We never thought we would ever be saying this, but after watching almost a full season of Emmitt Smith on ESPN ... we kind of miss Michael Irvin. We know. We're so ashamed.

What makes Emmitt so awful? There's an arrogance there — the guy DID win "Dancing With The Stars;" he's earned it! — but everybody over there has that; we think it's something as simple as Emmitt seemingly refusing to do any research, assuming that his status as Emmitt! Smith! will draw people's rapt attention. He's Emmitt Smith, dammit! He drives a Dodge Stratus!


The best portrayal of Emmitt we've seen yet is, not surprisingly, from Drew at KSK.

So, to you teams hoping for a magic salutation to beating this New England team, all I can say is keep masturbating that ball up the feel. That's all I can tell you! I wish I knew more, but I'm just an anal cyst. Sorry.


Honestly, we're not gonna be able to watch Emmitt the rest of the year and not think of this column.

In Football, It's Very Important To Be Able To Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel [Kissing Suzy Kolber]