Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion
This image was lost some time after publication.

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

Everybody who grew up on the outskirts of Jersey had the same kind of reaction early this morning: "How about Rutgers? (chortle)" Yes, that Rutgers, who most Pa/New Yorkers will now claim some allegiance to because they have an uncle/cousin who attended. If not, they've at least stopped off at the New Brunswick turnpike exit on the way to Manhattan or Philly to find a gas station. Close enough. Go Scarlet Knights!

Schools like Rutgers appreciate the spotlight a little more. There's a swagger in Piscataway this morning, one that Jersey football hasn't had since Hershel Walker signed with the Generals. And as is common with most college campuses after a huge victory, much celebrating was to be had last night, as armies of Rutgers faithful decked themselves out in their cleanest Co-Ed Naked Volleyball shirts and broke out the microbrews for a good ol' fashioned Jersey bender.

Of course, the biggest beneficiaries of last night's victory are the players, who will be forever deified on campus as part of the team that changed the character of the university. And with that newfound popularity brings more responsibility, bigger opportunities in life and more ... ass.

So, this week, I'm wearing my L.J. Smith jersey, taking a big swig of Raritan cocktail and calculating the odds on which Scarlett Knights got the most beav last night.

Let's go plowing, after the jump.




Ray Rice: Even

Rice's player of the game status should technically bode well for baskets full of trim at the end of the victory. But it's apparent that Rice is a family man who loves his mother, so he's probably gonna keep things legit and take up with his longtime girlfriend from New Rochelle. After a celebratory meal at the Applebee's, of course. There's nothing like post-euphoric victory humping with a belly full of potato skins.
Most likely had sex with: His baby's momma


Jeremy Ito: 1/4

Nobody's benefited more from the emo rocker, sensitive male revolution than the placekickers. They've shaken off the crippling Yepremianism of years past and have worked their way up on the sexually appealing scale just underneath dime package defensive backs and long snappers. However, game-winning kicks cause their stock to spike, and Ito was absolutely swimming in opportunities to have, at the very minimum, a threesome last evening. But, they're also very superstitious and stick to routines, so unless he was tanked, he most likely postponed the "strange" until after the season.
Most likely had sex with: Kind of hot physical therapy major interning as team trainer.


Redshirt Offensive Lineman Dave McClain: 1/3

Offensive lineman usually aren't picky about who they bang and are usually the players that churn through the most groupie-ish girls on campus just because, well ... they can. And redshirts are no different, other than, unlike the rest of their teammates, they don't have to beat the crap out of themselves this season. That's where somebody like McClain comes in, who can rock the Nu Metal bass player/bouncer look to vaginal victory.


Most likely had sex with: Red head chick from South Amboy visiting her high school friends.


Brian Leonard, 1/6:

Even though he's been Rutgers' standout player for the last few years, Leonard's role has diminished to more of a father figure, old sage-type that's willing to share the spotlight on behalf of his teammates. Still, he can pull serious top tier ladies when he wants to, and last night's victory was the perfect opportunity for him to cash in on the groundwork he's laid for five years. But, like Ito, he'll smartly hold out for BCS-caliber tail. Regular good friend/fuck buddy is sufficient for now.
Most likely had sex with: Rutgers Sophomore G Heather Zurich


The Scarlet Knight, 1/8:

His suit of armor was never more magnetic than it was last evening, as wearing this thing anywhere on campus could pretty much seal any deal. However, it's extremely tough to keep putting on those plastic pants and codpiece. So, first come, first serve last night.
Most likely had sex with: Four gals from the pep band

Share This Story

Get our newsletter