Bill Simmons Introduces Himself to HBO Viewers With Worst Bull Durham Speech Ever

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A year after his rude ouster from ESPN, you’re about to get a whole shitload of Bill Simmons back in your life, both at The Ringer (set to formally debut next month, although they’re already pumping out vital “Is Tom Hiddleston A Superstar?” takes on Facebook) and with his new HBO show, Any Given Wednesday, which also premieres in June.

Despite the fact that Simmons has, uh, limited camera appeal, HBO is touting his shit with a big spiffy promo that dropped this weekend. And this spot just goes to prove that people will inexplicably give Simmons anything he wants so long as he bitches loudly enough about how he wants it. Anyway, if you were unfamiliar with Simmons before, HBO is here to get you all caught up. Let’s break this puppy down:

I’m Bill Simmons and here is what I believe. I believe the defending NBA champs should wear championship belts to every game.

Okie dokie.

I believe that Kanye’s a genius. It’s just that he knows it, and that’s the problem.

Whoa hey, you’re saying Kanye West is arrogant? SHUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR. Finally, someone is calling out Kanye for being the Glory Boy that he is. It’s been a long time coming, people. Hopefully, Kanye will watch this show and learn a bit of humility. From Bill Simmons.

I believe we should ban the DH, long putters, extra points, the NIT, and pick-off throws.

That’s crazy. No other sports fan believes that. Guys … guys … lemme tell you something: I believe stadium beers cost too much. KABOOM SHAZAM I JUST CHANGED THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME ON YOU, BITCH.

You really wanna know what I believe?

Fuck yeah. Hit me.

I believe in the four-point line.


[extreme closeup on Simmons’ nascent jowls]

I believe soup is the perfect food.

Did you buy a hundred cans of it for your old lady and then return them?

I believe in a Belichick-Popovich presidential ticket.

Whoa, is this guy a Boston fan? I never knew that. Pretty revolutionary to make your sports loyalties public.

I believe every DiCaprio movie would be just a little better as a Matt Damon movie.

God, I didn’t miss this. I really didn’t. I want to drown this sentence in a goddamn sewer. People of Earth, let me enlighten you by throwing down my maven-like showbiz takes. For I believe that Ryan Reynolds would be an ELITE star if only he had Chris Evans’ calves. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Imagine assembling a whole writing staff and having THIS being the end product.

I believe the 2004 ALCS was an act of God.


And finally …


I believe that billionaires should pay for their own fucking football stadiums.

WHOA! He swore! Like with his mouth and everything. Wowie wowie. Do sports fans always curse like that? I bet Mister Skipper is SO mad about this. However will he contain this rebellious sports outlaw now?! My God, what if this show has DRINKING? They might even talk about BEWBS. This guy don’t care about NOTHIN’! He’s gonna wear a blazer and say bad words and make some bold new points, too! Most of us normal sports fans LOVE paying for stadiums. Can’t get enough of it. I feel dumb for not realizing that “don’t tax people for stadiums” was a potential opinion to hold until just now.

Anyway, now that I’ve seen this promo, I am fucking fired up because I’ve always preferred Simmonsisms to actual jokes. Only thing better would have been if they had gotten Matt Damon to host the thing.