College Football Previews: #6 LSU

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Just one step away from the top 5 comes the mad genius that is Les Miles and his national champion Tigers. Today's preview is brought to you by Cajun Boy in the City. Included in his preview is a picture of an LSU girl that will make you want to cry and immediately move to Baton Rouge. Or at least give you pleasant dreams when you head home from the bar alone. In 331 A.D., The Seventh Day Adventist Church of Constantinople printed fifty bibles, in which some significant editing of the book of Genesis was done at the behest of the Emperor Constantine (massive bag of douche by the way), for he feared the usurpation of his power in the event of an uprising by the peasantry, which was sure to take place had they attained knowledge of the leader of men that God himself had made for the world. The following is what was edited out... At the end of the sixth day, saving his most important work for last, God created a man. This man wasn't like any other man, which God created in his likeness, no, this man was different. Different in that God formed him in the image of what he aspired to be. God equipped the man with a thick, elongated, and bulbous skull, a shape of cranium that would make him appear strikingly mongoloidish when adorned with any hat emblazoned with the letters L, S, and U, better for him to be underestimated by. Most importantly, this skull would serve to protect the precious cargo housed inside of it; a wee but efficient lump of mush built specifically to analyze and process complex gridiron data in mere nanoseconds, all the better to make snap judgments that often seem monumentally dipshit-y on the surface in their moments in time, but judgments that ultimately prevail gloriously each and every time they're made. Finally, God also gave this man a set of cyclopean nuts that would incite envy in any prehistoric hoofed mammal. God said, "Go forth and dominate the Gators of Gainesville, the Cocks of Carolina, and whatever abhorrent alliances shall attempt to rise up out of the anus of humanity that is Alabama." He then said, "His name shall be Leslie." God saw all that he had made, and behold, it was very good. It was evening and it was morning, the sixth day. He then cracked open an ice cold Abita Amber, and then proceeded to jerk off into golden chalice, a golden chalice with purple trim. Fast forward to 2008 where God and his masterpiece communicate regularly, via instant messenger, of course. They spoke this morning about the upcoming LSU football season. Here is a transcript of that conversation... ahardmanisgoodtofind69: You there homie? ahardmanisgoodtofind69: ???????????????? ahardmanisgoodtofind69: HEEELLLLLOOOO! fearthehat: Hey...yeah...I'm here. Sorry bout that. Had to take care of a nuisance outside Tiger Stadium.

fearthehat: So what's on your mind pops? ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Well, a lot of people down there are hittin' up the prayer line asking questions about your squad. People are worried Les, what with you kicking Ryan Perrilloux off the team and all. fearthehat: Fuck Perrilloux! His weed sucked anyway. ahardmanisgoodtofind69: But what are you gonna do at quarterback Les? fearthehat: Well we've got a transfer from Harvard named Andrew Hatch, he's one of them smart assholes, and a redshirt freshman named Jarrett Lee. ahardmanisgoodtofind69: But Les, aren't you worried? Neither one of those guys has been in any sort of intense situation on the D-1 level, much less ventured into The Swamp. fearthehat: Hell no I'm not worried old man. We've got so many studs on offense, shit, I could put Audrina from The Fucking Hills under center and it wouldn't make a lick of difference. ahardmanisgoodtofind69: You're right, you guys are certainly stacked. fearthehat: Damn straight we're stacked. In the backfield we've got Charles Scott, Keiland Williams, Richard Murphy, and Trindon Holliday. Any of those guys could rush for 1000 yards if they were stupid enough to go to some piss-pit like Ole Miss where they'd start right away. ahardmanisgoodtofind69: And you're pretty stacked at receiver too. You've got Brandon Lafell, Demetrius Byrd, Terrance Tolliver and Chris Mitchell. fearthehat: That's what I'm saying. And don't even get me started on the defense. We've got Ricky Jean-Francois coming back. Ricky. Jean. Francois. Can you even make up a better name for a LSU football player? FUCK NO! ahardmanisgoodtofind69: You have no weaknesses? fearthehat: The only weakness this team has is getting distracted by all the ass in south Louisiana. The guys in the locker room tell me that Cajun girls have vaginas tighter than Hungarian rat traps, and that sticking your dick inside of one is like sticking in a vat of hot butter. Shit'll make you crazy.


ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Ah yes, Cajun girls. Saucy little tarts. And they can cook too! fearthehat: So give me some dirt on some of the other coaches in the SEC pops. I won't tell anyone, I swear I won't. Go ahead, tell me, Tuberville's a kid fucker ain't he? ahardmanisgoodtofind69: True. Little Laotian boys to be precise. fearthehat: What about Urban Meyer? That asshole just looks like a sick perv. ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Diaper Pail Friends member. fearthehat: What the fuck is that? ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Google it. :) fearthehat: One other question pops...those Florida bloggers that are always picking on me, Shanoff and Swindle, they jerk off to Tim Tebow's YouTube clips, don't they? ahardmanisgoodtofind69: In tandem. Via iChat. They watch each other. And then they Twitter it. And then they argue over IM about whose load of baby batter would most make Tebow proud. fearthehat: Figured as much. Now let me run, I gotta get back to cooking up something special for that twatwaffle kid from Auburn who tried to take out Dorsey's knee last year. Remember him?

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Chaz Ramsey. He's Kige Ramsey's cousin you know? fearthehat: Who the fuck is Kige Ramsey?