Our weekly college football shame index.
Arkansas 24, Auburn 7: Jacksonville State's Troymaine Pope and DaMarcus James; Louisiana-Monroe Warhawk Kolton Browning; Jawan Jamison of Rutgers; Texas A&M Aggies Johnny Manziel and Ben Malena; and the Alabama trio of T.J. Yeldon, Eddie Lacy, and Kenyan Drake. These are the individual players who have run for more than 40 yards against Arkansas this year, a feat Auburn could not manage on Saturday. "But!" you say, butthurt Auburn fan, "rushing statistics in college are severely skewed because they include yards lost on sacks!" That is extremely true, B.A.F., and an excellent way of putting a positive spin on the fact that the Razorbacks had seven total sacks before this game started and 15 in all once it was over.
Having thrown 10 picks and lost seven fumbles, Auburn currently has been the most generous FBS team to date. That puts the Tigers on pace to finish with 40 turnovers lost, which would be the most by any team since Washington's 42 in 2004. The same Washington team that decided to turn things around by hiring Ty Willingham the next year.
Ty Willingham with War Eagle on his arm is going to look like the saddest version of Ghostface Killah ever.
N.C. State 17, Florida State 16: The frustrating thing about moments of great historical import is that you never know when you're watching one unfold, and it doesn't dawn on you until later, after a brief caesura in which history gathers itself and everyone forwards you the same GIF of a fat guy twirling his T-shirt. To be sure, the Seminoles blowing a perfectly winnable game against an average-at-best conference opponent is not particularly rare, but there are four reasons why this loss should immediately go down in shame history.
1. Since the beginning of the 2000 season, Florida State had held an opponent's offense to four yards per play or less in 41 games. Florida State had won all 41 of those games. In Game 42, FSU held the Wolfpack to 3.96 yards per play—and the streak died at the cold, No Salt Saltine-eating hands of Tom O'Brien.
2. N.C. State has played 23 games against a top 10 team since 1989. The Wolfpack have won only five of those games, one being against Clemson last year. The other four? Victories over Florida State in 1998, 2001, 2005, and 2012. The only thing sadder than getting knocked off your pedestal by N.C. State is getting knocked off your pedestal four times by N.C. State.
3. As in, the number of times Mike Glennon converted on fourth down during the game-winning drive. Three. If you know an FSU fan, this fact should be your counterpoint in any argument. Observe!
"Excuse me, but I think you're sitting in my seat. My ticket says I have 15A."
"Mike Glennon beat Florida State on three straight fourth downs."
(Law enforcement removes the Seminole fan from the plane)
4. Never before has stadium security been so effectively stymied:
Ohio State 63, Nebraska 38: Last week, I sang the praises of the Nebraska defense after it forced Montee Ball into one of the most inefficient performances of his career. This week, the Blackshirts gave up 371 rushing yards, and Ball averaged over six yards a carry in an easy Wisconsin win. This is not a comment on whether or not I'm an idiot (I am); it's proof that shame is out there for every team, waiting and ready to emerge at the worst possible moment.
Things did not start badly for Nebraska in this game. In the first quarter, Ohio State's offense had one rush for a loss of yardage and got sacked twice. That trend didn't hold, and the Huskers failed to register another tackle for loss in the game, because math has no relationship to real life. Your teachers knew this and lied to you simply to protect their own jobs.
The especially disturbing part: Ohio State eventually stopped pretending it wanted to do anything but beat Nebraska to a pulp with the run. The Buckeyes ran 28 plays in the second half. Three of them were passes, and they all came on their first possession. This is why Urban Meyer is the most successful Bond villain—he reveals every detail of his plan to kill you and then laughs when you still can't save yourself.
Aaron Murray barely managed 109 passing yards against the Gamecocks, the lowest total by any Georgia quarterback with at least 20 attempts since Joe Tereshinski in a 2005 loss to Florida. Fun fact: every time you say Joe Tereshinki's name, 10 points are knocked off every Dawg fan's credit rating. Joe Tereshinski. Joe Tereshinski. Joe Tereshinski.
Maryland and Wake Forest each finished with more punt yardage than total yardage. That isn't even a fact I made up, though nobody actually watched this game to call me on it if I had.
Kansas's third quarter: 68 yards, two punts, and three turnovers. Kansas State's third quarter: 177 yards, one fumble, and four touchdowns. Charlie Weis gets paid over a million dollars more per year than Bill Snyder, so maybe college football really isn't a giant money-making machine!
Iowa travels to Michigan State for a game that the Spartans will probably win after Kirk Ferentz declines every pass-interference penalty for no reason. Please, don't watch this game. There are so many healthier choices you could make, like eating an entire carton of cigarettes.
Virginia has forced only three turnovers all year. Maryland is tied for 118th in FBS with 16 giveaways. Can you have a fumble that neither team recovers? The answer is "yes, after Randy Edsall fills all the balls with helium."
At first glance, it's easy to imagine Missouri going 0-17 on third down against Alabama. But there's an offensive wrinkle you're missing that the Tigers would do well to deploy in this game, and it's called punting on second down.
Celebrity Hot Tub is a college football fan who lost the ability to truly love thanks to three years of Florida head coach Ron Zook. He writes for Every Day Should Be Saturday. Follow him on Twitter @celebrityhottub.