And Now For A Minute Of Actual Sports

Roy Halladay is not a member of the Phillies ... yet. The Toronto Blue Jays' demands of executive bathroom privileges proved too steep for the Philadelphia bigwigs.

The Jays wanted J.A. Happ, Kyle Drabek, and Dominic Brown. The Phillies were all, "no way!" And the Jays were all, "way!" And the Phillies were all, "Nuh-uh!" And the Jays were all "Aww." I'm pretty sure those are standard trade operating procedures.

Is It Possible To Will A Trade Rumor Out Of Existence? There's some kind of information going around the the Detroit Tigers want to trade for Milton Bradley. I'm guessing it's part of the Tigers' new philosophy: "Trade for Farnsworth twice, shame on us, Trade for Farnsworth three times, shame on humanity."

Holy crap, the Tigers do not need another outfielder. Unless, of course, he's secretly a fantastic setup man. And perhaps the rumor is just a load of fertilizer, as the Tribune says there've been no talks between the teams. Phew.

The Mets Are More Than Willing To Part With Victor Zambrano For Him. Scott Kazmir might go to the Angels, who are looking for some kind of starting pitcher. They might also try to lure in Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay.

Actually, everyone wants Roy Halladay. I want Roy Halladay on my baseball team, which I am starting right now. I'd like 25 All-Stars, public funding for a stadium, and some kind of cool logo, please.

There. Baseball news. We now return you to your regularly scheduled weekend hijinks involving references to Crystalis and Gauntlet.