AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
One of the best columns I read yesterday while prepping myself for March Madness minutiae was one that only had a tenuous connection to this here whole basketball thing. It's by a woman named Liz H. Kelly titled "How to Score More "Love Hoops" During March Madness," which outlines how singles can make the most out of all the bracket-filing and bar-hopping to score themselves a date. Some of you may have seen this column because Yahoo had it on its front page for a whole 20 minutes about 11 p.m. last night, or some of you may have caught it while trolling the Yahoo Personals looking for that special someone, or, better, that special someone to masturbate to via email. Whichever the reason, those of you who did read it were probably inspired to use this weekend's basketball overload to your romantic advantage.
Ladies, keep this in the front of your mind as you're scanning the scoreboard to find out if your team won. So sayeth Love Dr. Kelly:
"Why not change your profile introductory line to say something about your favorite team? You might try, B-ball or Bust, Go Terps! Or The Eyes of March Madness. You can also search on sports terms, and then send emails to singles about their b-ball passions..."
Hmm ... sounds like a plan? I mean, guys LIKE sports. Guys really want a lady who LIKES sports. And, personally, if I received a random flirty email from "B-ball or Bust" inquiring about my "b-ball passions," well, I think that's a woman I'd like to get to know a little better, perhaps during a candlelight dinner and a carriage ride. Then we'd go nude dancing in the rain and lay down in a pasture and make gentle love under the wandering steer...
And, dudes, you too can reel in a lucky lassie this weekend if you comport yourselves appropriately:
"Men can advance by giving studly responses to bold female moves. If a woman approaches you in a bar or sends you an email online, make a bet on the game, dazzle them with trivia, buy them a drink - If the chemistry is there, go for it!"
Somewhere, Howie Schwab is purchasing himself a new bottle of English Leather and rehearsing his delivery: "You know, Oregon actually won the whole tournament in 1939 and at that time they were known as the 'Tall Firs' ..."
So, this week, I'm polishing up my Whispers4U profile, re-reading The Rules and placing odds on some of the other people you'll be able to score a "love hoop" with this weekend.
Wink with me, after this jump.
The Pudgy Office Manager: 1/1
Usually marked by her dowdy wardrobe, cheery disposition and canned enthusiasm about her co-workers' birthdays/engagements/childbirths, she lives for any kind of activity that gives her a reason to communicate with as many people in the office as possible on a non-work related basis. This single lady most likely has pictures of her nieces and nephews covering every inch of empty cork board or monitor space, and she's a big fan of hand-crafted broaches. (Today, she's probably wearing either a coaster-sized Bedazzled shamrock or a leprechaun made from green yarn, a popsicle stick, and a peanut.)
She's also the woman who's much too excited for her placement in the office pool at this point. If she's in the top five, she'll send out a mass email to all employees all over the country, usually with lots of exclamation marks. However, she's also picked a team with some kind of local ties (cousin attended the university, college under 50 miles from birthplace) to win it all, so this public celebration will be brief. But her disappointment will be temporary as well, because you know, there's always an open table at the Cheesecake Factory you can take her to tonight. Make her yours.
Low-Hanging Fruit Girls: 1/2
Yeeeeah! They got up at 6 a.m. to get on the Leprechaun Express and plan to rally all weekend until they can't see straight. They'll just keep screaming every time the rest of the bar does during the second round games. They'll be easily distracted, so make sure you keep buying them drinks, lest one of their girlfriends they came with, whom they haven't seen in 15 minutes, comes up behind them — then you'll be witness to a wobbly embrace between the two and possibly be forgotten. Also, watch out if Journey comes on, but if you're willing to sing "Don't Stop Believin' " in public, then you might have a shot. The real test is when she'll drag you out to the dance floor with only 58 seconds left during a tie game because the DJ is playing "Good Googly Moogly" upstairs. Hope that thang is juicy.
Hyper-Aggressive Meathead: 1/3
Baseball hats and braided belts used to be their calling cards, but this guy's advanced a bit since the Co-Ed Naked Volleyball T-shirt days. Now, he's all black tee shirts, pomade and LiveStrong bracelets. Sure, he'd love to chat you up and buy you a Miller Lite, in between yelling at the television screen just because somebody got called for a cheap foul. And you know, one of his buddies has a lot of money on this game. If his team is winning, well, shit, he'd like to buy you and your friends a shot. Enjoy that Jager Bomb. And another. That way you won't feel that violated when he starts making out with you and not-so-subtly sticks his hand down the back of your pants to check for your whale's tail.
Russell Pleasant: 1/4
Last year's ESPN NCAA Tournament Challenge winner has a bigger bank account and a newly minted expertise about March Madness, thanks to his victory in last year's pool. Russell beat out over 3 million other people thanks to his soothsayer-like abilities in selecting George Mason to make the Final Four. Sure, he's married, has five kids and lives in Omaha, but a brother's gotta eat. So, this year, ladies, head over to the Fifteen 07 Club in downtown Omah,a and you'll see Russell The Chocolate Love Muscle cold-kicking it live with his former Omega Thi Phi crew and capitalizing on his amateur bracketologist status. Joe Lunardi? That muthafucka ain't shee-yit.