I’ve got a co-worker in his early 30s who proudly mentions the 13 championships the Packers have won. But 11 of those happened before he was born, and a bunch were back from the dark ages of football. As a fan, aren’t the only championships you should be able to “claim” for your team are the ones that you can remember watching?


No. What fun would that be? If your team won something, ANYTHING, you get to obnoxiously co-opt that title as your own, no matter when that title happened to occur. And if you’re bragging about the 16 titles your favorite team won back when they were the Fort Wayne Chippewas or whatever, everyone (you included) will know your dad wasn’t even a sperm cell back when those happened. You’re clearly reaching, but the entirety of sports fandom involves bragging about shit that you, personally, never did yourself. So you may as well grab onto any vicarious accolade you can get your hands on.

I’ve met Packers “owners.” They’re not shy about doing this sort of thing, and I’m not exactly in position to mock them for it. They have the right to stake a claim to those pre-them championships, and then ladle on the insufferability by telling the origin story of THEIR fandom. “I remember the first time I watched Brett Favre throw a pick on a goal line shovel pass … IT WAS TRUE LOVE.”


I know sports fans are hilariously self-centered, but it’s even more self-centered to act like a team’s history only began when you did. That’s a Boston move. Don’t do that. Hoard all the chips in the team archive you like. That’s the RESPECTFUL thing to do. Besides, it’s not like fans of your rivals will be like, “Oh wow, your team’s legacy stretches really far back. I have no rebuttal to such a rich a lustrous heritage of excellence.”


Is there anything more insufferable than standing in line at the pharmacy? I’d rather go without heart medication than wait in line for half an hour behind two people.


I’ve been spending a lot more time in lines at the pharmacy since I suffered a brain hemorrhage, and it’s true. The line never moves, and my prescription is never, ever ready. The sheer angst I feel walking up to the guy and telling him my name is palpable. I already know he’ll say, “I don’t see anything listed here,” or, “It’s not ready but you can stand here and wait 75 minutes,” or “Your insurance didn’t approve these erectile dysfunction tablets,” or he’ll dig through the little alphabetized prescription baggies and ask me my last name 500 times before telling me nothing is there. It’s awful. From now on, I’m having all my drugs delivered TO me by one of those disruptor services. No more waiting! ALL THE OXYCONTIN I CAN EAT, BABY.


The seven deadly sins are pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. Of all the 8.7 million species in the world, only one (sloth) is named after one of those sins. Which animal should we rename after each of the six remaining sins?


Everything I know about sloths comes from playing Scrabble (the ai, a three-toed sloth, is a crucial two-letter word) and from watching Zootopia. But I did some extensive study (a Google search) and found that a sloth is named a sloth because it’s physically slow, not necessarily because it’s lazy and unmotivated. So I’m not sure it’s named directly after the sin itself, although it would be more fun if it had been. Some humorless biologist just DISGUSTED by the very species he discovered in the Panamanian rainforest. That would be cool. Anyway, let’s match up the other sins to an animal:

PRIDE: Lion. Duh.

LUST: Rabbit

GREED: The correct answer is humans, but God that’s such a dipshit view. MEW MEW PEOPLE ARE BAD MEW MEW. I guess I’ll go with pack rats instead.



WRATH: Grizzly bear. They look mad.

ENVY: Dogs. I’ve seen my dog set up camp by the dinner table, looking up at us like, “Why the FUCK do you get to eat while I get nothing?” You just ate dinner, you ungrateful sack of shit. Don’t be BUTTHURT that we get to have some enchiladas and you don’t.


Drew (not me):

When Trump dies, will his NY gold penthouse be converted into a tourist attraction? I can completely see it converted it into a far right Graceland and charging $75 bucks a head to get a selfie with his 4th string set of golf clubs.


A hundred percent yes. That will absolutely happen, only Ivanka will charge people $7,500 admission and present the whole enterprise as an upscale tour through an American landmark. All the war criminals will be invited. God, it’s gonna suck. I’ve spent the past few years waiting for this whole Trump thing to end, but it never will. It’s all gonna stick around after he’s gone: his pathetic family, his shitbag fanboys in MAGA hats, racist voters who still think he’s actually a billionaire, con artists who have no better career plan than to glom onto history’s biggest moron, etc. Everything’s just gonna keep being stupid until I die. I will pay that admission fee to walk into Trump Tower and spit on the man’s bed.


