Our weekly college football shame index.
The Weekend in Shame
Missouri 51, Tennessee 48: "Derek Dooley's SEC Wins" is the saddest Jeopardy! category, mostly because you can't fill the column when you have only four potential answers. Getting that elusive fifth would require something resembling a defense, however, and that doesn't seem to be part of Dooley's wish list—in his three seasons, the Volunteers have allowed a conference opponent to score at least 30 points 14 times. From 2003 to 2009, that happened on only 13 occasions.
Tennessee's defense has already given up 370 points; the 2011 team gave up 271 points all season. Thirteen more points, and this year's edition will go down as the worst scoring defense in the program's recorded history. The Vols have already set a school record for the longest streak of allowing 25 points or more—eight games—and there are two opponents left on the schedule. (OK, one-and-a-third opponents.)
Importantly, the Vols aren't just bad on a macro level; on Saturday, they allowed Missouri's Kendial Lawrence to break 150 yards rushing for the first time in his career and yielded 312 second-half yards to a Tiger offense that was averaging only 319 a game. It is entirely possible that Tennessee's defensive playbook is an L.L. Bean catalog.
A final point: "We need to beat Vanderbilt and Kentucky to make a bowl game" is something Volunteer fans have had to think every year of Derek Dooley's tenure. That's so depressing I have to come up with a new word for this emotion: sadenfreude.
Massachusetts 22, Akron 14: The Minutemen were eventually going to get their first win as an FBS program, but congratulations are due to Akron all the same for this particular ignominy. UMass came into this game allowing 44 points per, scoring 10 per, and converting third downs at a 34 percent clip.
But the Zips, gracious hosts that they are, didn't tally a point in the first half and allowed Massachusetts to convert half of its third downs. That generosity extended to the passing game: Senior quarterback Dalton Williams threw four picks, allowing the Minutemen to finish with more interception return yards than rushing yards.
Akron has now lost 21 straight games against FBS opponents, a streak that is unlikely to end in two weeks against 8-2 Toledo. Terry Bowden is the worst Santa ever.
Washington 34, Utah 15: The Utes converted their first third down of this game with a 13-yard pass to Luke Matthews that took the offense into Washington territory. Congratulations! You have now completed "Utah's Third-Down Successes Last Week," the first in an ongoing series of courses brought to you by the Deadspin Online College of Football and TV/VCR Repair.
That 13-yard catch also represented about a quarter of the Utah passing attack for the evening, the worst team tally since a 2006 loss to Boise State. The Utes registered only two completions in the second half, both of which came in the third quarter. Tip: "Both" is not the adjective you want applied to your passing attack, unless it's modifying "99-yard touchdowns."
Utah also remains one of only three schools in the nation without an offensive play of 50 yards or longer. (Explosives are illegal in the Beehive State, however, which is why the traditional Fourth of July celebration involves making macaroni art that looks like John Stockton.) The Utes have already recorded the most losses in a season during the Meyer-Whittingham era, and, yes, that does sound like a pharmaceutical company, but pharmaceuticals are also illegal in Utah.
Elsewhere in Shame
UNC becomes the first ACC school in 25 games to let Georgia Tech throw for 200 yards in, and the Tar Heels give up the most points to Tech of any FBS school in 11 years! The Atlantic Coast Conference! It's like a mayonnaise taste test!
West Virginia has now given up at least 39 points in six straight games. The FBS record is seven, and oh look, an Oklahoma game on the horizon! A month ago this was the No. 5 team in the nation, which is a reminder that people are stupid and like sparkly things.
1976: the last time Auburn was shut out by Georgia. 1946: the last time a game in this rivalry was more lopsided than Saturday's 38-0. These were both better years for the Tigers, however, because Gene Chizik hadn't been born yet.
The Week Ahead in Shame
Florida State plays a Maryland team that will have three more dead players by the time you finish reading this sentence. Not "out for the season." DEAD.
Iowa travels to Michigan hoping to beat the Wolverines for the fourth time in a row because Michigan Men don't need nice things to be happy. Knowledge is its own victory.
Clemson has won seven games in a row. Tom O'Brien operates NC State in a manner solely designed to ruin the happiness of others. You can already see Dabo Swinney kicking his shoes off in anger after the Wolfpack win this with a late field goal, can't you?
Celebrity Hot Tub is a college football fan who lost the ability to truly love thanks to three years of Florida head coach Ron Zook. He writes for Every Day Should Be Saturday. Follow him on Twitter @celebrityhottub.