Beckett And Boston Get ________ed

Justin Duchscherer was joking around before his start against the Boston Red Sox: ''I said, 'Those guys don't want none of me today 'cuz I'm going to pull a Lester on 'em,'' Duchscherer recalled with a grin. ''In the sixth inning, I was thinking, 'Did I really say that before the game?' '' Yes, Justin. Yes you did. And you almost got away with it, until the seventh inning, when the Red Sox realized you didn't have cancer, so they ruined your no-hitter. However, Boston's lone hit wasn't enough to score three runs, sadly, and Oakland went on to win 3-0.

That Seemed Excessive. In solidarity for their manager, who is now forced to speed things up and jog to the mound when talking with the pitcher, the Tigers decided to play three games in a nine-inning span, scoring enough runs to feed eight families. Their 19 runs were all scored by the fifth inning, at which point the starters began getting pulled, such as The Big Tilde, Magglio Ordoñez, who went 3-for-3 with two home runs and six RBI. Seriously, people. Tilde power is a clean, renewable source of energy, and it's just sitting there being unused in today's society.

Now He Doesn't Seem So Fire-able. Willie Randolph and the Mets won 9-2. Now they don't hate him so much. Or maybe they're just trying to keep it together now that they know Gary Carter wants his job. Mets outfielder Nick Evans went 3-for-4 with two doubles and two RBI in his big time debut, and Claudio Vargas won his first of the year.

That's One Way To Speed Up The Game. Steve Trachsel's starting. This is a perfect time to finish War and Peace, normally. But Tampa Bay had none of his time wasting, and he couldn't get out of the second inning, getting stung for nine runs and tossing up home runs balls in each of the first two innings, both courtesy of Evan Longoria, who finished with 6 RBI on the day. Tampa won 11-4.

Burma-Shave Poem Of The Day

THE M'S WERE BEATEN TWELVE TO SIX AND WILL BE BURIED NEATH YANKEE BRICKS Burma-Shave©