My wife has a subscription to Parents magazine, and the fun thing about Parents magazine is that every issue is virtually identical. Whether you pick up the June 2008 issue or the March 2012 issue, you're still getting all the same shit, including items like "567 fun knitting crafts to help stave off boredom!" and "Make a time out mean it!" and "Why is your husband such a lazy sack of shit?" They have a winning formula, and they stick to it.
Anyway, I was on the shitter the other day looking through the June 2012 issue, and I got to the standard "What should you name your baby?" piece. The magazine surveyed 13,000 readers and asked them, "If you had a boy/girl, what would you name him/her?" Now, you and I both know that Americans of all stripes have grown progressively worse at naming children. It's not enough for your child to have a normal name and then try to stand out on their own merits down the road. No, no, no. Every parent now wants every child to be unique and special from the moment the doctor wipes all the amniotic fluid off of it, even though all babies look alike and contribute nothing to society.
There's a bizarre assumption that if you can make your child's name unique, the child will be unique. And that's NEVER the case. Chances are, if you name your kid Braxlee, he or she is gonna end up bent over the sink in the back of a TGI Friday's, offering tail in exchange for a better skim off the tip pool.
But people are stupid and happily ignore this fact. You would think that baby names have reached their apex of ludicrousness. But you would be wrong. Oh, dear reader, you would be so, so wrong. Americans are somehow getting even worse at naming children, and they show no signs of correcting themselves. You think that Jayden is the bottom of the barrel? My friend, I combed through this survey and found names that would confuse and terrify you. I can't even list them all here, because your brain would die. Instead, I've picked just a few representative choices, to show you the tip of the preppy white moron iceberg. BEHOLD:
• Blayde The extra Y in there makes it 10 percent sharper. And don't fuck with Blayde's brother, Nyfe.
• Draven Please note that if you name your baby Draven, you must dress him up like the Crow at all times.
• Izander "I'd like my son to sound like a shirt. Can you do that?"
• Jaydien That's right. JaydIen. Don't forget that I. That I is what sets young Jaydien apart from the mere Jaydens of the world. Now don't you people who named your kid Jayden feel behind the times? You bought the beta version of that name. It's like buying an iPad too early. Six years from now, the name will have morphed into Jayydizzosoian, and then you'll really feel like a sucker.
• Kierson Straight from the "Invented Irish name for Boston-area steakheads" file
• Sketch If you name your child Sketch, you should be arrested. At that point, you're just basically looking around the delivery room, coming up with nouns as names. "Oh, fuck it. Call him Monitor."
• Tulsa If you're gonna name your kid after a place, at least have the common courtesy to name him after a legitimate tourist destination. No one wants to hang out with a kid named Tulsa, or a kid named Kalamazoo. Ol' Kal. Always gettin' in trouble.
• Tyce Fuck you.
• Zaiden Of course Zaiden is here. It takes Jayden and throws a Z in front, which makes it SO STRONG. God, I just wanna slap a loincloth on little Zaiden and club dragons with him. Be on the lookout for Drayden, Fayden, Waiden, Strayden, and Klayden coming to your hood.
• Zebulon Classic hillbilly, with the bonus of sounding like a cartoon alien planet.
Those are the boys. For the girls... God, I'm so sorry for you, little princesses. Here is what your meth-addled mothers cooked up for you:
• Annyston Joined by brother Schwymmir
• Brook'Lynn The abuse of apostrophes in names has to end. A reasonable person should be able to know, by looking at a name, when one syllable ends and another begins. But no, dumbfucks all over the country have to be like "I'll name him Raw'Bert." You stop that. Give me some credit for being able to read even if you can't.
• Brylee Isn't this an ice cream brand? It should be an ice cream brand.
• Copelia It's a ballet about a mechanical love doll, only spelled wrong.
• Fallyn "I'd like my daughter to sound like a dystopian young adult novel, please."
• Harvest You know what people will Harvest from your daughter? Her V-card.
• Jerrika You know what comes next, right? You guessed it: ZERRIKA. You will meet a Zerrika one day, and then you won't know what to do with yourself.
• Julissa Classic hybrid name. It joins the likes of Emichelle, Eliza'Betty, and Jessikate.
• Luxx Why not add that third x and fulfill her destiny? That's what you want, right? You want little Luxx to grow up, move to the Valley and earn $60 a week getting jet spraykakke'd for a series of Brazzers short films, yes? There's no other reason to name your child Luxx.
• Sharpay This is a character from High School Musical. It's also a breed of dog. Why stop there? Name your child Dobyrman.
• Tybee Seriously, fuck you. Unless you want your kid to grow up to become a made-for-TV cooking product, piss off with Tybee.
• Yankee And... the final insult.
As I said before, this is merely a sampling. There are so many more horrible names on the list: Trust, Wellen, Kayson, Stormy, Mayson, Kayleen—it goes on and on and on. I wish I could tell you there's an end to this, that writing your local Congressman to draft laws preventing this kind of child abuse from happening would do the trick. But I can't. It won't. Our fate is sealed, not unlike that of poor Luxx. Luxxx. Luxxxx'Ann. God help us all.
Photo via Anatoliy Samara/Shutterstock