Fictional Hooper Bracket: The Rucker Region - Round 2

Professional basketball players dressing up in disguise and busting ass on a basketball court, what’s not to love. Kilroy put on the greatest performance in the history of the sport, scoring 79 points in one quarter for the Chicago Bulls, while Uncle Drew was embarrassing basketball players more than half his age on New York playgrounds. However, the infamous Johnny Kilroy appeared to be in basketball more for the money than for the love of the game. Kyrie Irving was playing in the NBA, and his ads as Uncle Drew developed into a movie complete with cheesy life lessons. Johnny Kilroy’s ads, however, were done shortly after Michael Jordan first retired from the NBA in fall 1993. As fans across the world mourned their favorite athlete hanging up the Bulls jersey after three championships, here comes a Nike campaign teasing a “comeback” that includes Steve Martin in a Super Bowl commercial. Honestly, this was just cruel. Halfway through the NBA season, Kilroy and Nike were playing with our emotions about a Jordan comeback, and did it during the Super Bowl when the most American eyeballs were watching television at the same time. Uncle Drew wanted his coins as well, but at least he didn’t play with the heartstrings of an elementary-school student in the Chicago-area like a marionette.

Billy Matthews absolutely would’ve fit in on Don Nelson’s “We Believe” Warriors in 2007. He was intercepting passes and pulling up for three-point shots nearly a decade before that became encouraged game strategy instead of irresponsible behavior in the NBA. Young Billy would’ve been given the green light by any coach to let that three pointer rain whenever he felt like it, after going 12-of-12 from behind the arc and grilling up Riley Freeman and his broke-ass jumpshot with some potato salad on the side. But Shep, sorry young man. I can see Shep blocking a Matthews 3-pointer and staring him right in the eyes while saying, “I ain’t Riley.” The man only needed a jersey and some corduroys to freak an entire basketball game. Sure young Billy’s shot was wet, but has there ever been a prettier fictional jumper than Tommy Sheppard’s. After Billy gets throttled on the court, I would show him clips of Sheppard shooting the lights out to help the youngster improve even more. Nelson would’ve given Billy some clock in Golden State, but Shep might’ve pushed Jason Richardson out of the starting lineup.

Two of the most charismatic actors ever square off after obliterating their first-round opponents. Michael J. Fox went full-Wold mode against High School Musical’s Troy Bolton, and we learned yet again that the original is always better than the reboot with the masses ignoring New Fresh Prince’s game and going with the OG sitcom legend.

You could kind of foreshadow both of those outcomes as much as you could see the Beavers winning the big game with the non-wolf Scott Howard in Teen Wolf. When the wolf meets Will this round, it’ll be more difficult to hide those flaws. The selfish tendencies and sexual proclivity of the Teen Wolf — I understand you liked Pamela, but Boof was pretty forgiving of you two howling at the moon together.

Will was equally self-indulgent, but for good reason because clearly Carlton shouldn’t have taken — and missed — the game-winning shot. Not passing to any of your four open teammates and instead lobbing to yourself off the backboard is not great, and getting a kiss from a cheerleader while dribbling on-court is even worse. (Side note: Whoever had the idea to make Will the tallest player on his team and use lowered rims was a genius because those dunks look kind of impressive. When Will daydreams about beating Isiah Thomas in a sneakers commercial, he shows some hops, but at no point is he easily throwing down reverse jams.)

Michael J. Fox has his claws full, and the upset wouldn’t surprise me here.

Calvin gets his chance to see if he’s more than a better version of The 6th Man because things have gotten real very quickly as these two characters and movies could not be more tonally different than one another despite being released within four years of each other. Calvin finally gets a dad in Like Mike, and even though Jesus goes to the college his dad, on a leave from prison, lobbied him to go to, Denzel ends the picture still incarcerated.

While one assumes Jesus went on to have a storied NBA career, we never actually see his future. We visibly witness Calvin posterize David Robinson, swipe the ball from Tracy McGrady, dunk from the free-throw line, and cross over Vince Carter — in hindsight, that last one is not too impressive.

At one point in He Got Game, old-ass Denzel Washington gets a bucket on Jesus, who eventually discards his father’s attempt to win the game — and his freedom — with the angst of a scorned teenager (and who could blame him). I think playing against your dad with all the history they have is more of a mental hurdle than anything, and I’m not going to knock the young man for that. (Critic’s corner: Ray Allen was surprisingly good in He Got Game, and deserved more roles than that and Harvard Man.)

That said, if this exercise has taught us anything, it’s that you don’t actually have to be better than your opponent on the court in order to advance in make believe. Well that, and the first round tallies told us people still love Jesus Shuttlesworth.