Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•The Bills sent out this photo as part of the pitch to get fans to renew season tickets. It's them, pinned on their own 2-yard line, in a game they would lose to Cleveland, 6-3. Feel the excitement!
•Evgeni Malkin sat with a "foot injury" in a 5-2 loss to the Devils. Now they have 12 hours to come up with some fake injury for Sidney Crosby too, so neither of their stars will be subject to Bruin Justice.
•Cliff Lee was suspended five real games for throwing at Chris Snyder in a Spring Training game. Pending an appeal, Ryan Rowland-Smith and Ian Snell slide up to become the 2nd and 3rd starters for the opening series. And with that, the world realizes the vaunted 2010 Mariners pitching staff was really ever only two guys.
•As part of their free food promotion, the Blues are opening up the concession stands, and giving fans a free roll of Tums. It's their way of saying "giving you indigestion is better than your typical Blues game."
•Michael Jordan wins his first game as an NBA owner. Too bad, he had $20 Gs on the Thunder.
It's Thursday morning. Still alive out there? Good, because I hear there's some basketball on today.