Farewell, Judgmental Strangers

Well Deadspin, it's been a productive day. Sunrise, sunset, the earth turns, people fall in love, a tree falls on a hipster. Does it seem like I'm stalling? Because I am. I really have nothing more to say.

Which I guess is makes what AJ and Will and the rest of the Deadspin regulars so impressive. As far as the blank-space filling biz goes, these guys do a pretty amazing job. (Little known Deadspin fact: Tommy Craggs is a robot! )

Anyway, I feel like I've learned a lot today. So I've hastily written a few resolutions, should I ever be invited to do this again:

Resolution 1: I will not post a long rant about NFL play-calling without any statistics or supporting evidence. Rather, I will invent statistics from thin air and pepper them convincingly throughout the post.

Resolution 2: I will not call Tommy Craggs a robot. That is juvenile and hurtful, and it is also untrue, sort of.

Resolution 3: I will not edit on a day without a sex scandal. A MAJOR sex scandal. I'm not talking about Tiger Woods getting caught with a hooker. Tiger Woods would have to be the hooker. And Roger Federer, who is now a cop, and his best friend, and a repressed homosexual, is the only person who can save him. There would also be a moose involved, who is also gay. This is in space, by the way.

Resolution 4: The moose is named Henry.

Resolution 5: Finally, I will not use the DUAN! post as an opportunity to kiss up to AJ Daulerio and the rest of those needle-nosed creeps in a craven ploy to get them to ask me back. I mean, seriously, what makes them think they're in a position to do me any favors? I'm Yoni-Fucking-Brenner! I co-wrote Ice Age 3! I CO-WROTE ICE AGE MOTHERFUCKING 3!!!!!!!!!

And—scene.

Thanks again AJ, for the opportunity, and for all the clutch assists throughout the day.

And to the rest of you: thanks for your continued support of Deadspin.

(Ed. Note: Weekend Crew: Tomorrow: Barry Petchesky, Sunday: Moe Sussman)

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