Ancient Cheerleader Manual Reveals Secrets To Making Classmates Jealous

You have probably thought about being a cheerleader, but may think that you're right not for the job. Nonsense! If you can speak English, dress appropriately and pretend to like your school, anything is possible!

An archeologist at the Kansas City newspaper The Pitch, dug up this old book from 1983 that tells aspiring cheerleaders everything they need to know about how to join the pep squad and fight off the jealous stares of all your former friends you'll have to leave behind. Some helpful hints:

Don't assume that you must be dazzling ... If you don't believe this, take a look at the squad of cheerleaders in your school. You may find a few knockouts, but there most likely will be some boys and girls who are average kids....

"If you are heavy and have tried losing weight but are just one of those kids who is going to be big and beautiful no matter what, go ahead and try out for the squad.

Good to know! But it's not all splits and fist pumps:

"Cheerleading often makes you unpopular. For one thing, some kids are jealous of cheerleaders."

So true. But aren't cheerleaders supposed to be dumb?

In a way, a cheerleader must be smarter than the average high school student so that people won't think otherwise. 'Why do I have to do anything for these people?' you might (rightfully) ask. 'Who care what they think? They're just jealous.' While your instincts may be correct, you must keep in mind that some of these adversaries will be people you just may have to deal with. So do your best."

In other words, "Let the haters hate." You're more popular (or unpopular!) than they are anyway. Anything else?

You'll find that the younger male teachers may especially be willing to dress up like cheerleaders and appear in a silly skit for the good of the school."

Oh. I didn't realize it was that kind of book.

Everyone Is Just Jealous: Studies in Crap Brings it On With 1983's CHEERLEADING! [Kansas City Pitch]