How long does it take for true old man/dad mentality start? I’m 30 and recently a father, but I find myself already complaining about taxes, turning off light switches, and running to Home Depot every few days. I thought I’d at least get a few years before I started getting annoyed about people stepping on my lawn.


I would’ve agreed with you until recently. Like, your 30s are when you start having grownup complaints and what not, but those are fairly self-aware old man takes to have. Now that I’m 42, I constantly feel like the world is evolving in ways that I don’t want it to, and anytime I mention it, it’s a helpless cause. I just get the Old Man Yells At Cloud screengrab from The Simpsons tweeted back at me 900 times.

I’m not talking about when I complain about, like, Trump. Everyone does that. I mean, like, when I bitch about people not using headphones in public, or about tinyass fonts. That’s when people are like WHATEVER GRANDPA and I realize that I’m now doomed, anytime I sit on an airplane, to hear some fucking kid watching Dora on an iPad at top volume and no one else aboard quibbling with it. THAT is when the old man mentality comes in. I feel insanely dated at times and it’s just depressing. Here I am bitching about the nostalgia industrial complex, and then I act surprised when no one else gets my Python references. It’s not a fun phase of life to experience. I wanna fight against it but I just know it’ll just end up with more Abe Simpson stills in my feed. But for real… use some goddamn headphones when you’re out in public.



Watching some big white stiffs put in garbage minutes in the NBA playoffs got me thinking how tall I would have to be to be able to play in the league, if I were at my peak athletic ability (which I am assuredly not at age 39). Conversely, how short would someone like Kawhi Leonard have to be before he was relegated to the YMCA league? I say 6'9" and 5'10", respectively. What you got?


Not a chance you make it into the NBA at 6’9”. You know how many TALENTED college guys there are that are that height that don’t make the pros? No way you make the cut before those guys get discarded. You see James Comey in the NBA? You do not.

And those NBA guys you deride as stiffs are, you now, still pretty talented athletes. Frank Kaminsky may look like a pud when he’s on the court against Anthony Davis, but he’s in the league for a reason. To make the NBA, average puds like you and I would have to be insanely tall. I say 7-foot-6 at a minimum. That was Shawn Bradley’s height, and Shawn Bradley was always, to me, the guy who gave off the strongest vibe of “ordinary guy who became a prized NBA prospect only because he’s taller than a sequoia tree.” Scouts were like, “He’s a surprisingly graceful athlete!” and no one with two eyes bought it. If you can dunk while standing, then an NBA team might show some interest. Even then, just one elbow from another front-court player would be enough to make you realize you’ve made a horrible mistake. Take it from Bradley.


As for Kawhi, I may have recency bias but I’m pretty sure he’d be in the NBA at 5-foot-10. Kawhi is a bloodless android. Height is just a number to him. Shrink him by a foot or so and he’ll still pick your pocket, nail jumpers, and treat the opposition like so much dust to brush off. If you really wanna handicap Kawhi, make him 4-foot-8. Make him a child’s height, and then he might struggle to get a job. He sure as well wouldn’t be deterred from trying though. He’s a hitman.

Email of the week!


I am now in my late 30's and the gray hair has been sneaking up on me. I feel like nobody ever tells you that it won’t just be your hair and beard. I mean, I know old grandpas have grays everywhere, but should that be happening already? I was not prepared. Can we get the definitive ranking of how much of a punch in the gut it is to find grays in certain places? Here’s my ranking from my experience (least to greatest):

1) head (it’s distinguished!)

2) beard (adds color and perceived wisdom)

3) chest hair (didn’t expect it but whatever)

4) eyebrow (pluck that baby)

5) shoulder/back (um...didn’t want you to begin with and how did you grow so long?)

6) nose (it now always looks like something is up there)

7) pubes (I feel like a young man, but my junk is now a senior citizen)

Yeah the nose hairs are VISIBLE now. It’s horrible. KIDS TODAY DON’T GET THE STRUGGLE.