Angry Interplanetary Ice Bear Will Destroy Anchorage, Bring Back Hockey

Dashiell Bennett|published: Thu 1st October, 14:05 2009

Yes, it's dated and it's college hockey, but can you honestly think of a better way to kick off the NHL season than watching a rampaging polar bear from outer space destroy a mid-sized American city? Didn't think so.

Seriously, this bear is fucking pissed. Wouldn't you be if you were the mascot for an obscure college hockey team in Fairbanks and then got banished to the stars? I would certainly want to smash some shit up, starting with that small moon over there. Do not fuck with the Nanook Space Bear.

Anyway, now that you're appropriately fired up—I SAID "FIRE UP," ASSHOLES—let's watch some hockey!

Oh. Well, now that we've got the Versus bashing out of the way, let's really watch some hockey! Tonight we have four games kicking off the regular season, also known as the six-month waiting period before the Penguins vs. Red Wings Stanley Cup Final. I guess there's a chance that won't happen again—Caps? Blackhawks? Anyone?—but let's just operate under that assumption for now. We're a long away from that eventuality and offseason transactions in any sport put me to sleep, so just be glad that real games are back. And smutty commercials like this:

By the way, after the half-naked girls skated circles around Laraque, he punched one of them in the face. I'm sure she deserved it.

We'll leave the in-depth previews to the real experts, but remember—if you're at a game this week and a giant bear rips the roof off the arena, don't panic. Just let him play left wing and get out of his way.

Schedule for October 1, 2009 [NHL.com] The 11 burning questions puckheads are asking this season [Puck Daddy] The Cup is up for grabs again and, this time, anything's possible [ESPN] Season Previews [Melt Your Face Off] Listen: KB's NHL Season Preview Extravaganza! [Orland Kurtenblog] Conference Haiku Previews [The Two-Line Pass] They Shoot Better Commercials In Quebec, Don't They? [The Score]