Your morning roundup for Sept. 10, a day when it's apparently illegal for wannabe vampires to bite homeless men outside the neighborhood Hooters. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.
What we're watching: There is so much on today that the words "sporting bukkake" come to mind. I don't use those words lightly. Because they shouldn't be used lightly.
But when it's possible to watch a soccer match at 9:55 a.m. eastern (Sunderland vs. Chelsea; ESPN2), the top four men's seeds in U.S. Open semifinals at noon (CBS), an Alabama/Penn State battle at 3:30 p.m. (ABC), a South Carolina/Georgia fourth quarter that will fill the hour until Notre Dame and Michigan take the field at the Big House (both ESPN), with a Vitali Klitschko fight starting at 10:30 p.m. (HBO), it's a potentially messy situation.
So why, then, won't I be able to stop watching Coastal Carolina Chanticleer coach David Bennett's press conference about cats and dogs? Because it's friggin' mesmerizing, that's why.
Apple MacBook Air Laptop
The M1 chip delivers 3.5x faster performance than the previous generation all while using way less power. Get up to 18 hours of battery life.
"This can be a springboard": It was 97 degrees in the fourth quarter at
White Sun Devil Stadium when Arizona State overcame a two-touchdown deficit and Missouri kicker Grant Ressel went wide right — after getting iced by his own coach — to send the game to overtime. Arizona State would win 37-30, thus validating the practice of white (and other) folks painting their faces black as part of an audience gimmick. Get it? [The Arizona Republic]
Little did they know that frozen burgers would be the pitcher's demise: "Saddened and frustrated by the injury. Big assumption me not coming back though @extrabaggs. Thank you fans for your prayers." [Jeremy Affeldt Tweet]
In New Zealand, sheep are also their psychics: "Sonny Wool is following in Paul the Octopus's footsteps and picked New Zealand to beat Tonga in the opening match of the Rugby World Cup by choosing between two containers of food, each marked with a flag of the teams playing. [Telegraph]
Your Roller Skate Dance Instructional Video Interlude:
Arrest in case of on-field assault that left Gaelic footballer comatose "Police confirmed that the ball was on the other side of the field when then incident took place. Patrick Power was seen standing over an unconscious Mark McGovern. Later, Power yelled a vulgar word at the fallen player and said, 'He won't get up from that.'" [Irish Central]
We are all Dave McKenna CCXVII: Here's your daily link to Dave McKenna's brilliant "The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which we'll be posting until Snyder's dumbass libel lawsuit is subject to a dramatic reenactment, via dance interpretation, by goths and nihilists.
Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future here, and Magary's The Postmortal here. Now do it.
Today's Soccer Viewing Recommendations (all times eastern):
Borussia Dortmund vs. Hertha Berlin (GolTV, 9:30 a.m.). Sunderland vs. Chelsea (ESPN2, 9:55 a.m.). Arsenal vs. Swansea (FSC, 10 a.m.) Villarreal vs. Sevilla (GolTV, noon). Real Madrid vs. Getafe (GolTV, 1:50 p.m.). Santos vs. Cruzeiro (GolTV, 5 p.m.)