Actually, Here Is A Good Ranking Of The Fruits

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Many internet web sites like to rank the fruits. You can see right away that these rankings are wrong and bad, both because their results are stupid, and for the reason those results are stupid, which is that they were assembled using a lousy-ass amateurish methodology. Amateur bush-league-ass fruit-rankers are wronger than hell, basically.

Here at Deadspin, we have avoided the pitfalls inherent to ranking the fruits according to the bad fruit opinions of one rando dingus. We've deployed science to create a correct ranking of fruits, based on the collected and analyzed fruit judgments of many rando dinguses. It's a sophisticated polling methodology, but in layperson's terms, we created a "spreadsheet" with "a bunch" of fruits "listed" on it, and then everybody "assigned" a "numerical value" between 1 and 10 to each "entry" on the "list," and we used the "spreadsheet's" built-in "math" "function" to "calculate" the "average" "score" of each fruit.


We didn't include things that are fruit in the, like, horticultural or botanical sense or whatever, but that tend not to be eaten in a fruit-like manner (tomato, avocado, coconut, peppers, etc.). And we didn't include obscure-ass bullshit like horned melons and so forth, because there's only so much time in the day for fruit-ranking and those things weren't gonna win anyway.

But enough of that shit. Here, below, are the correct fruit rankings.

The Correct Fruit Rankings

1. Pineapple (9.423)

2. Strawberry (7.7)

3. Peach (7.596)

4. Watermelon (7.55)

5. Lemon (7.077)

T-6. Lime (6.942)

T-6. Clementine (6.942)

8. Navel orange (6.938)

9. Banana (6.923)

10. Blueberry (6.8)

11. Blackberry (6.785)

12. Raspberry (6.677)

13. Concord grape (6.577)

14. Cherry (6.385)

15. Green grape (6.153846154)

16. Mango (5.923)

17. Red grapefruit (5.838)

18. Tangerine (5.8)

19. Pear (5.769)

20. Nectarine (5.677)

21. Canteloupe/muskmelon (5.477)

22. Green apple (5.25)

23. Apricot (5.154)

24. Plum (4.858)

25. Gala apple (4.569)

26. Honeycrisp apple (4.481)

T-27. Guava (4.365)

T-27. Regular-ass grapefruit (4.365)

29. Pomegranate (4.154)

30. McIntosh apple (4.038)

31. Honeydew melon (3.888)

32. Red delicious apple (3.077)

33. Yellow apple (3.038)

34. Being hit by a car

35. Kiwi (2.12)

Image by Sam Woolley, photo via Getty