Team, you may be wondering: What kind of coach is leading us? Why would she go radio silent for weeks on end? Well, I’m a firm believer in being quiet until it’s worth being heard, and this week it was time to whip out the bullhorn. Colton, former NFL player and founder of the Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation, is talking about being a virgin.
Two weeks ago, Colton got a one-on-one with Becca. He and Becca spent much of their date in Vegas in a hot tub in the desert talking about how they weren’t talking about his previous drama involving Tia, saying things like, “The focus of today’s date is just to have quality time with Becca, no distractions,” and, “I feel like we’ve left the whole Tia situation in the past.” They made out a lot, and Becca said a lot of things about how comfortable she was around him; i.e., how she felt his bod was hot and she wanted to touch it. Colton alluded to his alleged virginity by teasing that he hadn’t had a lot of relationships in the past. “I feel like we’re kind of on the same page,” Becca said. “I’m glad to hear that,” Colton said. Becca remarked for the thousandth time what good chemistry the two of them have. Note: This will all become, as the producers intended it, very important later.
During this conversation, Colton talked about how he’s only been in love once and the woman broke up with him, prompting speculation about whether he was talking about his famed girlfriend, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman. I wondered more about why Becca would say, “Knowing that Colton associates the word ‘pain’ with ‘love’ kills me.” The Colton-specific portion of the program ends with him saying to the camera, “I can confidently say I’m falling in love with Becca.”
Not much happened last week with Colton, former NFL player and founder of the Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation. Colton wanted to take Becca to a dog park during a strange mock debate in Richmond, Va. He and Becca had a sexy makeout in a tower (again, this will become, as the producers intended it, very important later). He earned a rose, and his fellow contestants were heartbroken.
Cut to: Yesterday, which was actually months ago. Six men remain, and the next episode will be hometown dates, which means the last four men will get the pleasure of having Becca meet their families. “I don’t know about you guys, but meeting the family is one of the bigger things in my life,” Colton, former NFL player and founder of the Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation, proclaimed. He then got the first of three one-on-ones in the episode.
Though the rest of the men were miffed, they were more than excited to discuss how Colton is a VIRGIN, and how Becca might react to such news that’s been teased since before this show was even airing. A man who’s a virgin? That’s even more interesting than a woman who is! None of the other men can see Colton with Becca, according to Blake. The rest of the men wondered whether Colton would bring up his VIRG secret. Uhh, yes?
You know our society understands male sexuality when a guy feels pressured to release a lengthy Notes app statement on whether or not he’s had penetrative intercourse with a member of the opposite sex.
Some men were kinder about the VIRG status than others. Garrett said he can understand that Becca “wouldn’t want to take that on,” like virginity is an incurable disease that requires extraordinary commitment. “It’s a huge thing,” said Wills, owner of the best shirts I’ve ever seen and the love of my life.
We love this, and we’re going to demonstrate that by cutting to clips of Becca talking about what a hot piece of meat Colton is as he struggles to reveal he’s never had sex, interspersed with clips of the two of them talking to a Bahamian man about diving for “conch” and what a strong aphrodisiac the conch’s “pistol” is, the producers said to themselves. “He can just pick me up and do whatever,” Becca adds, the unpopped cherry on top of their virgin piña colada.
This is when things, surprisingly enough, came back to the gridiron. When he finally told Becca he’s a VIRG, Colton revealed he spent a lot of time working on football but not a lot of time working on himself (his sex life). He also revealed that he lied about that stuff a lot while playing football because of locker-room culture. “To be different in the locker room is something I never wanted to be,” he said, though he clarifies that at 26, he’s not still holding off on sex. “I want you to know I’m not waiting for marriage, I’m waiting for the right heart.”
“I don’t want her to end this because I am falling in love with her,” Colton said to the camera. In the middle of his reveal, the camera made it look as though Becca couldn’t handle his VIRG status—which only a handful of people, not even including his dad, knew about before he said it on national TV.
The pressure was on, and everyone felt it, because remember, this is a world in which you’d maybe have sex once and then get engaged.
After the episode was cut to make it seem like Becca had to take a minute to collect herself before she told Colton whether she could handle his unpracticed penis, we learned that Colton will move on to the next round, where Becca excitedly will “meet the people who made Colton Underwood,” even after his alleged “dealbreaker” of a piece of news. “I feel excited and relieved. I was really worried it wasn’t going to go right,” Colton said, before his fellow contestant’s storyline was interrupted for the reality TV president’s second exciting suppression of human rights in just a few short weeks!
Becca was able to keep around the man she wanted to sleep with, while women all over the country now have even less of an opportunity to do so in the future. But all is not entirely well: In the preview for next week’s episode, Tia seems to reveal to Becca that she’s not comfortable with Colton sticking around.
God bless America, man.