A victimless crime?: Two Southampton strikers are accused of attacking a man with their kebabs. No, I'm talking about the food. What are you talking about? [Sports Rubbish]

Uh-oh: Meanwhile, the Premier League discovers the "cease and desist." You don't want to know what kind of meat they're carrying. [The Offside]

[Crickets]: Who wants Plaxico Burress on their team? Anyone? Anyone ... ? [Phinallly Philly]

You don't know Dick: Look, Chicago—you can't blame Dick Stockton for all your problems. Believe me, I've tried. [Rumors and Rants]

Too easy: Is Jim Bowden trying to hit on Adam Dunn's wife? Of course not! Everyone knows the Nationals can't hit. [National Enquirer]