England's Lazy Sack Of Crap Racing Snails Refuse To Race In The Cold

Newsflash: it’s cold in England. It’s also winter. And we’re not even talking about true cold, here: in the range of 32 degrees Fahrenheit, with overnight temperatures in the teens. Mehhhhhh. For point of reference, at the opening ceremony of the 2018 Winter Olympics, in Pyeongchang, temperatures fell below zero. How did the humans handle the cold?

Hell yeah, buddy. That is how true athletes handle the damn cold. And that is how I know the racing snails of England are not, in fact, true athletes: The Dartmouth Union Inn in Devon, England scheduled the 1st annual International Snail Grand National for Saturday, but had to cancel it because the primadonna snails decided they’d rather sleep than win great athletic glory:

Truly this speaks to the ongoing wussification of Western culture. Dick Butkus never hibernated in the cold. Joe DiMaggio never hibernated in the cold. Gordie Howe never hibernated in the cold. Don’t you dare call yourselves athletes, lousy gastropods.