Ass Team Of The Week: Eli Manning And The New York Giants Will Break You

The New York Giants have transformed into a tremendous keister this season, the size and proportions of which have been amply documented on this very website. If you’re a regular reader you already know what the deal is: Eli Manning is old and shitty now and the offensive line can’t protect him and as a result the team is really bad. But sometimes it is difficult to truly know a thing until you see it. Are you ready to see?


The Giants lost to Washington 20-13 on Sunday, and it’s true that the score by itself does not leap off the page and declare the Giants to be absolute booty. Nor does the fact that New York gained 303 total yards and tallied 18 first downs. Hell, even Manning’s stats—30-of-47, 316 yards, one touchdown, and two interceptions—don’t appear especially shameful.

Here’s where things start to get distressing: Manning was sacked a grand total of seven times in the game, and each one told its own, sad story about the complete ruination of both his abilities and Giants’ season.

You know those videos on the internet that are designed to infuriate you? The ones featuring various acts of chaos that flaunt their asymmetry and mock the viewer’s innate desire for order? Footage of the Giants attempting to execute a pass play have the same effect.

There comes with these plays the sense that something is overwhelmingly, bewilderingly wrong happening in front of you, that the natural order of things has somehow been maimed and twisted in ways that cannot be fully understood. Some examples are worse than others.


This is effectively a video of someone slicing a cake just as badly as possible, but also and more literally it is the Giants giving up sacks strictly by virtue of their inability to block anyone. That is an unfortunate but recognizable football deficiency, and one that induces feelings of pity for the quarterback that winds up suffering the bodily trauma at the end of that failure. But plenty more sacks are the result of the line’s deficiencies combining forces with Manning’s slack-jawed quarterbacking style.


These are the sacks that really get their nails under your skin and send you reaching for nearest tearable item to take your frustration out on. These are the sacks that make you want to scream, “What is he doing? Why is he just standing there like that??” at the screen.


The true mark of a gluteal team is, in my opinion, its ability to produce what amounts to anti-football on the field. That distinction lies not just in their penchant for playing poorly and losing games, but in their insistence on doing so in such perplexing fashion that it drives all witnesses towards madness.


I imagine Giants fans inch closer to a state of incoherent raving every time they watch Manning shuffle and flinch for far too many seconds before eating a tackle and killing yet another drive.


I know they do, in fact, based on some of the increasingly deranged emails I got from one particular Giants fan throughout the weekend. These emails came with subject lines such as “THE O COACHING,” “Re: OFFENSIVE LINE IS POOR,” and “PROPER ACTION NOW.” They contained passages such as this:

The Washington Redskins game just ended. The announcers stated that if the GIANTS bring in another QB, he will still be at the mercy of the this terrible OFFENSIVE LINE. !!

something has to be done about the line NOW, and stop talking about the QB.

The SACKS that Washington GOT ARE a disgrace. FIX THE LINE NOW, stop talking about the QB.

There is NO PROTECTION. The offensive line is terrible. Last year they said Brady was washed up. Then he took them to the Superbowl. Giants offensive line stinks. Stop talking about the QB. Fix the offensive line !!


And this:

ELI just sacked on his 2 yd line!


It is not fair to these guys or us Fans,

For the Giants coaching and management to not fix the offensive line!

WHY isnt the Offensive line being talked about and looked at. See attached emails below!!


Here is a fan begging for clemency for his own tormenter. Eli Manning and the New York Giants are a threat to our very minds.