Image: Me

This week, Deadspin and Jezebel swap beats to celebrate America’s most dangerous and controversial pastimes: football and fashion, two sports that have far more in common than you think.

When I’m not trying to figure out how old Margot Robbie actually is, I often write about fashion. As a casual trend-watcher and aspiring fashion plate (you have to earn the title through an elaborate full moon ceremony, it’s complicated) I tend to know what’s in (leopard, plaid suits) and what’s definitely out (Rachel Comey, tiny glasses.)

So when Jezspin was announced, I wondered what was “in” when it comes to sports fashion. What is the Barneys equivalent for sports fans, and how chic is it? And then I realized: it’s probably Modell’s, conveniently located a block away from the office.

I had high hopes walking into the Union Square Modell’s last week. I made sure to bring my Amex Black Card, in case I really started racking up the goods. At first I wanted to go to Dick’s Sporting Goods store, a place I’ve actually been to in the wilds of suburbia, but seeing as the closest location was in Queens, Dick’s was too long...

...of a journey for me ;)

Advertisement

The first thing you need to know about Modell’s, or at least the one I “shopped” at, is that nearly everything is LOCKED. Literally, all the clothes are hanging on hangers but tied together with locked cables, unless it’s something nobody cares about like off-brand sweatpants. This seemed to be extremely luxe, like how if you walk into a Chanel in SoHo the salespeople will swarm around you if you’re wearing anything less than a $1,000 outfit. There is also literally one (1) dressing room in the entire two-story shop, which includes a slightly smudged mirror and lighting designed for Buffalo Bill’s basement.

Clearly, it was the hottest store in town.

I decided to put together three looks in an attempt to find my high fashion sports fan alter ego. What would her style be? What perfume would she wear? Would she be comfortable punching a mouthy rival fan in the face while waiting at the hotdog counter in this look? I could only hope so.

Advertisement

I was overwhelmed with choices immediately. Would I keep it simple with a baby pink head-to-toe sweatsuit? Try to turn three pairs of shorts into a unitard? Wear a deflated football on my head like a hat and call it a day?

For my first look, I opted for something simple, which I’d like to call Normcore Mets Gal. I know what you’re thinking: It’s a boring ensemble, and perhaps I’m missing pants. I am not missing pants. Not to get all Miranda Priestly on you, but there are several layers and delicate decisions involved in this outfit. When I saw this white Under Armour turtleneck, my brain conjured images of Diane Keaton or Sharon Stone’s minimalist white wardrobe in Basic Instinct, but reworked for a baseball game. You just can’t eat or drink anything or sit anywhere or hug anyone or move, at all, frankly, if you don’t want to spoil your pristine whites. Overall, it’s pretty low-maintenance.

Advertisement

I also decided to go oversized with the Mets shirt and wear it as a dress because I remembered this 2015 look from Moschino with a similar vibe. I grabbed a matching visor because visors are making a comeback this year, as seen on the runways of Chanel and Burberry this year. Will I bake to death in the stands in this outfit? Yes. But that’s okay, because it’s for fashion.

While I was sweating and pawing through layers and layers of Cowboys merch and neon sports bras, I found myself drawn to this Adidas track suit jacket in a dark, pink-y coral. Not my color usually, but coral is in. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. I mean, hypothetically could I be making up rules just to fuck with you? Yes. But you’d never know. :)

Advertisement

I figure you can’t go wrong with Adidas, and professionally beautiful people like Kendall Jenner and Hailey Baldwin make a tracksuit look great. But there didn’t seem to be any matching pants, so I decided to grab two jackets and turn one of them into a skirt. It’s a little lumpy, but that just gives it sort of a Comme des Garçons aesthetic. I’m calling this look Athleisure Barbie, and preferably I’d wear it courtside at a Knicks game while sandwiched between Rihanna and Jake Gyllenhaal. And no, I can’t wear this out. I got my picture and that’s it. Photoshoots are lies and outfits are stitched together a minute before they go out on the runway!!! Don’t ask me about this again!!!

When in doubt, belt it. That’s what I did to this Golden State Warriors jersey (named for Steph Curry, a name I actually recognize, but please tell me why he does or does not suck in the comments) which YES I am also wearing as a DRESS. If Rihanna can do it, you can too.

Advertisement

Actually, that’s a bad idea. If Rihanna can do it you probably can’t, I’m so sorry. But you might as well try!

I thought this look needed an accessory of sorts. What if I got cold at the game? What if I wanted to smuggle out a box of soft pretzels to consume later in my apartment alone? So I grabbed a blue sweatshirt that just happened to be hanging near the dressing room and threw it over my shoulder. And then I tried it as a bonnet because prairie fashion is in, and this is my photoshoot and I can do whatever I want. Honestly, I wouldn’t be caught dead going to a game without wearing my sweatshirt like this. This is the look for 2019, take my word. I call this overall ensemble Curry With a Pearl Earring.

I hope we all learned something today. Here are some takeaways:

1) You need to buy a visor.

2) Coral is in.

3) I shouldn’t be trusted styling anything, frankly.

See you next fashion week!