverage]
Jose Bautista reads book explaining Jose Bautista: "In his free time, Bautista reads books on exceptionality. 'I'm trying to understand why mediocre people become good at what they do,' he says, 'and why good people become the best.' So he mixes other players' post-career musings on success with real mental protein. He's gotten into Malcolm Gladwell. He recently finished 'Outliers.'" [ThePostGame]
Mr. Bettman goes to K Street: "Since 2003, the NHL has typically spent between $30,000 and $60,000 per year on federal lobbying efforts, with the significant exception of 2005, when the league spent $220,000, hiring Quinn Gillespie & Associates for $180,000, an analysis by the Center for Responsive Politics indicates." [Open Secrets]
Think nice thoughts for Danny Wuerffel: "Former Florida Heisman Trophy winner Danny Wuerffel was released from a hospital Wednesday after being treated for Guillain-Barre Syndrome. … Although the nerve disease is potentially fatal, it is treatable if caught early. In a prayer request sent out by Wuerffel this week, he said he was in good spirits." [Gainesville Sun]