Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise


Illustration for article titled FIRE THIS ASSHOLE

This is Roger Goodell. He's the commissioner of the NFL. Someone, please, FIRE THIS ASSHOLE.


Fire him now and fire him good. Fire him by opening up a trap door beneath his feet. Pack up all the shit in his office—all his hand mirrors, all his shredded concussion evidence, all the fan mail from Peter King, that letter his father wrote to him when he was just starting out in this crazy business—and BURN IT in front of him.

This is the end of Roger Goodell. He's lost his last fraction of credibility. Even ESPN crushed him last night, and you basically have to bomb an orphanage to get an ESPN talking head to actually speak his mind.

Goodell is a fraud, someone who has spent his career diving under his father's halo in the hopes that some of the light will shine on his dumbass, too. For years now, he has been little more than an eager hatchet man, doing all the shameful things that owners are too chickenshit to do themselves. The worst part was that he would cloak all this in the kind of faux nobility that suckers like Peter King always fall for but makes the rest of us want to shit on our rugs.

And now he doesn't even have that. He's presided over two consecutive primetime NFL games that stand among the greatest farces in the history of organized sports, if you don't count the other equally butffucked 48 games this season. The final touchdown call last night wasn't even the worst call of the game, which is amazing because that was a fucking horrific call (look at the pictures from the catch; it'll tell you more about the play than watching the video). Goodell has somehow succeeded in making NFL games feel utterly meaningless, and I don't know how you can fuck things up any worse than that.

Maybe spontaneous player boycotts won't ever happen. Maybe spontaneous coach boycotts won't ever happen. Certainly, every proposed fan boycott is hopelessly doomed to fail. But none of that is necessary right now because Goodell has already disgraced football in ways that will never be forgotten. The day he dies, we'll still remember the time he stuck us with illegitimate games at the beginning of the 2012 season and then spent the first three weeks of this disastrous season hiding in a fucking pantry. He's such a strong man, he can't even look you fans in the eye.


The NFL can easily repair the damage done by this ref lockout by striking a deal this week and going on about its business. That brand will survive. But the Goodell brand is and should be destroyed forever. Whatever bogus air of authority this man carried around should never be respected by anyone, ever. We should all continue to shit on him online. Boo him the next time he walks out onto the field with a group of veterans surrounding him as a cheap ploy to help boost his popularity. And when the 2013 draft comes around, we should pack the cheap seats and say the vilest shit possible in his direction. He's more than earned accusations of donkey fucking.

This man doesn't deserve even common human courtesy. He's fucking with these games just to swing his tiny ginger dick around, and to what end? There's no profile in courage waiting for Roger Goodell at the end of this. There are no more pats on the back from Jerry Jones after his quarterback nearly got killed on Sunday. There are no more fans looking up to this prick like he's a head of state. His legacy as a pathetic cretin is now well secured. And if NFL owners had any balls, they would run his ass out on a rail and move forward with someone who doesn't wear a paper crown on his head. FUCK YOU, ROGER GOODELL. YOU ARE A PATHETIC LEADER OF MEN AND EVERYONE WHO WALKS BY YOU ON THE STREET SHOULD MAKE AN INVISBLE WANK IN YOUR DIRECTION.