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David Pastrnak Is Doing Scary Things With His Stick And I Don't Like It

Photo: Charles Krupa (AP)

A PSA: This blog is rated R for frozen violence, scenes of intense terror, and sadistic torture of a goalie.

Boston Bruins winger David Pastrnak has spent the early part of this season menacing the NHL, and the league leader in goals claimed more victims in a Tuesday night win over the Maple Leafs, where the actions he took with the puck on his stick were nothing short of unconscionably horrific.

In the first period, after some brave officials had already disallowed one of his goals for the lightest of offside calls, Pastrnak stuck the knife into the Leafs by deploying a devilish move with his stick right in front of the net. Moving backwards after he received the puck, the fiendish forward destroyed goaltender Michael Hutchinson by going between his legs for the goal, getting his 10th of the year and eighth in his last four games alone thanks to the powers of black magic.

“I was thinking about I should pass it with the backhand,” Pastrnak said in his postgame confession. “Then just kind of slide it between my legs. I tried a couple times in practice. Didn’t work. But it worked today. Kind of a lucky goal.”

A first-degree premediated evil goal is what it looked like to me, but if you have any doubts about the darkness in Pastrnak’s soul, you merely have to watch this assist from later in the game. Pastrnak gets the puck behind the net and maneuvers his way along the boards to the edge of the face-off circle, where he’s guarded by Auston Matthews and Andreas Johnsson. Despite the bodies on him, Pastrnak inexplicably manages to turn and whip the puck through traffic to a waiting Brad Marchand, who receives it cleanly and fires a shot into the back of the net. A hockey player cannot make this play unless he’s made some sort of dark bargain with Mephistopheles himself.

Someone banish this demon before from the NHL before it corrupts more victims. Connor McDavid: Stay away from Boston!

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