Clay Buchholz Is Your Problem Now, Phillies Fans

In a move that is notable mostly because it will shut up Red Sox fans just a little bit, the Sox have traded embattled pitcher Clay Buchholz to the Phillies for Josh Tobias, a prospect you’ve never heard of.

This means very little in the baseball sense, but it is fantastic news for anyone who knows a Red Sox fan. These people somehow managed to surpass a 100-percent insufferable index every fifth day with Buchholz on the mound, groaning about the rat-faced man’s inability to record outs. Plus, I think “Buchholz” has to be up there for worst words said with a Boston accent. The competition for that, though, is literally every other word.

But, okay, their frustrations are not without merit. Sox fans may be annoying as hell about their displeasure, but honestly, who can blame them. Buchholz has been up and down as hell since throwing a no-hitter in his second career start in 2007. His seasonal stats have been a roller coaster, but his game-to-game stats have been wildly variable. One day he’s throwing a nice, breezy seven-inning start, the next start he’s pulled in the third inning. That’s the type of shit that has given Red Sox fans vertigo from the Clay Buchholz Experience.

Buchholz will probably add very little of note in Philadelphia, given that he’s for some reason joining a pretty good, young rotation. I mean, whatever. Buchholz has a year left on his contract and the Phillies will pay $13.5 million to fulfill his destiny as a memorable dirtbag playing in one of baseball’s finest dirtbag cities.