Frisky NFL teams that could get friskier with the right QB

Watching the Rams walk a tightrope without a net this season was exhilarating. They traded two first round picks for Matthew Stafford, and people who hated the deal were a Tom Brady comeback away from laughing at Stan Kroenke and Los Angeles for being so frivolous with their assets. (I would’ve been one of those people.)

However, like the year prior, when Brady led the Bucs to a Super Bowl, the gambit paid off. Brady retired and now the bill has come due for Tampa Bay. Who knows when the open tab is going to be settled for the Rams, but there will be a lengthy check to pick up.

I’m sure the teams and their fans will say, “It was worth it” even after their credit card statement shows up the same way you tell yourself that all-inclusive trip to Cabo was worth it because you got laid. Your friends will obviously be jealous when you regale them with your tale of triumph, but that doesn’t mean they should max out a near-maxed out Discover card trying to chase your glory.

You got lucky, literally, and you failed to mention that shot of penicillin needed to fully forget the fling. However, there’s always that one(-upper) friend who thinks they can outdo you, and that brings me to the crux of today’s idea: Which NFL team is idiotic (or capable) enough to think they can replicate what the Rams and Bucs just did?

There are a lot of teams who think they’re one Stafford away from a title, but I think I could make an open corner 3 in an NBA game, so we’re all lacking a lot of self-awareness. I’m looking for realistic suitors, not outlandish Ben Simmons to the Spurs-esque rumors.

The Packers, Panthers, and Saints would be on this list if not for extenuating circumstances. If Aaron Rodgers leaves Green Bay, you have to assume Davante Adams is following him, which wouldn’t be ideal for an incoming QB. Matt Rhule is a suspect coach at best, and I can’t say with certainty that Christian McCaffrey will be healthy enough to offset that. Sean Payton retired, and you can’t assume the Saints will have the same creativity, consistency, and success under new coach Dennis Allen. (Also, to those of you asking about the Washington Commanders: LOL.)

My hypothesis for who fills the role of Stafford isn’t formulated yet (Rodgers and Russell Wilson are the early favorites), so you’ll have to come back for that — assuming I write it. OK, onto Cleveland (literally).

The Browns had one of the best running games in the NFL a season ago, and Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt are slated to return. Myles Garrett, the best defensive lineman not named Aaron Donald, also is under contract. Maybe if Baker Mayfield could’ve found Odell Beckham Jr. a few times a game, they’d have a receiving corps shiny enough to lure a Wilson or a Rodgers. Even with Jarvis Landry under contract, he’s not a Mike Evans or Cooper Kupp-type deal sweetener. I think David Njoku is talented, and could be really good with the right QB, though.

The people who say it would be awesome if an NBA superstar went to New York and won a title also should say it would be awesome if a superstar (or competent quarterback) went to Cleveland and won a Super Bowl. (That’s right, Knicks fans, you’re on the Browns’ level. Also, Jets fans, I left you off this list because the last time you tried a move like this, Brett Favre (allegedly) completed more unsolicited dick pics than TDs. )

The franchise isn’t desperate enough to give Mayfield an extension, and maybe that’s because they think they’re a Jared Goff-to-Stafford upgrade away from a title run. And if you thought Cleveland was wild after LeBron James brought them a championship, the city will self combust if the Browns ever win a Super Bowl.

The Broncos have been the poster team for good rosters brought down by subpar quarterback play. (The Fan 104.3 in Denver already asked if the Broncos can find this year’s version of Stafford.) Matt Ryan has just been the poster boy for subpar quarterback play.

While Denver has a considerably better defense, both teams finished last season at 7-10. They also have talented/underutilized tight ends (Noah Fant and Kyle Pitts), and former Alabama wideouts looking to bounce back from health issues (Calvin Ridley and Jerry Jeudy). Denver’s run game is better and a little more traditional, but any coach who can turn Cordarelle Patterson into a contributing football player — something Bill Belichick couldn’t do — has my attention.

New Broncos head coach will try to bring the same offensive success he had in Green Bay to the Mile High City, but something tells me they brought him in hoping he can bring in someone else. Hiring an OC from a team with an all-time great quarterback is always risky because great QBs make bad coaches look good. Ask Mike McCarthy.

The kicker is the Falcons are in the NFC South, debatably the worst division in football, and the Broncos are in the AFC West, possibly the best division in football. If you’re a QB trying to live your best life during the final days of your career, do you want to face Patrick Mahomes, Justin Herbert, and Derek Carr six times a season, or play half a dozen games against Tom Brady’s replacement, Sam Darnold’s replacement, and the combo of Taysom Hill and whoever replaces James Winston?

