Happy PRIME Day! As part of our coverage here at Deadspin, I thought I’d do a little product testing for you, specifically Logan (Jake?) Paul’s controversial energy nectar that’s alleged to have enough caffeine to put a Clydesdale in the hospital. (The Pauls are sports figures, so this counts as sports content for any of you who are looking for a connection or the reason I’m writing this.)
Right now, a case of Prime Energy Drink “Tropical Punch” is retailing for $29.99 as a part of Amazon’s Prime Day, and I could not think of a worse way to waste your hard-earned cash than buying 24-cans of this detestable substance.
The PRIME Hydration Ice Pop drink tastes like a Bomb Pop that melted on the coffee table of a frat and was then funneled, along with the residue of not fully ingested drugs, into the red, white, and blue bottle. The tepid liquid made my jaw clench after chugging the entire portion, which I assume is the only way an adult can get through all 20 oz. of the (I’m assuming) cancer-causing agent. I wouldn’t let a child, or combustible chemicals, within 300 feet of an open container.
Of course, this product was created and promoted by the face (faces?) of ADHD. Slam 15 of those and you can punch a hole through any washed-up UFC fighter or toilet. My insides are reacting like I just injected simple syrup directly into my stomach lining, and I can’t stop grinding my teeth.
I’ve never done cocaine, but my molars are about to be down to mere nubs if the sugar doesn’t first strip them of all enamel and fillings. The bottle says no caffeine, yet my digestive tract is begging to pass something — whether that’s my small intestines, or the granola bar I had for breakfast, is anybody’s diagnosis.
The FDA should save itself some time and money, because if there’s no caffeine in PRIME then why do I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack? There’s alleged to be six Coca-Cola’s worth of caffeine in a single bottle of PRIME, and since I had a Diet Coke with lunch, I’m not going to be able to sleep for three days. And apparently, the Ice Pop isn’t even the one with all the caffeine.
I don’t know if I have a headache, or if my brain synapses are firing at a superhuman rate. I know for damn sure that my heart would like me to take a lap or 30. No wonder the youths are imbibing in PRIME with dangerous regularity. It’s like Surge before it was regulated, or Four Loko when you could still blackout after a can and a half.
I’m ready to run a 5K, start a YouTube channel, or have my stomach pumped. Happy PRIME Day!
*This story has been updated to reflect that the guinea pig drank the PRIME Ice Pop drink, which is not to be confused with the PRIME energy drink that the FDA is looking into.