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Dirks Nowitzki, Ranked

Screenshot: Alex Kennedy (Twitter)

Alex Kennedy of HoopsHype has posted some excellent videos that track the evolution of specific player avatars in NBA video games over the last two decades. By far the most cursed sequence is Dirk Nowitzki’s. If you were expecting a steady, linear progression from “Not Dirk” to “Okay that’s Dirk” as the various games’ various designers gradually figured out how to depict human athletes, I have some bad news for you. Instead of that evolution, the Dirks are diverse in their grotesquerie and each one is a fresh horror. The only thing they have in common is that they almost never resemble Dirk Nowitzki.

Every few years a Virtual Dirk might move slightly in the direction of his real-world appearance, only to be totally undone and reduced to a wet Neanderthal again the next year. In at least one case, Dirk’s just straight-up Michael Beasley. Something about Nowitzki’s long facial structure and blond hair seems to give designers a lot of trouble. Below are some of the Dirks, ranked.

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10. Getting hit by a car

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