Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Cultural Oddsmaker: What Will Tiger Woods Name His Baby?

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

There were always a lot of things about Tiger Woods that suggested that he's not the coolest professional athlete out there — the uptight demeanor, the CEO gait, his inability to execute a high-five without people thinking he's mentally challenged — but what's most telling about Tiger Woods' nerdiness can be found within the soundtrack to Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07.



Way Out West "Anything But You"
Fort Knox Five "Brazillian Hipsters"
Hextastic "Chase Me"
The Long Cut "Holy Funk"


What? No Deep Forest?

However, in a few months, Tiger will show another side of his persona, when he and wife Elin Nordictrack become parents to a bouncing baby Swedecaublasian. Now, I'm at the age where a lot of my friends are starting to churn out kids, and there have been so many goopy newborn pictures forwarded to me there's no way to distinguish them — not even the name. The only name I remember out of the 34 or so friends with babies is Sophia. I thought that name was memorable. The rest? It's a blur of Jennifers and Irishy crap. No idea.


Tiger's baby name, given its prodigious celebrity, is certainly one that has a chance to be overzealously unique — or, given his father's personality, predictably bland. So, this week, I'm putting on my Linda Rosenkrantz jersey, beer-bonging some breast milk and placing odds on what this Woods moppet will be called.

Let's powder some rashes, after this jump.


This image was lost some time after publication.

Lil' Earl: 1/4

Tiger's affection for his father, Earl Woods, is well documented, and he still hasn't fully recovered from his father's death last May. Memorializing Earl by bestowing his name upon his newborn is a huge priority for Tiger — regardless of the sex of the baby. In 20 years, we could all be drooling over the Stuff pictorial of a semi-famous lady named Earl. Out of respect, they should outfit her with an oversized baseball hat and giant sunglasses.


Stacy Grenrock: 3/1

What better way to showcase some edginess than by naming his new child after Esquire's pouty sex columnist? Besides, if he's going to give his baby a name that is already familiar to a small portion of the population, this is a more original way to go than, say, "James." And why run the risk of having a baby that's destined to a life of pockmarks and a penchant for humping his friend's teenage daughters?


Fuzzy: 8/1

Sure, this is probably a long shot, but Woods has publicly stated that he's forgiven Fuzzy Zoeller for his whiskey-soaked comments during the '97 Masters, and what a better way to solidify that fact than by naming his son after him? Say it out loud: Fuzzy Woods. That name sounds like greatness. It also sounds like either a Negro League baseball player or the wise, old bear that lives inside an oak tree in a children's book. But first — greatness.

This image was lost some time after publication.

Ocelot: 12/1

This sticks with the whole cat theme, in case they wanted to go that route, and is very Shakespearian as well. And it could start a nice theme if they choose to have more kids: Lynx, Cougar, Panther, Skink... wait, that's a lizard. Marmoset? Is that a cat?


Urethra: 15/1

I always thought that would be a pretty name for a girl.

Share This Story