Also, caveat for Broncos fans: Do you really want to restart the same post-Peyton Manning cycle you have yet to break free from? If building a QB-less contender in order to attract a legendary quarterback once they get ousted or sick of their first team was a strategy, they’re executing it beautifully.

Like the Rams’ success with Goff, getting to a Super Bowl and another NFC Championship game with Jimmy Garoppolo under center is a signal to all quarterbacks that you’re ripe for a higher form of winning. The 49ers should try to leverage Trey Lance into a more proven quantity. They gave up more draft capital to pick him than the Rams did when they traded for Stafford. Perhaps they can recoup some of their losses before GMs figure out for certain Lance isn’t a franchise quarterback.

He could be that player eventually, but eventually Deebo Samuel and George Kittle aren’t going to be All-Pros. It’s better to cut your losses sooner than later, especially when you’re on the brink of a title. The 49ers already own Rodgers, they might as well try to trade for him, too. We’ve seen a star in a different league get knocked out by a Bay-area team only to join them the next season, and it worked out pretty well for Kevin Durant.

Rodgers went to Cal, and he already has that Silicon Valley smugness, so he’ll fit right in. I also would love to see him play for a coach who thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room. The potential for subtle snipping would seep out of all openings the way an overflowing fountain pop does when you try to put a lid on it.

The Colts tried to pull a Stafford when they signed Philip Rivers two years ago and then again last season with Carson Wentz. Now, there are reports Wentz will probably be traded or released by March 18 to avoid paying him a bonus and, hopefully, avoid another fruitless season. Clearly, none of those moves panned out, and the specter of Andrew Luck continues to haunt this organization as they seem to have everything but a quarterback in place to be a serious contender.

Jonathan Taylor rushed for more than 1,800 yards and accounted for 20 touchdowns total last year, which was tied with Austin Ekler for tops in the league. The most glaring hole is at wide receiver. Second-year receiver Michael Pittman led the team with 1,082 receiving yards, but no one else eclipsed 400 yards. Taylor was the third leading receiver with 360 yards.

Even without much of a passing game, the team finished in the top 10 in scoring offense and scoring defense… and still missed the playoffs. That’s pretty fucking hard to do. The Raiders and Eagles, who both made the postseason, were 18th and 26th, and 12th and 18th, respectively, in scoring offense and defense. Indianapolis finished the year with a plus-86 point differential; the Rams had a plus-88 point differential, and Super Bowl runner up Cincinnati ended the regular season at plus-84.

If the Colts could find a QB whose superlative isn’t “Most likely to commit a tragic turnover,” they could make Tennessee sweat for the AFC South, or at the very least eke out a Wildcard spot. If they could add a receiver or even a pass-catching tight end to go along with a quarterback, they’d look absolutely Rams-ian.

The only team with a Super Bowl-winning coach on this list is Pittsburgh. I’m not going to restate my affinity for Mike Tomlin because I’ve already done that. What I will laud is the front office’s ability to find skill position players. If this were a group project, and the teacher was like, “Who wants to be on a team with Najee Harris, Chase Claypool, Diontae Johnson, Pat Freiermuth, and maybe JuJu Smith-Shuster”? Every quarterback but like three would raise their hands. (Smith-Shuster is a free agent who I’m guessing would be willing to reup for at least one more year if they acquired a legit QB to get him the ball.)

I forgot to include Pittsburgh on the list of teams without a top 10 scoring offense and defense to make the playoffs 2021, but the Raiders and Eagles should be so lucky to be mentioned with the Steelers. We saw the defensive playmakers T.J. Watt and Devin Bush on display for about a half against the Chiefs, and they no longer have to play perfect on that side of the ball in order to drag a 240-pound decrepit QB to wins.

That said, Pittsburgh doesn’t seem like the kind of organization to make win-now/lose-later deals. A quick scan of Steelers’ blogs and rumors linked the team to a ton of quarterbacks. From Garoppolo to Winston to Wentz to trading up to draft a QB, it’s a pretty mixed bag on who will succeed Roethlisberger. (My personal choice would be to draft Pitt QB Kenny Pickett. The carryover fan base would provide him with a little extra leniency when he makes rookie mistakes.)

I wouldn’t mess with Rodgers because who knows how much longer he’ll play, but Wilson’s game and personality would seamlessly fit in with that team and city. His wife… well she might need a little more convincing.