Anti-boinking measures at Olympics officially surpass gold medal-level stupidity

You can make their beds collapse and tell them to take their condoms home with them, but guess what... ?

Spoiler alert: These aren’t going back to home countries.
Spoiler alert: These aren’t going back to home countries.
Image: Shutterstock

Sex in the Olympic Village is a talking point at every Games, as if somehow it’s surprising that a bunch of young, hot, athletic people from all over the world have a habit of getting it on with members of the tiny subset of people who they can connect with over their very interesting and unique experience of making it to the Olympics.

Advertisement

If anything, it’s stunning that there hasn’t been an Olympic Village reality show yet. Maybe when MTV’s The Challenge becomes an Olympic sport?

The organizers of the Tokyo Games have a challenge on their hands, because they’re trying to somehow pull off the illusion of a safe, socially-distanced, non-disease spreading Olympic experience. So: No nookie, please.

The geniuses trying to cram an Olympics into a pandemic are now touting “anti-sex beds” for the Olympic Village that collapse under too much weight, while also distributing condoms to athletes, “to help with awareness by taking them back to their own countries.”

You can just imagine the athletes in the Olympic Village now, can’t you?

“Hello, fellow Olympic athlete. I think you’re very attractive.”

“Delightful, you are also attractive to me, and here we are establishing a connection that is both physical and based on our common bond as Olympians.”

Advertisement

“Would you like to have some of that Olympic Village sex that everyone talks about?”

“Sure do!”

“Wait, we can’t. The bed will break.”

“That’s right. Also, these condoms are supposed to go back with us to our home countries, to raise awareness. It would be wrong of us to use one for sex here.”

Advertisement

“Yeah, and we definitely can’t have sex without a bed.”

“Oh well, it was a good idea.”

“Yeah, see you in four years, maybe!”

No, they’re going to fuck.