Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Illustration for article titled Americas Dumbest Student-Athlete Nominee: Eric, University of Wisconsin-Parkside

From a reader named Mark: This is an essay from a former University of Wisconsin-Parkside wrestler for an intro to writing class.


He was red-shirted at the time this was written, and he ended up getting kicked out of the class for the semester because it was so bad, which contributed to a tailspin that ended with him getting kicked out of school altogether before even wrestling an NCAA meet or non-open event.

The assignment was to compare a historical figure to someone in modern times. I’m sure the teacher was looking for papers that compared Rockefeller to Bill Gates as titans of industry, or something similar, but what Eric did was compare Ulysses S Grant to our friend Jimmy.


As you can see, he used Microsoft Word’s thesaurus heavily on this paper while trying to camouflage the ridiculousness in a sea of fancy words. All of the information in the paper is accurate-ish (they both really are/were drunks), but not exactly in the intent of the assignment.

Ulysses S Grant is and would be a hard man to compare to anyone, yet if anyone I know my friend James most closely relates to him better than any that I can ponder. To compare and contrast these two would be saying more than one can think, sometimes boggling the mind and putting oneself into a state of utter confusion.

As Grants love for horses began at a young age so did James’. James was said to have almost mastered horseman-ship by the age of 9. He is only surpassed by Grant, as James has never learned to break or train a horse because in this day and age the era of doing so has little but died. One might wonder what skill and time is taken doing so? The truth is that James had little outside life from his studies and horseman-ship, and spent most of his time reading such books as “The Art of War” and Anne frank’s diary.

Rumors said that Grant drank too much, as is said about James. Grant was said to have drinking binges, but there was little evidence of this. James was introduced to the dry martini at the very young age of 14. It’s sorry to say, but his mother’s love for antiques and late night TV only surpassed this drink. James would binge drink and make outrageous claims like he wrote the dictionary, but ever so slightly would slip out of theses so called binges to seemingly accomplish another great task.

You might hear rumors and speculations, on the fact that little to none of this information is valid about James, and he sounds more like a fictional character, but none can anticipate what one normal person can accomplish in a lifetime.

Again, I’m gonna give Eric the benefit of the doubt considering he obviously didn’t get a pass for this. In fact, I like his creativity. But please continue to send these in. Remember the goal, though: we’d like to showcase those athletes who do nothing but pollute the college education system in return for their contributions to their school’s sports teams. Read more about it here. Help us help you shame them. As you were.


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