Can Simone Biles Dunk?

First things first: Yes, we actually talk about the important sports things that are happening right now in this Deadcast. The World Series is happening and we address that; Dom Cosentino, who does not really care that much about the World Series, joined us for this one, and we talked to him about the NFL and the stupid sexy Patriots and the NFL’s strange recent flurry of trades n’ tank jobs. All great stuff, for sure, but I have honestly spent the hours since we recorded the podcast focused on the Funbag question that gives us our headline, and which has given me an hours-long headache. So:

By the time we got around to the Can Simone Biles Dunk question, Dom and Drew and I had been joined by King Victor Jeffreys II. And yet even this full stack of credentialed podcast doofuses could not reach a tenable consensus on this question. I managed to reveal some startling ignorance of basic gymnastics stuff in asserting that I believe Simone Biles, at four feet and eight inches in height, could indeed dunk the shit out of a basketball, and yet I stand by my (hedged) affirmative on that. I will not spoil anyone else’s answer, although I will say that I have now spent much time revisiting my own. I want to stand by it. I am not sure that I can, but know that still, at this moment, I cannot reject it.

What else, what else. The rest of the podcast is, in my biased estimation, pretty good. Dom knows the Patriots well enough to hate them at a level that even Drew and I can’t quite manage, and the discussion of whether they’ll cruise through through to another Super Bowl—I won’t spoil this for you, either, although I suspect I don’t have to—benefitted greatly as a result. A World Series that was supposed to be but thus far has not been a coronation of the Astros’ sublimely efficient front office has instead become a referendum on just how odious everything always has to be where that front office is concerned, and we covered that, too. None of that kept me up last night, or will keep me up tonight.

The question that will, and which will likely disturb my dreams until we have an answer, is in our headline. Simone, please, when you have the time—dunk a basketball so I can get these hours of uncertainty back in glorious gloating and awe.

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