And the nominees for this NBA season’s only-great-in-video-games teams are …

There’s a rage-inducing aspect of NBA 2K every year that makes me feel like I need to take those seminars to avoid turning into my dad. A few crazy-talented teams become fan favorites and get overused to the point of exhaustion due to sheer star power despite being middling to garbage in real life. It’s the antithesis of the crusty sportswriter rant about “This isn’t fantasy sports. You can’t just throw a bunch of all-stars on a team and expect a championship” — and I’m here for it.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been wiped by a Clippers team that only wins titles in Steve Ballmer’s dreams, yet is a bitch to play at full strength on PS4, but let me tell you, it’s fucking bullshit. And we have quite a few only-great-in-video-games candidates this year.

I think 2K is the reason young fans always think super teams will roll through the league. They’ve been constructing title winners with top-heavy rosters for years even though they’ve been playing on five-minute quarters with fatigue and injuries turned off.

If no one could get hurt and every game was 20 minutes, the NBA season would be more apt to follow a 2K-type script. It doesn’t, and thus we’re left with teams that are more successful as digital renderings than in reality.

So, may I present to you the NBA’s only-great-in-video-games nominees.

I want to start out by saying Kevin Durant is exempt from having to prove anything. Unlike Kyrie Irving, who pretends all he wants to do is hoop, all KD actually wants to do is hoop. That said, Irving and a very talkative Ben Simmons head up the OGIVG team. Irving showcases enough handles during the 15 to 20 jaw-dropping outings he has a season to keep his attributes up, and these kids love the handles stick so they stay enamored with him.

Trying to stay in front of digital Kyrie is almost as impossible as getting past pixelated Simmons. The thing about Ben is if someone else could control his body for four quarters, he’d be one of the best basketball players on the planet as he has the ball control and athleticism to windmill on all of your defenders, and even the most entry-level 2K player can hit freebies even with Simmons’ low FT rating.

If shooting 3s and avoiding mental breakdowns, injuries, and vaccination requirements were accomplished with the push of a few buttons, Brooklyn would be the reigning champs.

We haven’t seen Kawhi Leonard in an NBA game for quite awhile, and yet the Clippers relentlessly pop up in the queue. I would love for L.A.’s other basketball franchise to win a title only because of how much I hate the Lakers. It’s got to eat away at Ballmer that Leonard and Paul George’s tenures keep failing to pan out in person while his Xbox simulations have predicted multiple titles during this timeframe.

How many controllers do you think Steve has shattered? It’s got to be in the hundreds. And here we are again, giving the Clips the benefit of the doubt. They have the third-best title odds behind last year’s finalists at +700, and that’s egregious for a team that hasn’t made the finals as a group, and hasn’t made a conference finals with both of its best two players healthy.

Get rid of injuries, shut off the spigot of sulfuric acid that annually corrodes this organization’s hopes, and reset the brains of Los Angelenos and, sure, the Clippers will unseat the Lakers as L.A.’s team. Until then, the closest Ballmer is going to get to the city succumbing to Clipper-mania is in his VR chamber that no one wants to use after him — or ever.

Do you think Zion Williamson has made more dunks as a human, or as himself in NBA 2K? I have no idea how often pro athletes use their avatars in the games, but if the constant bitching about their ratings, or Williamson’s Mountain Dew ad, is any indication, it’s a lot.

Zion has more appearances on the cover of 2K than he has in playoff games. However, he came to camp in incredible shape after missing all of 2021-22 with a foot injury, and is ready to get back to being himself, which I guess is a guy who is constantly tweaking something.

He was taken out of the Pels’ game Wednesday night after rolling an ankle, and thankfully it was just precautionary. We all hope his durability steadily improves throughout his career. When in shape — and sometimes even when he’s not — Zion has shown a Bo Jackson-level athleticism that’s so amazing it’s hard to know where his ceiling is, but you hope his body allows him to find it. And like Bo in Tecmo Bowl, Williamson is just as much of a cheat code in 2K.

In a perfect world, New Orleans takes a leap like Memphis did last year, with NBA Twitter melting down at least twice a week over Zion, who is one of the few players who’s more impressive in real life than in the video game. You know, when he’s out there.

The thing with Philly is they look really good after you hit the reset button. The team’s overall rating is up there, they have an MVP candidate, and a former MVP, along with shooting and everything else you could want in a real or make-believe team. Maybe James Harden needs more video games in his life, so he can not only mentally visualize himself not needing the Heimlich in the playoffs, but also watch himself digitally avoid finding the nearest stadium food to lodge in his esophagus.

The Beard also showed up to the Sixers’ preseason free of love handles, and is telling anyone who asks how good he feels. Once an aging player starts telling you how his body feels, it’s hard to imagine them regaining a form we haven’t seen in at least a year.

It’s pretty unbelievable the 76ers jettisoned an all-star who has one breakdown in the postseason for a guy who’s made a postseason implosion an annual tradition. I understand that thought process, I merely think it needs to be put in that context.

Honestly, I feel bad for Joel Embiid, who finally removed himself from the OGIVG conversation after proving he can stay healthy long enough to seriously contend for the MVP. He also doesn’t let broken faces slow him down and plays through injury. You know the little indication that pops up mid-game and says, “So-and-so hurt himself, and risks further injury if he stays in. Do you want to leave him in?” Embiid is hitting “Yes” to leave himself in the game every time.

The Lakers could be halfway down the La Brea Tar Pits and 2K players would still select them 75 percent of the time. Shit, L.A. is still trying to find a way to pull itself out of it after last season and the 2K community doesn’t care. Russell Westbrook might be the guy closest to his character at this point in his career, and that says a lot about the game’s developers. To be frank, LeBron James and Anthony Davis’ overalls are still boosted by past performance, because what we’ve seen lately is not what I have to play against on the reg.

I’ve been getting dunked on by video game King James for nearly two decades now, and was over it when the rating was still accurate. I know LeBron averaged 30 points per game last year, and still looks thunderous enough on dunks to warrant being able to baptize a guy online. All I’m asking for is someone over at 2K to please put in a graphic of him and/or AD wincing in pain and limping off, and make it happen every three games regardless of game settings.

The funniest part of Westbrook lingering in L.A. is you know some obsessive Lakers fan has perfected Russ’ shooting motion, can hit corner 3s with him at an above-average clip, has even found a way to hide him on defense, and can still imagine a scenario where this big three works — but will know after five minutes of the Warriors game on opening night that this Laker team only wins championships in simulations.